Day 193, 29Sep10

We're going to do it. We will begin family therapy in 1.5 weeks. Cathie and I have seen a therapist twice in preparation. He seems like a nice therapist. He states he is classically trained so it will be a lot of talk I suspect. The one thing in this favor is he has a dog (Roxanne) he brings along. Hopefully that will be enough to make her feel at ease. I am keeping my hopes tempered.

Today we went through a crash history of Jasmine's life up until now. He spent a few minutes on Alicia's death and Jasmine's involvement. I was thinking that I really had not recalled the events of the 20th or 21st of March out loud to anyone. Thus I became significantly emotional during this recall. It was another rush of emotions leaving me feel as it had just happened yesterday. That was tough. Learning from this, I suspect the more I talk about these circumstances and events, the more comfortable I will be speaking about them.

We still have not changed much in her room. The sheets are still the same, her clothes and jewelery are still the same. We have piled some stuff in there so we could paint Jasmine's room as well as the carpet steam vac we borrowed from my brother. Her desk still has all of her stuff crammed into the nooks and crannies. The new additions to her desk are the boxes for her ashes and my dad's. They sit atop the desk right next to each other. We still want to scatter her ashes over half dome and Joshua tree. We still have to figure out when with Cathie's sister who has a private plane. That will be a tough day for me.

Day 190, 26Sep10

The last few days have been absolutely stunning with temps in the 80s-90s. Interestingly, since Alicia's death ART has become a significant part of our lives. We have attended numerous art openings and have purchased a few pieces of art. Today we attended the Mill Valley Art Fair. There were a lot of great art and artists with everything including woodworking, jewelery, large metal installations windmills, photography, glass, painting, fabrics etc. Saturday night we attended an art opening in Petaluma at the Boomarang gallery in HeeBee-JeeBee. Why now? What is drawing me towards art? Cathie has always been drawn to art, but now I find myself doing the same. Our tastes in art is different, but the fact that I am now open or paying attention to art is weird.

We have reached out to a therapist for us as a family. Jasmine and I are no longer seeing a separate therapist. In my situation, my therapist agreed that I am in a pretty good spot right now. Jasmine's situation is she relayed to us she is not connecting with the therapist before summer began coupled with the fact given summer schedules, Jasmine would only see the therapist 2 times, we stopped with the commitment that we would seek family therapy this Fall. I hope that by attending as a family, Jasmine will stick with it longer. We'll see. The person we will try is more of a classic therapist...couch and all. We have names for a few others that Cathie is trying to schedule for us as well. I hope we find a good fit sooner this time around. I am up front with all, that we are seeing others until we find a fit for us.

My hope with therapy for the family is that we gain an appreciation where everyone is at in their emotions and grief and feel comfortable to talk about it. Thus we may be able to be even more considerate of each other.

Day 184, 20Sep10

We have arrived to the 6th month anniversary of Alicia's death. I was flying home today from Camden ME and was flipping through movies on United. I ran across a Movie with Anette Benning about giving up a child to adoption and reconnecting later in life. There was a labor scene at the beginning. My mind immediately was flooded with my memories of Alicia's birth, the days preceding and following her birth. I became choked up with tears. The person sitting next to me stared a bit until I was able to work through the memories and my emotions. The memories flooded all of my senses. I recall the sounds of Cathie's labor, the nonchalant way we went to the hospital 3 hours after her water broke. Sitting in the birthing room afterward holding Alicia. The moment Cathie decided on her name. It was such an intense feeling.

What I am doing with my life? What are my goals? I have always taken each step solely based on the merits at that moment. I really do not have an overall plan for my life and beyond. I guess I should start putting a plan with goals in place. I have not been entirely successful providing for the family. I guess I need to figure this out soon while I can.

Day 179, 15Sep10

Well, I made it to my birthday (yesterday)...yipee. Once again, I am away from home on my bday. I am attending a conference in Boston for anti-infective therapies. I spent my bday catching up on invasive pulmonary infections, revised treatment guidelines, latest developments in ventilator associated pneumonia, and the like. I started at 7am and ended at 7pm. I went out for dinner with a few colleagues afterwards. No pomp or circumstance. No one around me was aware. But I received quite a few well wishes via the 'book from friends and family. So while I was not able to spend it with them, I felt their presence and support.

Today I tied off a few emails this AM then spent the rest of the day with my mentor and good friend in the Boston area. During our lunch, I found myself unable to talk about Alicia without tearing up. It was hard just to get through my thoughts much less convey them. I felt very self conscious tearing up at a busy lunch restaurant. We were getting into spiritual matters and thoughts of heaven and earth. I could not control the tears as they flowed. It was a hard lunch. I kept seeing your college students about the town. I recalled her trip up to Boston to visit colleges last October while I was in NY. I recall how she was beaming thinking of colleges and the future that lay before her.

Just the other day, Cathie and I talked about some of my dark thoughts in which I ask the unanswerable questions and blame myself for not taking time that Friday to stop and talk to her before she bolted out the door. How just the act of stopping her and talking may have made a difference... or it may not have made any difference. I try not to go down this route of thinking but at times, I do find myself there.

5 days and counting...

Day 174, 10Sep10

In the past 6 days I have experienced one of my professional highs points as which may have triggered some raw emotions. On 07Sep10, we received unanimous FDA Advisory Committee vote in favor of our new antibiotic, ceftaroline fosamil. We presented to the AdCom our community acquired-pneumonia and complicated skin and skin structure infection studies. This is one of the last major hurdles in the review of our drug. We anticipate approval late this year. I was sitting in the front row during the meeting in Maryland. After the votes, I began to cry tears of joy and relief. The company was founded five years ago with the singular purpose of developing ceftaroline. I had joined four years ago to drive the pivotal studies which were presented. While I contributed to other successful drugs, this one I take great pride.

During my long and late flight home, I found my self crying at the thought that I would not be able to share this moment with Alicia. She and I had often talked about drug development and our drug. My mind began to create what may have been Alicia’s last steps and her fall. Recalling what the coroner had put forth has the likely course of events. I began to imagine what she may have felt... how scared she must have been. I spiraled with these thoughts for what seemed like a long time. I snapped back to the present when the cabin attendant asked if I needed something to drink.

I suspect I will continue to have these ‘gifts’. I miss her terribly.

Day 168, 04Sep10

I can not believe it has been almost 6 months since Alicia’s death. For me, this has been like living in a parallel universe. One from which we can never return. I remember what life was like before I switched universes... what life was like with the four of us. While we were not “the Cleavers”, we did OK. We had our ‘ups and downs’ as families do but we had each other. I long for those days. Now I can only remember what life was like and hypothesize what life may have been.

We have all changed for good, bad, or indifferent. Yet our pain and sorrow is still fresh. Cathie had set her sights on becoming a member of Marin Search and Rescue which she recently achieved with hard work and determination. Cathie and I have taken up tennis a couple of nights a week. This is a sport Cathie had wanted for our family to take up for years which we never did. I have seen more movies in theaters that I have in the past 2 to 3 years. Cathie and Jasmine had always been big movie goers. We have attended more art events along those same lines. I guess Alicia’s death has pushed me to live for today. Enjoy things while I am able and do not take the small things for granted.

I sense Jasmine is headed for a cross roads. She is your typical teenage angst riddled insecure girl. When Alicia died, she lost a huge pillar of support. Someone she can speak to in confidence who had shared experiences growing up together. This past summer, Jasmine spent a significant portion of it away form home by her design. Now that school has begun, she maybe feeling disoriented. Most of Alicia’s friends have gone off to college with the rest going shortly. These friends have been the source of significant support for her. They have helped ease her transition but now are on the verge of leaving. She will once again have to find her way. I think it maybe of some help to get her into a peer support group setting.

Day 165, 01Sep10

I need to get better speaking about Alicia and her accident. I find when I speak about her, I begin to tear. The more I talk about Alicia and her accident, my eyes really well up with tears. I'm not sure if I will ever feel 'in control' and maybe control is just an illusion.

Yesterday, I had dinner with a few friends after work one of whom did not know about Alicia. He asked about the girls and I steered him to conversation about Jasmine. I then asked about his daughter who is in 2nd grade. He eventually asked about Alicia. The person sitting across from us just sat there and waited. I matter of fact stated Alicia had died in March from falling off a cliff. He stammered a bit trying to judge the situation. I leaned in and assured him it was the truth. I relayed we were struggling but going to work has helped me.