Its official. Cathie has been invited to join Marin's Search and Rescue (MSaR)Team. She has been building towards this moment before Alicia had died. Alicia had been instrumental in Cathie's initial application to MSaR. Coming off her TEAM experience, she was focused on anything outdoors or rock climbing. A very good friend Catherine had suggested to Cathie that she apply when we moved up to Marin a few years back. And so it has come to be.
The application interview had gone smoothly until the last question. The youngest of the panel asked if she would re-apply if she did not make it this time around. From what Cathie said, she began crying. To reach this point, she completed on her own the NOLS Wilderness First Aide course in Tahoe (2 full days) and achieved her NOLS Wilderness First Responder (WoFR) certification (80 hours) at Sonoma State Univ. Bottom line, she said no. She did not feel that reapplying next year was a option.
Every day as I walk down the hall past Alicia's old room, I find myself glancing in the room half expecting to see Alicia. Cathie has moved a few things around but for the most part, her things are still there. Her clothes are still hanging, jewelry on her star and in the small wall cabinet, her bed has the same sheets etc. Jasmine suggested we use her room as a library. I'm not ready to consider these options. I still think of it as Alicia's room. I'm not sure when this will change...but it eventually will change... as life moves on.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Day155, 22Aug10
It's back to school time for Jasmine this week. The local HSs started last week and grade schools this week. This year will be trying for Jasmine. She missed a lot of school last year even before Alicia died. Afterwards all pretenses of going to school were not even attempted. Her counselor met with Jasmine at the end of the school year to relay that this school year, she can not miss any days. So as we prep her to go back to school, she is not willingly discussing this point. She wants to handle it herself for the 1st trimester. I want to encourage her to take care of it herself and I want to show her we trust her.
I spent 3 and a half hours this AM at a HS volleyball meeting for officials. I am sitting there listening to the various speakers and videos reviewing the rules and mechanics of officiating. Most of the officials had either played or coached vball. There were probably 2 similar to me had kids play and just became curious. Now as I sit and listen, I am still unsure what am I doing there? Why am I doing this? There is a fair bit of work to become familiar with HS rules which are different from club. Jasmine is playing CYSO vball this Fall and will probably try out for club again this winter. I used to enjoy talking about the rules and situations with Alicia. Jasmine did not enjoy the vball banter. I guess I am doing this to give back to a sport Alicia loved playing for 6 years.
We hosted this years Block Party this past Saturday. We had good turnout with lots of food. It was quite enjoyable to meet neighbors I have yet to meet. During the entire affair, no one brought up Alicia. I felt it was like the white elephant roaming the party. I was able to keep the conversation light and topical. I sensed Cathie was not enjoying the party and/or conversation thus she would slip away from time to time.
I spent 3 and a half hours this AM at a HS volleyball meeting for officials. I am sitting there listening to the various speakers and videos reviewing the rules and mechanics of officiating. Most of the officials had either played or coached vball. There were probably 2 similar to me had kids play and just became curious. Now as I sit and listen, I am still unsure what am I doing there? Why am I doing this? There is a fair bit of work to become familiar with HS rules which are different from club. Jasmine is playing CYSO vball this Fall and will probably try out for club again this winter. I used to enjoy talking about the rules and situations with Alicia. Jasmine did not enjoy the vball banter. I guess I am doing this to give back to a sport Alicia loved playing for 6 years.
We hosted this years Block Party this past Saturday. We had good turnout with lots of food. It was quite enjoyable to meet neighbors I have yet to meet. During the entire affair, no one brought up Alicia. I felt it was like the white elephant roaming the party. I was able to keep the conversation light and topical. I sensed Cathie was not enjoying the party and/or conversation thus she would slip away from time to time.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 149, 16Aug10
I have been seeing a therapist since Alicia's death. I feel the 'help has helped'. Emotionally I operate within a narrow band...not too high and not too low. Alicia's death took me to places emotionally I have never experienced. My therapist has helped me feel these emotions without asking the unanswerable questions about fairness and a reason. There is no reason for her death. A series of bad judgments in an outdoor setting proved to be one too many decisions.
As I come up to 5 months since her death, I feel stable. I still have strong emotional recollections at times. But for the most part, I am emotionally healthy. So I have cut back my appointments to once a month for now. But, I have begun a search for a family therapist for the 3 of us together. This would be in place of Jasmine's therapist, in addition to Cathie's and my help. I hope the dynamic of all 3 of us there will prove to be useful to us all.
As I come up to 5 months since her death, I feel stable. I still have strong emotional recollections at times. But for the most part, I am emotionally healthy. So I have cut back my appointments to once a month for now. But, I have begun a search for a family therapist for the 3 of us together. This would be in place of Jasmine's therapist, in addition to Cathie's and my help. I hope the dynamic of all 3 of us there will prove to be useful to us all.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Day 147, 14Aug10
I was driving to Walton's Grizzle Lodge camp to pick up Jasmine today then drive home. All in all about a 450 mile round trip to the Sierra Mountains. I found that without notice, memories would flood into my conciseness. One minute I'd be flying up I-80 listening to the radio and the next I'm back at Alicia's memorial service receiving hugs from friends I had not seen in a few years. I could almost feel the hug. Then the memory would recede almost as quickly as it arrived. I had at least 3 of these 'gifts' on my drive up. One was so intense, I considered pulling over. I was tearing profusely. I'm not sure what is triggering these intense memories. They are fleeting but intense.
I'm still not comfortable attending 'good bye' parties for college departures. Cathie really connects with the kids and derives a lot of satisfaction. I anticipate feeling uncomfortable as I really did not know most of the kids expect for a select few of Alicia's closest friends. Am I being weird about this? Should I not feel this way?
I am a little apprehensive about volleyball this Fall/Winter. I suspect most of the refs have no idea of what happened. When Alicia died, I was scheduled to work a club tournament the following weekend which I begged off. I relayed the situation to the NCVA and informed them that I was done for the season. I attended a rules review clinic for the HS season. Of the 3 others attending, 1 knew of Alicia's death but the others did not. One of them was a club ref whom I shared a car pool many times last club season. I had not seen him since March. He began asking how was work and what had I been up to. I felt he was nibbling around the edge so I came out and told him about Alicia. He thought I was kidding but I assured him I would not lie about this. It was a tiny bit awkward and one I am sure will be repeated a few times as I get further into both HS and club vball season.
I'm still not comfortable attending 'good bye' parties for college departures. Cathie really connects with the kids and derives a lot of satisfaction. I anticipate feeling uncomfortable as I really did not know most of the kids expect for a select few of Alicia's closest friends. Am I being weird about this? Should I not feel this way?
I am a little apprehensive about volleyball this Fall/Winter. I suspect most of the refs have no idea of what happened. When Alicia died, I was scheduled to work a club tournament the following weekend which I begged off. I relayed the situation to the NCVA and informed them that I was done for the season. I attended a rules review clinic for the HS season. Of the 3 others attending, 1 knew of Alicia's death but the others did not. One of them was a club ref whom I shared a car pool many times last club season. I had not seen him since March. He began asking how was work and what had I been up to. I felt he was nibbling around the edge so I came out and told him about Alicia. He thought I was kidding but I assured him I would not lie about this. It was a tiny bit awkward and one I am sure will be repeated a few times as I get further into both HS and club vball season.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Day 143, 10Aug10
All the video clips from Alicia's Memorial are completed and posted on YouTube (ASL92dad). Posted are clips from the Tributes by Chuck, Patchen, Allison and Sarah, Craig, Lauren, Cathie, and Jim. Also we have the memories shared by friends and family separate from the Memorial service. Here is a link to David's beautiful ballad.
I have not been able to bring myself to watch a few of the clips. While they are definitely wonderful and heartfelt, it was hard enough to sit through them the 1st time. I am not prepared to relive the emotions yet. I am sure I will watch them... later.
Lately I have been a little off kilter. Alicia's friends and classmates are preparing for college. Some have already started. She was so looking forward to graduating and moving on to college. I had shared with her my college experiences in hopes she did not fall into the same mistakes but also positive experiences to consider. Cathie and I were looking forward to see just how much she would have attained in the college environment.
Also, I am prepping for the Fall HS Volleyball season. When Alicia died in March, I told the NCVA that for the rest of club season, I was done officiating. I had gotten into officiating wanting to learn more about volleyball rules. At the beginning of this year, Alicia and I would talk about the rules and situations I saw while officiating. We had fun discussing them. For this Fall, I am unsure what is motivating me to continue officiating. Is it just giving back to the volleyball community at large? I'll have another decision to make about Club season later.
I have not been able to bring myself to watch a few of the clips. While they are definitely wonderful and heartfelt, it was hard enough to sit through them the 1st time. I am not prepared to relive the emotions yet. I am sure I will watch them... later.
Lately I have been a little off kilter. Alicia's friends and classmates are preparing for college. Some have already started. She was so looking forward to graduating and moving on to college. I had shared with her my college experiences in hopes she did not fall into the same mistakes but also positive experiences to consider. Cathie and I were looking forward to see just how much she would have attained in the college environment.
Also, I am prepping for the Fall HS Volleyball season. When Alicia died in March, I told the NCVA that for the rest of club season, I was done officiating. I had gotten into officiating wanting to learn more about volleyball rules. At the beginning of this year, Alicia and I would talk about the rules and situations I saw while officiating. We had fun discussing them. For this Fall, I am unsure what is motivating me to continue officiating. Is it just giving back to the volleyball community at large? I'll have another decision to make about Club season later.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day 134, 01Aug10
Congratulations to Cathie who completed her Wilderness First Responders (WFR) certification program via National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS). The course is an 80 hour certification course which provides the basic first reponder skills for outdoor incidents. She had already taken the Wilderness First Aide course in Tahoe earlier this summer.
I never realized how many movies have a loss via death theme. This past weekend, Jasmine went to see Charlie St Cloud. There was the Lovely Bones book and movie also. I did not see either as I am pretty sure I would have been a mess emotionally. While I am not to the point of having a conversation outloud with Alicia, I do find myself mentally having one. Lately these have been inocious conversations.
I was speaking with a lady who works for Chevron on the plane from Washington DC to Argentina. She made small talk as we both were on the same flight from SFO to Washington DC then down and we were seated kitty corner on the flight to Argentina. She was headed down for 1 weeks worth of work then was flying her daughter down to spean a week sight seeing. I pretty much switched topics right then. Alicia always would want to go with me on these trips... to see the world. We only went last Fall to NYC so she could check out colleges. I feel really sad about not spending more time with her. Not travelling with her. Now that opportunity is lost.
Jasmine has asked us to go to France or the UK. She likes the idea of travel as well. I am determined to make these situations possible and enjoy life with Cathie and Jasmine. I do not want to let these moments go bye.
I never realized how many movies have a loss via death theme. This past weekend, Jasmine went to see Charlie St Cloud. There was the Lovely Bones book and movie also. I did not see either as I am pretty sure I would have been a mess emotionally. While I am not to the point of having a conversation outloud with Alicia, I do find myself mentally having one. Lately these have been inocious conversations.
I was speaking with a lady who works for Chevron on the plane from Washington DC to Argentina. She made small talk as we both were on the same flight from SFO to Washington DC then down and we were seated kitty corner on the flight to Argentina. She was headed down for 1 weeks worth of work then was flying her daughter down to spean a week sight seeing. I pretty much switched topics right then. Alicia always would want to go with me on these trips... to see the world. We only went last Fall to NYC so she could check out colleges. I feel really sad about not spending more time with her. Not travelling with her. Now that opportunity is lost.
Jasmine has asked us to go to France or the UK. She likes the idea of travel as well. I am determined to make these situations possible and enjoy life with Cathie and Jasmine. I do not want to let these moments go bye.
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