Year 2 23Dec12

The holidays are upon us with Christmas in 2 days and New Years beyond that. In all reality, ever since Alicia has died, our holidays are significantly less. It's not just the fact she is not with us, but it was her lite, lively, and fanciful spirit which buoyed our family. Her enthusiasm for mundane things & tasks was unique and very welcomed. Holidays feel like rote actions with little to no joy or fun involved. I do not begrudge the holidays, I just wish for more enthusiasm. Traditions: I have kept up the tradition of making banana breads. Jasmine has helped this year but I still found myself baking by my self listening to holiday music. Our efforts at decorating the tree are pathetic at best. We still have a tree, although it has little more than lights and a few decorations. Last year, we did not even decorate until Christmas eve. Buying and giving gifts has become less fun. We no longer try to buy gifts which we feel the other would appreciate. It has become more about lists on Elfster or even asking what each wants. Where has the thought and spontaneity gone? Holiday cards has always been my thing. I like sending them out with a note about how we are doing. For a while, I was able to get the others to sign a few. Last year, I did not send any out which I felt badly about. Thus this year, I made it a point to send out over 40 cards yesterday. We are headed to NYC after Christmas for a few days. Jasmine wants to see some friends and we'll get to play a bit. Hopefully this trip will provide enough diversion to bring some fun and spirit to the holidays.

Year 2, 02Sep12

Choices. Why do we make the choices we do? Why do we put ourselves in situations in which the choices are at the least 'bad judgement' and at worst fatal. Whether it be alcohol, marijuana, drugs, sex...the list goes on and on. With time, we become more careful about getting into situations which force/limit choices. For Alicia, it was a confluence of multiple choices which put her in the situation of being on a steep cliff, with no moon light, at midnight etc... How do we impress our wisdom upon our kids? How can we provide guidance so that they do not repeat mistakes we made or walk into situations from which there can only be 'bad' and 'worse' choices?

Year 2, 01Sep12

Alicia came into my dreams a few nights ago. I was unable to see her face as she walked over to kneel down to speak with a friend of hers laying down. I immediately recognized her. Seeing her even in my dreams startled me to the point I awoke and scanned the bedroom for her. It felt as if she was within my reach. But alas, it was only in my dreams. It has been a long time since she last visited me in my dreams. I wish she would visit more often. Cathie is at Burning Man this week. She and I had worked on the temple which was designed by David Best. Before she left, she bought a wooden box and began collating some of our memories and belongings of Alicia. The box would be placed within the temple which will be burned the day after the man is burned. Sitting down to think about what to put in to the box, was difficult. All the emotions welled from within and spilled out into the open as I read my various posts of this blog considering which to print and put into the box. Do the emotions ever abate? Or at least, become more manageable? I feel as if I just keep peeling back the 'emotional scab' not allowing the wound to heal.

Year 2, 11Aug12

The time has come to reconfigure our household thus tackling Alicia's closet. Up to now, Cathie has slowly cleaned Alicia's old bedroom. First her roll top desk was sold to a couple of college kids then other things followed. Her closet was thinned out but a signifcant amount of memorible clothes had remained...Alicia's first set of high heels, her worn out duct taped light green keds, her black and white sweater etc. These emotional pieces had remained. Well, most of these clothes has now been donated. Only a few things remain...her keds (can't seem to get rid of them), her hanging jewlery box etc. My clothes have been moved from the office closet into her old closet. I guess this was a matter of time. I had avoided the topic of cleaning out Alicia's closet because I saw it as a field full of emotional land mines. I was not sure there would have ever been a good time to do it. The impetitiuos at this time was Cathie wanted the office closet to put the art/project supplies and re-arrange the office space makign room for her art projects. Hats off to Cathie, she plowed right into it. We spoke the other day about Alicia has not come to Cathie in her dreams for quite some time. I must admit, that is true for me as well. I can nto recall the last dream I had in which she was part of it. Slowly, bit by bit, I fear I am losing her. I realize I will never lose her as she is still a part of my being. But her voice & her scent are fading from me.

Year 2, 11Jul12

Happy belated birthday, Ichi! How time flies. You would have been 20yrs old yesterday. The precious memories of you are like a treasure chest in my mind. I hold tightly to them. Yet like the sands of time, some memories have begun to slip through my desperate fingers no matter how hard I try to catch every grain. Yesterday, I found myself extremely busy. I'm not sure if this was a consciously or subconsciously, but I was running from 7:30am through 7pm. I threw myself into tennis for 3 hours which I rarely do especially in the Tahoe afternoon heat. Physically I was drained after the end of the day. I fell instantly to sleep last night when I laid down. Was I trying to keep myself distracted to avoid the torrent of emotions I am being battered about now? Sounds like something I would do... Well...happy birthday girl. I hope you celebrated with g'pop, ni-ni, ree-ni, & the rest of the family. I love and miss you Ichi. Pops.

Year 2, 24Jun12

It's hard to fathom that Alicia's 20th birthday is right around the corner. I am torn by that fact. On one hand, I can hardly believe that it has been 20 years since she was born. We were living in North Beach in San Francisco at the time. Cathie's water broke overnight which was a slight inconvenience but none the less, she went back to sleep. When I awoke that morning and she relayed that fact, off we went to the hospital. Cathie's labor was rapid thus not allowing time for an epidural to be set...au natural Alicia came. On the other hand, she has not aged a day beyond 17 in my mind. I can only wonder how she would have continued to mature...with life...with university...with everything. She was a very light and playful person as evidenced by her self portrait above.

Year 2, 13Jun12

Saturday we returned my dad's ashes to the earth/sea. It had been just over 2 years since he had died. It has taken us this long to come to grips with what happened in 2010 such that we were able to proceed with his final wishes. It was a beautiful day. Jim came with us and performed our last act as sons for him. What has helped me is something Cathie told me a while ago. These ashes are not the person. Their spirit and they themselves had already left. These were just the remains. We still have Alicia's ashes... We would like to scatter the ashes at places which had a significant impact on her life. Places where she discovered herself and her love of the outdoors. I read a story in the San Jose Mercury about a 4 year old girl, Amy Wang who recently died due to complications of Fanconi's anemia. It was heartbreaking. It is well worth the read. 'Coming home'.

Year 2, 20Mar12

It’s been 2 years to the day since Alicia died. While a lot has changed, their significance pales compared to what we have lost. The ‘gifts’ as a friend calls them still bestow themselves upon me albeit not as frequent. They do not seem to be triggered by anything at all. Just Wham! Out of the blue, I will recall her smile or laugh which in turns triggers more memories and then emotions of her death. My tears are not any less or the gifts any less heart wrenching. The memories are just as vivid, the sounds./smells/ emotions as raw as the day 2 years ago. The passage of time has done little to sooth my psyche and I very very little with myself. We are down to just 1 chicken remaining, Lefty. Jafar had disappeared one day. Wosh! Gone bye-bye. We searched the neighborhood with no luck. What happened to Jacosta is puzzling. I put her and Lefty away one evening and the next morning when Cathie let them, out, she was dead. I worry that Lefty is lonely and we are thinking of getting more chicks this Spring to keep her company. I recall the day Alicia, Jen, and Taylor bought the chicks and brought them over to our house. Shocked is all I recall. I was shocked that we had 3 chicks and no idea how to care for them. Via the wonder of the internet, Alicia figured it out. This was supposed to be a group project. Rotating homes every few weeks. Well, they ended up with us full time. Jacosta (Taylor’s chick) was one of the original three chicks as was Cantigny (Jen’s) and one whose name escapes me (Alicia’s). This past year, we overcome our initial inertia and have re-arranged Alicia’s room into a sitting room. We have moved out the roll top desk and the old bed frame and replaced them with small IKEA chairs and couch. Cathie has pared down her clothes and closet, but what remains has significant sentimental meaning. Her jewelry case... her books... her new high heels... her 49’ers jacket... her mirror with her notes on prospective colleges. All suspended in time...awaiting her return. As do I...

Year 1, 13Feb12

As we near the 2nd anniversary of Alicia's death, I still find myself re-living vivid memories of Alicia. Memories which sprint across my mind with no provocation and without warning. I will be going about my work 1 moment, then WHAM...the emotions of the call from her friends letting me know she was missing rips through my psyche. After a few deep breaths, I am able to regain control and reorient myself to my surroundings. But these 'gifts' tend to me an emotional roller coaster in a matter of a few seconds. As I had written previously, I find myself drawn to movies and books about people working through a loss of a child or loved one. Is this a morbid curiosity or possibly my inner 'id' needing to frame what I am feeling and experiencing. Well this weekend was a dousy of a film fest. We saw Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close on Friday and The Way on Sunday. Both movies fit into the genre of loss but approach it from opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close chronicles the journey of an 11yr old, Oscar Schell who lost his father in the 911 attacks on the WTC. The movie is emotionally intense and spiritually uplifting. Oscar follows an elaborate plan which takes him across NYC in an effort to connect with his late father. Throughout the movie Oscar was trying to make sense out of events which there is no logic. Through his adventures he meets and touches a spectrum of various ethnicities and background of people. People who are struggling themselves with everyday life. The movie called The Way chronicles an emotional journey of a father to reconcile memories of is late estranged son who dies following the Camino de Santiago in France & Spain. While in France return his son's ashes, he decides to take the journey himself. Along the way he meets 3 others on their own pilgrimage for their own reasons. I sense the character was trying to connect with his son's life and who he had become. Simply touching.

Year 1, 15Jan12

I did something over the holidays I thought I would never do. When asked about how many children did we have, I said 'one'. Immediately, I sensed it was wrong but I did not correct myself. I felt it would have been more awkward correcting myself at the time. What would have been awkward is this occurred at our company holiday party and I was speaking with the head of western regional sales and his wife. This has been on my mind since it occurred. Why did I do it? Should the situation have played into my thinking? Later that evening, Cathie emphatically and poignantly asked me why it did it. I have tried to stay true to myself and Alicia but for some reason, I let this slip. At all other times, I have stated we 'had' two children with one still with us. Then when asked, I would explain Alicia had died. I have tried to speak with him to clear my conscious, but he has not been in the office when I have walked by.

Year 1, 02Jan12

The 2011 Holidays are now behind us. This has been the holiday season that almost wasn't. The calendar told me it was Christmas and New Years. Friends spoke to holiday shopping and parties. Yet, it felt as if we were like automatons programmed to go through the motions. Yes, we bought went shopping. We bought gifts for each other. We attended my company holiday party. We hung 4 stockings and hung icicle lights on the house eves. We even baked our traditional holiday banana breads for gifts. But it was hallow. Just under the surface was a void of the holiday spirit. A coldness just under a thin veneer. At times, it surfaced. While we did buy a tree, we only got so far as hanging lights. In one creative burst, Cathie created circular cutouts from an old Chinese book, strung them together with red string, and draped the tree. Our usual ornaments did not sparkle as they would had they been allowed to grace our tree. We did not send out holiday cards, emails, or family updates. We were barely here. As meekly as this holiday season came upon us, it has ebbed away. What lights had been strung are now in their storage boxes. The stockings carefully put away. I hope this is not the way our holidays will continue and 2011 was abhorration. Yet I am reminded, we are still groping to find our new 'normal'.