Year 1 Day 71 30May11

Happy Birthday Dad. G'pop would have been about 88 years old. A few years back, he recorded his story of leaving China via Vietnam and France during the cultural revolution. He immigrated to the US via Ellis Island to NY. We have several cassette tapes with him retelling his story.

On Saturday, we had an appointment for a family and individual photo session in Petaluma. This was the 1st time we had a photo session in almost 6 years. The session went well with the photographer getting some good shots. But it also reminded Cathie and me that Alicia was not with us. It does feel that we are not whole. There is still a huge portion of us...gone. I definitely miss her lightness of spirit. As a family and individuals, we still struggle to find our paths. I'm not so sure this we'll ever find it but we will make new paths in uncharted emotional territory.

That reminds me of the Shel Silverstein book, the Missing Piece. Eventually this will too end like the book, but not on this earth.

Cathie has just started playing her guitar again. She has not been able to take it up since Alicia had died. I'm glad to hear her play music again. She loved teaching herself and playing the guitar. The girls were always embarrassed by it. But persist, Cathie did.

Year 1, Day 62, 21May11

Today was the last last of the TEAM car washes for this year. TEAM heads to out for a Lost Coast hike this week for 5 days. As I pulled into the Tamascal HS driveway for the1stof 2 car washes, I remember seeing Alicia and her class, bumbling about washing cars to generate money for their camping trips. Their playfulness and purposefulness ever present. Music of that time blaring on the stereo pulled into the courtyard.

As I watched the TEAMies wash the Miata, I was transported back to the Jen's story at Alicia's Memorial about the first time she took a ride with Alicia. Stalling out at stop signs, music blaring, gears grinding, but hysterical laughter all the time. That in a sentence captured her spirit.

It was great to see Chuck and Nicole and get caught up with events a TEAM. With graduation being right around the corner, June 7th, they are winding things down for another successful TEAM program year. This program was the catalyst through which Alicia blossomed and came unto her own. She became much more self assured and confident. Through the individual attention of Chuck and Patchen as well as the Tamasical teachers, she excelled. She could not longer attend a traditional HS with their impersonal approach to teaching.

Alicia's friends have started returning for the summer. I ran into Cat from soccer working at a local MV ice cream place and Chelsea from volleyball at a burger joint. I think Cathie and me are looking forward to seeing some of the TEAMies from Alicia's class.

Year 1 Day 56, 15May11

I have found myself lately reading books in which there is a common theme which the personel struggles overcoming the death or deapture of a loved one. With my recent travels, I read three e-books books by Michael Baron all of which have this theme, Spinning, Crossing the Bridge, and Since You Left. I'm not sure what I am drawn to in these books. It may be the struggle to overcome their emotional obstacles. Their emotions as they continue to tip toe thought an emotional mine field. But none the less, I continue to read.

Yesterday we participated in the annual Postal Carriers Food Drive. Cathie and I were trying to recall if this was the 4th or 5th year participating. This year it was just Cathie and I. We were at the Sausalito Postal office unloading, sorting, and reloading donated food to be driven to the Marin Country Food Bank. We later went to the Food Bank to help them unload and sort the donation until about 7:15pm or so. We used to do this as a family. This year Jasmine did not want to participate electing to shop with some friends.

But we did all have dinner together last night. It was nice to all sit down for a meal and just talk. Cathie was not hungry but she joined us anyway. I do very much miss having these dinners as they have become fewer. We used to eat together at least 5 days per week. This has probably dropped to 3-4 days per week with Cathie's evening Search And Rescue meetings, Jasmine and Cathie climbing days, and our general business during the weekends. I still feel strongly that we need to continue having dinner together. Jasmine pointed out that of her friends, we are the only have make it a point to do this.

Year 1, Day 50, 09May11

We've just passed Jasmine's bday, Cathie's bday and Mother's day all in a 8 day stretch. I am of the mind set that these events are all to be celebrated. Yet this year, there was reluctance for anything special.

As we shared Mother's Day brunch, I was struck that Jasmine shares little of her thoughts with us. There we were, the 3 of us at a nice restaurant to celebrate yet she only contributed to the conversation if directed right at her. She's embroiled in her teenage years trying to establish herself. She's pushing back very hard on Cathie constantly. She pushes on everything. Cathie quickly tires of the constant pressure.

I so miss Alicia's light heartedness and spirit. I fondly remember that when she entered the room, she always had a lightness in spirit which followed her.

Year 1, Day 44

And the struggles continue... Trying to find our family's new 'center' has proven to be elusive. I guess as with all things, it is the journey not the destination which matters most. We progress seems to be 1 step forward, 1 or 2 steps sideways, 1 small step forward, followed by 2 steps back. I'm not sure we are even holding ground. Now is the time we need each other the most, but it seems now is when we are the furthest apart.

We've just passed Jasmine's 14th birthday. She refused to consider anything that would require any planning what so ever. She just called at 5pm and asked to take her posse out for dinner at7pm followed by a sleep over with a few girls. We made it happen and enjoyed the impromptu event with 7 of her friends. I bought her some clothes she wanted from A&F plus some spending money in her saving account. We had a cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Yum.

Tome, birthdays are to be celebrated with friends, food, and gifts. I am disappointed with anything less. Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed even though it may be someone's birthday and not my own when this happens. This is becoming more of the norm now days.