Day316, 30Jan11

"The Walk'
I had not been back to T-valley in quite few months. So last Sunday, I decided to go ahead and do it. It was a beautiful sunny day. A little nippy but for me perfect for a hike. I had in my sac my usual is is a program from the memorial inside a 1 gallon plastic zip-lock bag with a paper crane with the plastic seal taped on the backside. I also brought an tangerine.

As I walked down to the beach, I marveled at the subtle changes with the landscape since I last did 'the walk'. The old ranger's house was demolished. The outdoor paddocks at the stables had a roof for shading and protection from the rain.

I made my way down to the beach passing salamanders in pools of water and birds of prey soaring high above. My mind turned towards the events of last March. The calm phone call from Rory in Montana saying not to worry and that Alicia was missing... my frantic scramble to meet Josh at Delino's near T-Valley...the drive to the T-Valley. etc etc It all came rushing back as if it were just yesterday.

As I climbed up to the bunker, I recalled that Sat night when The MSAR folks, Cathie, the sheriffs, and I hiked up to the point Alicia had last been. At least 75 feet above the bunker on a very steep pitch. When I reached the bunker, I kept going up and up to the last semi-flat area half way between the bunker and area she was last. I just kept gazing at the spot. Then I looked down to the ocean. I stayed for about 20 mins then I returned to the bunker. I left my package in the flue of the bunker to protect it from the winds and not to draw attention.

What a beautiful spot. Now with a stigma in my mind which will not allow me to enjoy the beauty without recalling Alicia's accident. Someday this may fade a bit but I'll never forget.

Day 308, 22Jan11

"Wakey...wakey...eggs and bakie." Immortalized words Alicia would call out to wake someone up. These Seuss'ian words reflected her playful nature. She brought levity when I used to get wound up about things with her instance of a 'belly bump'. Her lightness of spirit has left our household.

Jasmine calls our place 'a sad house' and as such, she spends significant time away from home with friends. I am sad with this development. There are periods of time when I do not get to see her much given my travel scheduled with her social calendar. She has grown up fast both physically and emotionally.

I have hiked Tennessee Valley in a long time. The weather is beautiful this weekend. I thought I would take the hike tomorrow AM. I laminated a copy of the memorial program which I will leave at the bunker. I usually put 1 program with a crane inside a plastic zip lock bag and tape it to the bunker. Hopefully this will last longer.

I have decided not to referee club volleyball this season. I am traveling a lot this year and would like to preserve the weekends to get chores done. I may ref HS this Fall again to stay close to the game but with Jasmine not playing, I'm not sure if I will even do that. For me it is not the pittance of money. It was about staying close to the girls, seeing more of their games, and being able to talk to them about their vball matches/tournaments.

Day 301, 15Jan11

I was in NY this past week and stayed in Soho. The first day I was returning from mid-town, the taxi took me past the apartment Cathie, Alicia, and I stayed Oct'09 when she went to visit colleges. It kinda snuck up on me. As we were driving, I began to see some familiar restaurants then there it was. Wham... a flood of memories from that trip.

We spent 1 week in NY. I was working most of the week spending time between NJ and NY. The girls were exploring and visiting 2 schools. They took day trips to visit 1 school in NJ and 1 in Boston. Alicia had an old camera and was taking pictures for her photography class.

On the flight home, I recognized someone as a father of someone Alicia had played soccer with for 3 years. It took me a bit to place him but I am sure it was him. His daughter played on a traveling soccer team I had managed, the Panthers. It was a bit ackward as I sensed he was trying to avoid me. When he walked bye, I tried to get his attention then I tried speaking to him. He looked away. I am a memorable kinda guy...biggest Chinese person you're likely to meet. So it felt purposeful.

I guess I have to get used to that some people may not feel comfortable or 'know what to say'. To these folks I would relay... just say 'Hi'. There is nothing that can be said about Alicia's death and I would not bring it up.

Day 294, 08Jan11

With the New Year, we have begun to repurpose Alicia's room. We have taken her bed and moved so Jasmine can use the mattress and frame. We found all kinds of 'stuff' under it. Surprisingly, we found 'izzy'. Izzy is a pink beanie style lizard which has been part of our family for quite some time. I am not sure when izzy joined the family but it had to have been over 5 years ago. Izzy now sits with 'monkey' another of her favorites.

We're probably going to stop the family counseling. Jasmine really does not want to continue at all. In all rights, she is doing very well. Her attendance, grades, etc are pretty good so far. Cathie is not getting much out of these sessions compared to her pvt sessions. I feel I am doing well enough and do not need the input of a therapist weekly. Cathie and I do agree that some of the topics he brings up are good for us to talk about but this does not outweigh the other considerations to end it. We promised to return for 1 last session in 2-3 weeks to inform him of our decision.

We will continue to pay attention to how we are all doing so that we can engage with someone if needed.