Dat 285, 30Dec10

Well, this is likely my last post of 2010. I can not say I am disappointed that 2010 draws to a close. I am grateful for everyone's support which enabled me and the family to cope with Alicia's, my dad's, and aunt's death. I can not say I am a stronger person from the experience, but I can appreciate the depths of emotions.

These holidays have been weird. I have taken the last 2 weeks off of work. Yet most of the time has been spent apart. When we are together, the 'holiday cheer' is at most thin veneer and most of the time not even present. I am going through the traditional holiday motions of buying gifts, decorating the tree, listening to holiday music, baking breads, dropping of gifts etc but with little internal cheer. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoying giving, but the emotions are quite a bit duller. I have read and been told that this is 'normal' and over time, things will improve.

I was filling out the 2011 family calendar we buy every year. This is a calendar which has up to five columns for people. I began filling it in, but caught myself before I wrote Alicia's name. I readjusted myself, then wrote Jasmine's name leaving two empty columns. I marked the birthdays and vacations. I want to mark March 20th, and July 10th but could not find a subtle way to doing so. These are dates that will be with me forever.

I decided to get a tattoo in remembrance. I had been thinking of a tattoo for a few years but could not decide on a design. Cathie had a feather tattoo on her hand (webbing between thumb and forefinger) in Aug/Sep of this year. With my extra time during the holidays, it struck me that I would like an angel. So I began searching on line and found quite a few designs. Most were on people's backs. This made sense to me in that when it is my time, Alicia will be there to show me the way. I searched the net for different designs and found the design above on a great website for tattoo designs (www.tattoojohnny.com). I went to our local tattoo parlor, Spider Murphy's (www.spidermurphys.com) and made an appt. Heather Bailey was did a great job in about an hour.

So with my new tattoo, I look forward to 2011.

Day280, 25Dec10 (Christmas Day)

Here is our family letter for this year...

2010

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~ from a headstone in Ireland

Cathie, Jasmine, and I would like to thank you and all of our dear friends who helped us emotionally, physically, and mentally survive the events of the past year. Through friendships such as ours, we have managed to the next day… then the next… and so on. We continue to struggle to find a new balance in our lives while cherishing the memories of my aunt, Eleanor Jue (Feburary 3rd), our daughter, Alicia Lee (March 20th), my father, Robine Lee (May 4th).

During these times of world wide political strife, an excellent balanced education is vital for the generations to come. Yet time and time again, public education funding is being slashed. Art, music, outdoor programs, and teacher’s aides are disappearing. In that spirit, we ask that everyone consider a tax-deductible donation to the scholarship fund we have established in Alicia’s name for the TEAM program via the Tamalpais High School District. Donations can me sent to:

Alicia Lee Scholarship Fund
C/O Tamalpais Union High School District
Attention TEAM Program
PO Box 605
Larkspur, CA 94977
Tax ID # 68-0194361

Day 274, 19Dec10

No matter what I do, listen to, eat, drink or watch, I can not get into the holiday spirit. The lights are up. The house is decorated. The stockings have been hung. The banana breads have been baked. Yet, I can not get into the spirit. After a visit to the gym this AM, I went into SF and walked around Chestnut street with the intention of gift buying. I ambled down Chestnut, then Scott, back to Fillmore, then back. I watched shoppers walking around with arms full of shopping bags, pushing strollers, negotiating with their kids as to where next. I found my self watching and wishing, but not inspired.

I walked by the Squat and Gobble which was Alicia's fav restaurant. I had never been. It was packed with holiday shoppers today. I briefly glanced at the menu. Nothing really special. I am still curious what was it that drew Alicia to it. I will try to eat there soon.

I am an inspirational shopper. But with Jasmine skiing in CO and Cathie tied up, I am not able to self motivate. I used to love this time of year. Buying gifts, window shopping with the girls. Alas, I find myself feeling being on the outside looking in on folks who are into the spirit.

I feel as if I should probably start seeing a therapist again. The veneer I wear at work is still thick enough. I am taking the next 2 weeks off, but I have nothing planned at home. I have found too much time by my self is not a good thing. I acutely feel the absence of Alicia. I wish will all of my heart and soul you still feel my love.

Day 267, 12Dec10

I continue to be amazed with the life of Elizabeth Edwards who had lost a son, Wade at the age of 16. In her recent book, 'Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities' she shares how she managed through her tragedy. I find inspiration in her descriptions of her emotions, and thoughts on God and life. She was a strong women and should be an inspiration for us all.

I found a lot of similarities with her thoughts/emotions with my own. With that, I guess I find comfort and inspiration. We are still within 12 months of Alicia's death, where as she was 14 years beyond. Her descriptions of her emotional and family's evolution are bittersweet and heartfelt.


With the holidays upon us, I am truly struggling. I used to look forward towards decorating a tree, putting up the house icicle lights, hanging the stockings, baking banana breads, and holiday shopping with the girls. It is now all different. Alicia used to be the first to help. Jasmine and Cathie would join in after Alicia and I had started. This year, I feel as if these activities have fallen upon me mostly due to circumstances and timing (eg trainings, parties). Even holiday music has not gained a foothold in our house this year.

I hung 4 stockings as I usually do. I thought about it as I was hanging them. For me, Alicia's stocking has another meaning. This is a stocking that my mom crocheted for me when I was little. I was happy that Alicia like using that stocking a few years back as a memory of my mother.

This weekend was my banana bread baking weekend. I bake breads for the holidays as gifts. Usually Alicia and Jasmine would help and we'd knock it out in a weekend. This year, Jasmine had other plans, Thus I still baked the breads. I find cooking a joy but baking without the girls was heart wrenching. Too much time for me to reminisce.

Day 262, 07Dec10

Terrible news. The passing of Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of once a presidential candidate John Edwards from North Carolina. I read an article about her on Yahoo (
I was touched deeply by the story of her strength and courage in dealing with the death of her son at 16yo, the diagnosis of breast cancer, the news of her ex-husband's philandering, and the recurrence of her cancer. My gosh that lady endured so many hard emotional events and never lost her grace.

I can relate to what the article relays about dealing with her son's death. I too find myself with small things, songs, smells, sounds, triggering memories of Alicia. It happens in various places. I rarely can see it coming before it hits me. WAP... broadsided by my emotions. These memories often start out pleasantly until I recall she died. Then it all goes into the toilet.

This week begins the Holiday parties. The Marin Search and Rescue party begins our season. Cathie has relayed that they will plan to speak about several of their searches this year which includes the search for Alicia. Then they plan to 'reveal' the 'white elephant' which is Cathie is now part of their organization. I've thought about this and know I will have a hard time emotionally during that portion. I suspect I will emotionally relive those memories. I know I will cry. But I also want to be there for Cathie. She has given me a pass if I want to not attend. I will be there for her.

I need to get better controlling my emotions at events as such. This will not be the last time I will attend an event during which Alicia will be mentioned. Part of me feels as if I am honoring her memory with each tear I shed. Over time, these tears may become precious.

Day 253 28Nov10

Thus begins our first holiday season as a family of 3.

We went to our cabin in Tahoe as we have mostly done for the past 4-5 years. This year there was tons of fresh snow and even more fell during our stay. Alicia used to love some of the holiday food such as a jell0-cranberry-fruit salad/relish. This recipe came to us via close friends a few years back and had become a staple.

Going to the cabin brought back memories of Alicia. The times we spent playing in the new snow. The hours of games we played as a family. How Cathie used to struggle to get her and Jasmine out of the cabin. I felt a certain spark was missing this year. Her giddiness and general light outlook on things were at times silly, bit none the less, welcome. Especially when we played board games (Monopoly and Scrabble), the emptiness was exaggerated.

When we came home Saturday, I went into Alicia's room and looked around. I reread her mirror with her college thoughts and "To Do List" which included a note "buy a gift for Papi". I poked around her desk and was overwhelmed with emotion. I found her small digital camera I bought for the girls last Christmas. I recharged the batteries and scrolled through the pictures. She had taken a few of her UCSF internship, a various objects for her photo class.

We also had some friends (Alicia's classmates) drop bye before they returned to college. I am forever grateful that they still make the time to visit us. They are continuing to spread their wings and will soon take flight in life. I hope that we will remain a part of their lives.

I need to come to grips with our reality. How do I grapple with my sentimental emotions with her room? I know it does not make sense to keep it as it is forever. Cathie has put forth plans for the room with which Jasmine has agreed.

It's gonna be a tough Holiday Season.

Day 246, 21Nov10

I was watching a movie based on the Mitch Albom book 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven'.

I had purchased this movie quite a while ago and have enjoyed watching it. This time around I began to wonder who were the five people waiting for Alicia as well as if she would be one waiting for me. For Alicia, she had not know many people who died before she did. The most recent would have been my aunt in Feb'10. Alicia was at her bed side when she died. My uncle who she did not know well did die about 2 years ago. So most of the folks she would have been met by may have been tangentually known to her. For me, I hope she will be the first person to greet me.

Coming home this week from NY, the car driver asked about Alicia. The driver owns a car company which I have been using for about 1 year and we both like to talk/share. It struck me that I had not shared this with her. She did note that I had stopped travelling for a period last Spring. I told her about my aunt, Alicia, and my dad all dying in 2010. I still have a hard time controlling my emotions when recounting the details. I imagine that I will continue to get these questions although hopefully less so over time.

Will this ever get easier?

Day 238, 13Nov10

This week was a emotionally hard therapy session. We talked about the up coming holidays and Alicia's room. I teared up at least 3 times over the course of a 1 hour session. I resisted using kleenex... I guess as a show of machismo.

Last week the girls suggested we convert Alicia's room into a reading room library. I had not thought about what to do with her room and asked them to hold off. They were prepared to begin immediately, I was not. Alicia's clothes, books, and belongings have been thinned out. Some given to her friends and some used by the girls. But there are still alot of things which we have not delved into such as the nooks and crannies of her roll top desk. There are quite a few cubby holes/drawers which are filled with Alicia's stuff I have not even looked at. This will be a lot of heavy emotions for me.

The therapist asked if I wanted to keep her room as is for memories. I do not. We do need to move on. I guess I just need to be prepared emotionally.

The holidays are also coming. TDay is not a big deal for us thus it should be fine. We're headed to the mountains. I'll go up earlier to get away and maybe do some fishing. My brother will likely join us as well as a friend and her partner. I am more concerned about XMas. This... will be hard. The first year of not having her put fort her ever growing wish list. I may still purchase/do something as a memento of the 1st year.

Day 231, 06Nov10

It's club volleyball season again. Tryouts began today for both Marin clubs. Jasmine has decided not to tryout this year. Along with her dropping out of CYO volleyball this fall, this is probably the end of volleyball. It's been 5 years that either Alicia or Jasmine has been in volleyball.

I clearly recall the 1st club volleyball clinic Alicia attended with Marin Juniors. This was her 8th grade year at KDBS. She had played 2 years with KDBS but not club. Did did OK the 1st clinic. They spent a significant amount of time on the basics which she picked up quickly. Then they had her hit from the outside hitter position. Behold, she performed scissor kick right before hitting the ball. Caring spent a little bit of time trying to get her to stop the kicks which takes energy away from the hit. She went on to attend a 2nd clinic before try outs.

She was so nervous a her 1st try outs. Most of the girls knew each other from CYO except for Alicia. One of her KDBS classmates, Michaela also tried out. Alicia was sitting on pens and needles waiting for the call. She did well enough to be invited to play on the White team (3rd team). She was happy to make a team but wanted on the Green team (2nd). She accepted. The next day, she was invited to play on the Green team with Cherlyn and Earle.

That year, was the beginning of a 4 year volleyball career for her. She played high school and club. She had the benefit of playing with Marin Juniors and Absolute VC. I tried to see as many of her matches as I was able. I provided our tents,benches, tables, blankets,and chairs.

With Jasmine not playing this year, I am up in the air with my reffing. Club season is long with full weekends consumed by the tournaments. I used to love talking with Alicia and Jasmine abut some of the things I saw on the court. Jasmine really was not interested but Alicia was. What to do?

Day 224, 30Oct10

Yesterday we received FDA approval for our new antibiotic, Teflaro to treat the "Superbug" MRSA. This is the 3rd time I have been involved ina successful drug development program. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity. There are folks in the industry who go their entire career without an approval and I have now been involved in 3. Cool.

It would have been nice to share this with Alicia. I have been working on this product for the past 5 years. I have flown the world over for this product which Alicia felt contributed to my be absent from her life.

Last night, Cathie and I had dinner with a good friend who edited the videos from Alicia's memorial and posted them on You Tube. We had a wonderful time. We covered the waterfront of topics which included Alicia. I teared up twice during the conversation. Once when we talked about Alicia and once when we talked about the people whic died this year. It has been a very rough year. I can hardly wait to get out of 2010.

All of these emotions are just under my skin ready to explode when there is an opportunity. I imagine it will be this way for a while. I need accept these moments as a 'gift of memory'.

Day 217, 23Oct10

I spent 4 days this week in NY. We drove by the apartment I had rented almost 1 year ago when Alicia wanted to check out colleges in Boston and NJ. As we drove by on the way to JFK, I recalled that week Cathie and Alicia came along. The apartment was great and the girls had a fun visit. For the most part, it was a pleasurable memory.

But during the flight home, I was crammed into a window seat in coach. When we were within 60 mins of landing, the memory of telling my dad that Alicia had died on that Sunday resurfaced. He kept saying how it should have been him instead of her. I clearly recall the strained tone of his voice, his crying and anguish. He passed out within 5 mins of the news. It was too much stress in his weak state. I could not get up, so I sat there and just cried by myself. I looked out the window and wondered if she was with me or at least looking down at me. What would she say? Maybe a one of her usual "Silly pops".

In the end, he was able to see Alicia before we will be able to see her again. For that, I am very sad.

Day 210, 16Oct10

How am I holding myself together? That is a question I often reflect upon. Is it that I was raised on a farm in central IL as the only Asian family for more than 50 sq miles? Thus I had to be more resilient? Or maybe the way we were raised to control our emotions or risk being seen as weak.

I have come to recognize that I have a thin veneer which covers my emotional turmoil. The slightest scratch of the surface, then boom. Here it all comes. The tears, the memories... everything. It feels as if Alicia died just yesterday when this happens. My emotions are frayed and mind racing. I do not think this will change for me for a very long time if not forever.

Today when Jasmine and I were meeting with the family therapist, he asked how many times I had thought about Alicia this week. Just by him asking that question, I teared up. As I recalled a few of the instances this week, the tears kept coming. I diverted my mind to get my mind and tears under control.

Day 204, 10Oct10

We had our first family therapy appointment yesterday. For me, it was a first uncomfortable but became less so. I am glad we are making an effort to have all three of us together. There are things we used to do as a family before Alicia died that we have not done since. I'm not entirely sure this is purposeful, but it is fact. We used to play game together such as "Apples to Apples" or "Scrabble". We used to have regular dinners together which have decreased in frequency. Why? Is there something we are avoiding? Memories? We'll give it a go with the therapist for a while. Jasmine seems to be handling her emotions around Alicia well. But an area which needs attention is Cathie's mother/daughter relationship with Jasmine.

This is going to be a year of 1sts. We will have to endure the holidays without Alicia. We have a vacation planned for the 3 of us to Hawaii. These have the potential of being emotionally difficult for me, especially the holidays. We have a tradition during the holidays to bake banana breads to give as gifts. The two girls would help me and we crank out over 20 mini-loaves in 1-2days. I used to look forward to this. Now...I'm unsure both for myself and Jasmine.

Day 197, 03Oct10

Normal. According to Merriam-Webster, one of the many definitions is... "conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern". Where we are, 'normal' is an elusive theoretical construct. Are we deluding ourselves thinking we can achieve a sense of 'normalcy'? More than 6 months since Alicia's death, we are still struggling if we can redfine 'normal' for us.

Just the other day, someone asked if things are getting back to normal. The question struck me as one which I can give a nonchalant or more serious answer. In that instance, I opted for the less intense answer of "we're trying". But in reality, we are not living a normal life. The thought of Ward and June Cleaver we are not. We will always struggle with Alicia's death.

To this day we feel the familiar pangs of grief with various thoughts and memories. On Friday we met with a therapist in preparation for our 1st all family session next weekend. He asked how did Jasmine find out about Alicia being missing and her death. As I was relaying the events, I became overrun with emotions. I found myself struggling even with this simple question. Up to now, no one had asked me to recite the events of that weekend. I sense that recalling new memories, I struggle. If I had previously described it, I am better keeping myself together. I guess there is something to the old addage ... practice makes perfect.

Day 193, 29Sep10

We're going to do it. We will begin family therapy in 1.5 weeks. Cathie and I have seen a therapist twice in preparation. He seems like a nice therapist. He states he is classically trained so it will be a lot of talk I suspect. The one thing in this favor is he has a dog (Roxanne) he brings along. Hopefully that will be enough to make her feel at ease. I am keeping my hopes tempered.

Today we went through a crash history of Jasmine's life up until now. He spent a few minutes on Alicia's death and Jasmine's involvement. I was thinking that I really had not recalled the events of the 20th or 21st of March out loud to anyone. Thus I became significantly emotional during this recall. It was another rush of emotions leaving me feel as it had just happened yesterday. That was tough. Learning from this, I suspect the more I talk about these circumstances and events, the more comfortable I will be speaking about them.

We still have not changed much in her room. The sheets are still the same, her clothes and jewelery are still the same. We have piled some stuff in there so we could paint Jasmine's room as well as the carpet steam vac we borrowed from my brother. Her desk still has all of her stuff crammed into the nooks and crannies. The new additions to her desk are the boxes for her ashes and my dad's. They sit atop the desk right next to each other. We still want to scatter her ashes over half dome and Joshua tree. We still have to figure out when with Cathie's sister who has a private plane. That will be a tough day for me.

Day 190, 26Sep10

The last few days have been absolutely stunning with temps in the 80s-90s. Interestingly, since Alicia's death ART has become a significant part of our lives. We have attended numerous art openings and have purchased a few pieces of art. Today we attended the Mill Valley Art Fair. There were a lot of great art and artists with everything including woodworking, jewelery, large metal installations windmills, photography, glass, painting, fabrics etc. Saturday night we attended an art opening in Petaluma at the Boomarang gallery in HeeBee-JeeBee. Why now? What is drawing me towards art? Cathie has always been drawn to art, but now I find myself doing the same. Our tastes in art is different, but the fact that I am now open or paying attention to art is weird.

We have reached out to a therapist for us as a family. Jasmine and I are no longer seeing a separate therapist. In my situation, my therapist agreed that I am in a pretty good spot right now. Jasmine's situation is she relayed to us she is not connecting with the therapist before summer began coupled with the fact given summer schedules, Jasmine would only see the therapist 2 times, we stopped with the commitment that we would seek family therapy this Fall. I hope that by attending as a family, Jasmine will stick with it longer. We'll see. The person we will try is more of a classic therapist...couch and all. We have names for a few others that Cathie is trying to schedule for us as well. I hope we find a good fit sooner this time around. I am up front with all, that we are seeing others until we find a fit for us.

My hope with therapy for the family is that we gain an appreciation where everyone is at in their emotions and grief and feel comfortable to talk about it. Thus we may be able to be even more considerate of each other.

Day 184, 20Sep10

We have arrived to the 6th month anniversary of Alicia's death. I was flying home today from Camden ME and was flipping through movies on United. I ran across a Movie with Anette Benning about giving up a child to adoption and reconnecting later in life. There was a labor scene at the beginning. My mind immediately was flooded with my memories of Alicia's birth, the days preceding and following her birth. I became choked up with tears. The person sitting next to me stared a bit until I was able to work through the memories and my emotions. The memories flooded all of my senses. I recall the sounds of Cathie's labor, the nonchalant way we went to the hospital 3 hours after her water broke. Sitting in the birthing room afterward holding Alicia. The moment Cathie decided on her name. It was such an intense feeling.

What I am doing with my life? What are my goals? I have always taken each step solely based on the merits at that moment. I really do not have an overall plan for my life and beyond. I guess I should start putting a plan with goals in place. I have not been entirely successful providing for the family. I guess I need to figure this out soon while I can.

Day 179, 15Sep10

Well, I made it to my birthday (yesterday)...yipee. Once again, I am away from home on my bday. I am attending a conference in Boston for anti-infective therapies. I spent my bday catching up on invasive pulmonary infections, revised treatment guidelines, latest developments in ventilator associated pneumonia, and the like. I started at 7am and ended at 7pm. I went out for dinner with a few colleagues afterwards. No pomp or circumstance. No one around me was aware. But I received quite a few well wishes via the 'book from friends and family. So while I was not able to spend it with them, I felt their presence and support.

Today I tied off a few emails this AM then spent the rest of the day with my mentor and good friend in the Boston area. During our lunch, I found myself unable to talk about Alicia without tearing up. It was hard just to get through my thoughts much less convey them. I felt very self conscious tearing up at a busy lunch restaurant. We were getting into spiritual matters and thoughts of heaven and earth. I could not control the tears as they flowed. It was a hard lunch. I kept seeing your college students about the town. I recalled her trip up to Boston to visit colleges last October while I was in NY. I recall how she was beaming thinking of colleges and the future that lay before her.

Just the other day, Cathie and I talked about some of my dark thoughts in which I ask the unanswerable questions and blame myself for not taking time that Friday to stop and talk to her before she bolted out the door. How just the act of stopping her and talking may have made a difference... or it may not have made any difference. I try not to go down this route of thinking but at times, I do find myself there.

5 days and counting...

Day 174, 10Sep10

In the past 6 days I have experienced one of my professional highs points as which may have triggered some raw emotions. On 07Sep10, we received unanimous FDA Advisory Committee vote in favor of our new antibiotic, ceftaroline fosamil. We presented to the AdCom our community acquired-pneumonia and complicated skin and skin structure infection studies. This is one of the last major hurdles in the review of our drug. We anticipate approval late this year. I was sitting in the front row during the meeting in Maryland. After the votes, I began to cry tears of joy and relief. The company was founded five years ago with the singular purpose of developing ceftaroline. I had joined four years ago to drive the pivotal studies which were presented. While I contributed to other successful drugs, this one I take great pride.

During my long and late flight home, I found my self crying at the thought that I would not be able to share this moment with Alicia. She and I had often talked about drug development and our drug. My mind began to create what may have been Alicia’s last steps and her fall. Recalling what the coroner had put forth has the likely course of events. I began to imagine what she may have felt... how scared she must have been. I spiraled with these thoughts for what seemed like a long time. I snapped back to the present when the cabin attendant asked if I needed something to drink.

I suspect I will continue to have these ‘gifts’. I miss her terribly.

Day 168, 04Sep10

I can not believe it has been almost 6 months since Alicia’s death. For me, this has been like living in a parallel universe. One from which we can never return. I remember what life was like before I switched universes... what life was like with the four of us. While we were not “the Cleavers”, we did OK. We had our ‘ups and downs’ as families do but we had each other. I long for those days. Now I can only remember what life was like and hypothesize what life may have been.

We have all changed for good, bad, or indifferent. Yet our pain and sorrow is still fresh. Cathie had set her sights on becoming a member of Marin Search and Rescue which she recently achieved with hard work and determination. Cathie and I have taken up tennis a couple of nights a week. This is a sport Cathie had wanted for our family to take up for years which we never did. I have seen more movies in theaters that I have in the past 2 to 3 years. Cathie and Jasmine had always been big movie goers. We have attended more art events along those same lines. I guess Alicia’s death has pushed me to live for today. Enjoy things while I am able and do not take the small things for granted.

I sense Jasmine is headed for a cross roads. She is your typical teenage angst riddled insecure girl. When Alicia died, she lost a huge pillar of support. Someone she can speak to in confidence who had shared experiences growing up together. This past summer, Jasmine spent a significant portion of it away form home by her design. Now that school has begun, she maybe feeling disoriented. Most of Alicia’s friends have gone off to college with the rest going shortly. These friends have been the source of significant support for her. They have helped ease her transition but now are on the verge of leaving. She will once again have to find her way. I think it maybe of some help to get her into a peer support group setting.

Day 165, 01Sep10

I need to get better speaking about Alicia and her accident. I find when I speak about her, I begin to tear. The more I talk about Alicia and her accident, my eyes really well up with tears. I'm not sure if I will ever feel 'in control' and maybe control is just an illusion.

Yesterday, I had dinner with a few friends after work one of whom did not know about Alicia. He asked about the girls and I steered him to conversation about Jasmine. I then asked about his daughter who is in 2nd grade. He eventually asked about Alicia. The person sitting across from us just sat there and waited. I matter of fact stated Alicia had died in March from falling off a cliff. He stammered a bit trying to judge the situation. I leaned in and assured him it was the truth. I relayed we were struggling but going to work has helped me.

Day 162, 29Aug10

Its official. Cathie has been invited to join Marin's Search and Rescue (MSaR)Team. She has been building towards this moment before Alicia had died. Alicia had been instrumental in Cathie's initial application to MSaR. Coming off her TEAM experience, she was focused on anything outdoors or rock climbing. A very good friend Catherine had suggested to Cathie that she apply when we moved up to Marin a few years back. And so it has come to be.

The application interview had gone smoothly until the last question. The youngest of the panel asked if she would re-apply if she did not make it this time around. From what Cathie said, she began crying. To reach this point, she completed on her own the NOLS Wilderness First Aide course in Tahoe (2 full days) and achieved her NOLS Wilderness First Responder (WoFR) certification (80 hours) at Sonoma State Univ. Bottom line, she said no. She did not feel that reapplying next year was a option.

Every day as I walk down the hall past Alicia's old room, I find myself glancing in the room half expecting to see Alicia. Cathie has moved a few things around but for the most part, her things are still there. Her clothes are still hanging, jewelry on her star and in the small wall cabinet, her bed has the same sheets etc. Jasmine suggested we use her room as a library. I'm not ready to consider these options. I still think of it as Alicia's room. I'm not sure when this will change...but it eventually will change... as life moves on.

Day155, 22Aug10

It's back to school time for Jasmine this week. The local HSs started last week and grade schools this week. This year will be trying for Jasmine. She missed a lot of school last year even before Alicia died. Afterwards all pretenses of going to school were not even attempted. Her counselor met with Jasmine at the end of the school year to relay that this school year, she can not miss any days. So as we prep her to go back to school, she is not willingly discussing this point. She wants to handle it herself for the 1st trimester. I want to encourage her to take care of it herself and I want to show her we trust her.

I spent 3 and a half hours this AM at a HS volleyball meeting for officials. I am sitting there listening to the various speakers and videos reviewing the rules and mechanics of officiating. Most of the officials had either played or coached vball. There were probably 2 similar to me had kids play and just became curious. Now as I sit and listen, I am still unsure what am I doing there? Why am I doing this? There is a fair bit of work to become familiar with HS rules which are different from club. Jasmine is playing CYSO vball this Fall and will probably try out for club again this winter. I used to enjoy talking about the rules and situations with Alicia. Jasmine did not enjoy the vball banter. I guess I am doing this to give back to a sport Alicia loved playing for 6 years.

We hosted this years Block Party this past Saturday. We had good turnout with lots of food. It was quite enjoyable to meet neighbors I have yet to meet. During the entire affair, no one brought up Alicia. I felt it was like the white elephant roaming the party. I was able to keep the conversation light and topical. I sensed Cathie was not enjoying the party and/or conversation thus she would slip away from time to time.

Day 149, 16Aug10

I have been seeing a therapist since Alicia's death. I feel the 'help has helped'. Emotionally I operate within a narrow band...not too high and not too low. Alicia's death took me to places emotionally I have never experienced. My therapist has helped me feel these emotions without asking the unanswerable questions about fairness and a reason. There is no reason for her death. A series of bad judgments in an outdoor setting proved to be one too many decisions.

As I come up to 5 months since her death, I feel stable. I still have strong emotional recollections at times. But for the most part, I am emotionally healthy. So I have cut back my appointments to once a month for now. But, I have begun a search for a family therapist for the 3 of us together. This would be in place of Jasmine's therapist, in addition to Cathie's and my help. I hope the dynamic of all 3 of us there will prove to be useful to us all.

Day 147, 14Aug10

I was driving to Walton's Grizzle Lodge camp to pick up Jasmine today then drive home. All in all about a 450 mile round trip to the Sierra Mountains. I found that without notice, memories would flood into my conciseness. One minute I'd be flying up I-80 listening to the radio and the next I'm back at Alicia's memorial service receiving hugs from friends I had not seen in a few years. I could almost feel the hug. Then the memory would recede almost as quickly as it arrived. I had at least 3 of these 'gifts' on my drive up. One was so intense, I considered pulling over. I was tearing profusely. I'm not sure what is triggering these intense memories. They are fleeting but intense.

I'm still not comfortable attending 'good bye' parties for college departures. Cathie really connects with the kids and derives a lot of satisfaction. I anticipate feeling uncomfortable as I really did not know most of the kids expect for a select few of Alicia's closest friends. Am I being weird about this? Should I not feel this way?

I am a little apprehensive about volleyball this Fall/Winter. I suspect most of the refs have no idea of what happened. When Alicia died, I was scheduled to work a club tournament the following weekend which I begged off. I relayed the situation to the NCVA and informed them that I was done for the season. I attended a rules review clinic for the HS season. Of the 3 others attending, 1 knew of Alicia's death but the others did not. One of them was a club ref whom I shared a car pool many times last club season. I had not seen him since March. He began asking how was work and what had I been up to. I felt he was nibbling around the edge so I came out and told him about Alicia. He thought I was kidding but I assured him I would not lie about this. It was a tiny bit awkward and one I am sure will be repeated a few times as I get further into both HS and club vball season.

Day 143, 10Aug10

All the video clips from Alicia's Memorial are completed and posted on YouTube (ASL92dad). Posted are clips from the Tributes by Chuck, Patchen, Allison and Sarah, Craig, Lauren, Cathie, and Jim. Also we have the memories shared by friends and family separate from the Memorial service. Here is a link to David's beautiful ballad.

I have not been able to bring myself to watch a few of the clips. While they are definitely wonderful and heartfelt, it was hard enough to sit through them the 1st time. I am not prepared to relive the emotions yet. I am sure I will watch them... later.

Lately I have been a little off kilter. Alicia's friends and classmates are preparing for college. Some have already started. She was so looking forward to graduating and moving on to college. I had shared with her my college experiences in hopes she did not fall into the same mistakes but also positive experiences to consider. Cathie and I were looking forward to see just how much she would have attained in the college environment.

Also, I am prepping for the Fall HS Volleyball season. When Alicia died in March, I told the NCVA that for the rest of club season, I was done officiating. I had gotten into officiating wanting to learn more about volleyball rules. At the beginning of this year, Alicia and I would talk about the rules and situations I saw while officiating. We had fun discussing them. For this Fall, I am unsure what is motivating me to continue officiating. Is it just giving back to the volleyball community at large? I'll have another decision to make about Club season later.

Day 134, 01Aug10

Congratulations to Cathie who completed her Wilderness First Responders (WFR) certification program via National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS). The course is an 80 hour certification course which provides the basic first reponder skills for outdoor incidents. She had already taken the Wilderness First Aide course in Tahoe earlier this summer.

I never realized how many movies have a loss via death theme. This past weekend, Jasmine went to see Charlie St Cloud. There was the Lovely Bones book and movie also. I did not see either as I am pretty sure I would have been a mess emotionally. While I am not to the point of having a conversation outloud with Alicia, I do find myself mentally having one. Lately these have been inocious conversations.

I was speaking with a lady who works for Chevron on the plane from Washington DC to Argentina. She made small talk as we both were on the same flight from SFO to Washington DC then down and we were seated kitty corner on the flight to Argentina. She was headed down for 1 weeks worth of work then was flying her daughter down to spean a week sight seeing. I pretty much switched topics right then. Alicia always would want to go with me on these trips... to see the world. We only went last Fall to NYC so she could check out colleges. I feel really sad about not spending more time with her. Not travelling with her. Now that opportunity is lost.

Jasmine has asked us to go to France or the UK. She likes the idea of travel as well. I am determined to make these situations possible and enjoy life with Cathie and Jasmine. I do not want to let these moments go bye.

Day 130, 28Jul10

It has been over 1 week since I last posted. I sit here and have no idea where to start. I still struggle with the same things surrounding Alicia's death. I am accepting of her death. I accept the facts but I still consider 'what would Alicia would have done/liked'. As a good friend reframed for me, it is a gift. The gift of memory. I would give the world to turn back time and change the memories into reality. But that glass slipper no longer fits.

I feel as if Alicia is slowly slipping away...from me & my memories. I was thinking recently that I can not recall what she smelled like. I can still clearly remember her voice and the sound of her laughs. But things are slipping away. I no longer have any text messages on my phone due to a phone malfunction.

I listen to her ipod. I am amazed at the variety of songs. Her musical tastes travel well beyond my own. It reaches back into time well before my birth and extends to the present. I find myself amazed and grateful that I continue to get to know her.

So on one hand, things are slowly dissolving yet on the other hand, I continue to learn more and more about who she had become. The paradox of life.

We now have all the videos upon YouTube from the ceremony. Memories shared by her friends, stories shared during the ceremony, and montage of the ceremony. I will warn all, be prepared with kleenex or at least a clean sleeve when you watch. It is gut wrenching.

Dy 122, 20Jul10

Yesterday, another 17yo from Philly vacation with his family fell off a cliff near Muir Beach. He fell about 400 feet and died. My thoughts and prayers go out to the family. When I heard the tragic accident, I became emotionally paralyzed. I was instantly transported back to 3/20 and my mind was reliving that whole nightmare.

Recently, I was with a few friends. The daughter of one of them was married within the past 2 weeks. The conversation turned toward the details of the event and the happy couple. I listened passively, but could not bring myself to contribute other than a 'congratulations'. I was really stuck emotionally. I did not want to be insensitive and leave nor could I engage. I kept day dreaming how Alicia would have loved her own wedding. How beautiful she would be in a wedding dress, they type of service she would have loved etc. I know this is how it will be and I am powerless to change it.

Separately someone who works for me was just married this past weekend and a few folks attended. He was riding high when he returned to work. There was a lot of discussion about the events and details of his wedding. Once again, I felt the same emotions running through me as before. Will these situations ever get easier? Should I just excuse myself rather than put myself through it? I was able to keep myself together during these conversations.

Below is a link to my YouTube site with the various video clips from Alicia's memorial.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ASL92dad

Day 120, 18Jul10

Today, we have uploaded the wonderful memories of Alicia shared by friends and family on the day of her memorial. The clips are on You Tube on a channel hosted by ASL92Dad. I can not help but cry while watching these. Remembering Alicia... her spirit... her lightness of being. Enjoy

Day 115, 13Jul10

Cathie, Jasmine, and I are all seeking help from professionals. Initially after Alicia died, Cathie and I went for an intake interview at CoreStone (formerly Center for Attitudinal Healing)in the 1st week. I did not feel a connection with the person assigned to me. We were searching for people to help all three of us individually. Unfortunately, the people assigned to each of us did not fit with our needs. I subsequently contacted a person I had seen approximately 5 years ago for about 4 months. This has been a good fit for me and I continue with this person today.

For Jasmine, we contacted more than 6 people and meeting 3 of them spread as far south as Palo Alto (60 mins 1 way). In the end, we found a person with whom she felt comfortable near by. Jasmine has been asking, pushing us that she no longer wants to see her person. She states they talk a lot about her i-phone and the apps. Her therapist has asked us for more insight into Jasmine so that she can use it in her sessions. But I did get a sense any one way or another than the sessions were progressing or not.

Cathie found a person with whom she is comfortable speaking. This person was one of about 3 names given to me from our HR person at work who is also a professional therapist. Cathie has seen this person regularly now for a few weeks so it must feel comfortable for her. At first, it was emotionally difficult but it seems to have settled a bit.

Given Jasmine's push back, we are considering family sessions. A very dear friend of ours suggest family therapy. Family therapy worked for their situation. Cathie and I talked about family sessions previously, but it was not the right timing. Now that we have all been in sessions, we will try as a family this Fall. Our idea is to support each other and the family together. We are all suffering in our own private ways. It is my hope we will find a way to bridge our individual needs with each other so that we become a closer family.

Day 112, 10Jul10

Happy 18th Birthday Alicia. You'll be forever 18 to me. Not as day older. I wish you were here with us in body as well as spirit.

I strolled down to the bunker this morning. It was cold and foggy... usual summer weather. I cleaned up the old program and cranes with new ones. I also placed a dozen roses there. I always loved the smell of roses.

Curious thing, when I was about to leave the bunker, a runner came up and started looking at the program and bday card. I began walking down the hill when she caught up with me. She asked how I knew Alicia. She offered words of encourgament and support. We talked a bit more then hugged before she ran off. Just that exchange opened me up to the point that I cried almost the whole way back to the car...about 1.7 miles. The tears would ebb and flow. Just the simple act of kindness this morning was enough to lay my emotions bare. Like a scab with the emotions running just underneath.

We've been characterized as a 'sad house'. I guess that is true. We are all mourning in our own ways. Are we so sad that people & friends may be avoiding us? Are we so caught up in our world that people are uncomfortable with us? I hope this is not the case. I would hope that our friends would be understanding enough to realize we need outside support to pull out of this.

Here is a poem I had posted late March which I really like. Enjoy!

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other Then...
someone at my side says;"There, she is gone!""Gone where?"
Gone from my sight.
That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout,"Here she comes!"
And that is dying

Day 111, 09Jul10

Here we go. Tomorrow is Alicia's 18th birthday. Jasmine flies back from LA tomorrow morning. Jim will be here in the afternoon to help with my Dad's paperwork. So we will definitely have a BBQ tomorrow. Alicia loved ribs. Of all the BBQ food stuff, ribs were her thing. So I bought a decent slab or pork ribs for the grill tomorrow. Hopefully a few of Alicia's friends will drop by to share the day with us.

It is so weird and extremely depressing to think of tomorrow without Alicia. She usually began dropping gift hints at least 2 weeks ago. By now there would have been a list of potential gifts on either her or our bedroom mirror just in case I did not pick up on her 'hints'. On her bday, she would come into our bedroom all silly reminding us it was her bday.

I plan to go down to the bunker in T-Valley tomorrow morning. I will take some flowers to the memorial. This will be a lonely walk...more lonely than usual.

Yup... it is her birthday.

Day 109, 07Jul10

Three days and counting. Saturday is a day I have been dreading. Alicia's 18th birthday. The thought of this day is enough to send Cathie into tears. I would like to find a way to mark the occasion in a low key way with a few close friends of Alicia and us. I will probably hike down to the bunker on Saturday with flowers for the bunker. I will post this in f'book if anyone wants to come along.

For me, sharing the experience feels good. I don't want to make a big deal, but I also find sharing the experience comforting. I guess this fits...after all I am writing this blog and putting it out on the 'net.

Today I was driving to work when images of the TEAM prayer flags for Alicia streamed into my consciousness followed by images of the prayer flags from India that were sent to us from India. Then my emotions burst forth. I almost pulled the car over for safety but there was no where to pull over. I continued driving...crying... until I had to stop for a stop light. I looked up to the sky and just took in the views. My crying stopped and I was able to continue driving. I was able to get through the rest of the day without another emotional flood. Wow... such a rush of raw emotion and intense moment... and intense 'gift'.

I have been good not asking the unanswerable questions such as "why". These thoughts do creep into my psyche but I am able to accept no answer. I focus on how much she meant to me and how lucky I am to have had her in my life. I remember the silly moments we shared. Hearing her laugh, snort, and call everyone silly nicknames. My life changed for the better when she entered it and it changed when she died. I hope she is back together with g'pop, mom, and r-ee. When my time comes and I depart this earth, I look forward to seeing them all again.

Day 107, 05Jul10 (part 2)

Today was my first stroll down to T-Valley in more than 1 month. It was cold, foggy, and windy so much so that there were very few other people. It has been a long time since I had last gone for a visit. I had hurt my knee fly fishing which took me out for a few weeks then my travel. I was very happy to see that the program and cranes were still on the bunker vent. Someone had loosened it up so that they could read the program but it was all there.

After I secured things, I sat down on the bunker and pulled out my ipod and listened to a haunting song from Sanvean called 'I am Your Shadow'. As the song progressed, I became transfixed on a bird effortlessly riding the air currents and I cried. I'm not sure when it began, but there it was. Just me sitting on the bunker on a cold, windy, and foggy, watching a bird, and crying. The moment felt right. It felt right being at the place Alicia drew her last breath. It's hard for me to explain, but it just feels right.

I hiked up above the bunker and looked to the spot where she fell. I felt very very sad. I wish I could have been there... to protect her. To grab her as she precariously ambled toward the cliff. That is what a father is supposed to do, right? Protect and provide. I feel inadequate.

We raised her the best we knew how. She was a smart, fun loving kid. I would not change 1 thing with how we raised her. But losing her is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It strains all of our family ties, our psychs, our faith, and outlook on life. Right now, I am able to hold it together for the most part. I sense that my emotions are running a little deeper now.

Day107, 05Jul10

We spent this afternoon with a friend who's daughter attended school and played soccer with Alicia. It was a sunny but windy day on the bay. The last time I had sailed was with the same friend about 8+ years ago with Alicia. It was another sunny day on the bay. I recall sitting back thinking this was almost perfect. So sailing had a little edge to it emotionally for me.

This evening, we went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D. I had met the film's editor in Germany on our way home from Paris. The whole Andy college thing snuck upon us. The scene where his mom walks into a nearly bare room and broke down with memories started the emotional flood gates. Of all things, to sit in a nearly empty theater crying at a cartoon movie. This was a scene we would have loved to have experienced but it will be another 5 years.

We went to the movie in lieu of seeing fireworks at the Marin County fair. As a family, we had gone to watch the fireworks the past 2 years in the same spot from above the fairgrounds. This year without Jasmine, we decided not to go. The thought of watching again from spot from which we watched the past 2 years was a little much.

On Friday a good friend who I had met via The Compassionate Friends (TCF) shared with me his special place. The spot was set amongst a outcropping of trees over looking a reservoir. He had setup a beautiful area to read, write, and bask in her memory. The hike was beautiful and the intention was genuine. As we sat, we shared stories and moments about our daughters.

Alicia's friends are still posting on her F'book page. There are some amazing yet totally gut retching as well.

Five more days until her 18th bday. We are likely to keep it low key. Exactly what eludes us at this time.

Day 105, 03Jul10

The big day has almost arrived. Seven more days until Alicia's 18th birthday. We're struggling how to celebrate, mark, remember...not sure of the right verb Alicia's birthday. This year, Cathie and I will be here but Jasmine will still be in LA. So what... make a big deal of Alicia's bday? Spend it with some of her friends? Or keep it low key. Do soemthing that she enjoyed doing (eg rock climbing) or eating (Squat & Gobble). We're likely to keep it low key but maybe with some of her friends.

I can not beleive it has been 105 days since Alicia has died. Time seems to be flying by but as I had previously written about, my emotional time feels like it should be Day 30. Just Friday, I was in the coffee room at work at 7:30am before my 8am telecon when I was overcome with emotion. I began to cry. There was anyting that triggered this outburst. I was just waiting for my cup of coffee. It felt as if all the emotions of Alicia's death came back to me instantously.

A good friend also living with a loss, calls these outburts as 'gifts'. Gifts of emotion and memories to treasue. Wow...that is an elightening way to comtemplate emotional moments.

I'm including a picture we found recently. This must have been taken in 1993 when Alicia was just under 1 year old. In the picture is me holding Alicia, with my dad and my grandfather sitting next to him. At the time of this picture, my grandfather was late 80s. What struck me when I saw this picture is that of the 4 generations in the picture, only I am still around.

Day 98, 26Jun10

Two more days until it the century mark since Alicia's death AND 14 more days until what would have been her 18th birthday. These two milestones are very hard to accept. It does not feel as if it has been 100 days since March 20th. I have come to accept her death. I know I will never see her bound through the doors again with a "Hey Pops". My memories of her scent have started to fade. My memories of her as a person will never fade but also I will never know who she may have become.

All of this is surreal. There exists a hole in my heart and spirit which will never fully recover. She will always occupy those places without satisfaction.

The contents of Alicia's room is slowly shifting. Pictures are being re-arranged. Some of her stuff is being given to others who have requested specific mementos of her. But we still have not touched her mirror which details her thoughts on colleges; her bulletin board which still has a copy of her TEAM acceptance letter; her desk packed full in every drawer. I imagine slowly these will change over time.

The one thing in her room I really am avoiding right now is the grey box of ashes. We have a plan. We have agreement on arrangements but no schedule as of now. I do not think of these as what is left of Alicia anymore. I have degraded them in my mind to just ashes. This will probably make it easier to make the arrangements and schedule the scattering.

Day 94, 23Jun10

I found myself these past 2 days in NY remembering our Fall trip with her to NY. Alicia and Cathie visited to colleges which ended up making up her mind about them. The rest of the time, they discovered NY. We stayed at a wonderful apartment in the Flat Iron district ... 19th between 5 & 6th I think. We were there for 5 days. We reconnected with Andy and noshed at Gobo (great veggie place). Alicia was enthralled with visiting NY and was taking pictures for her photography class.

The memories and emotions of Alicia's death are peculating just under my skin. Trips like this last one to NY have brought out memories of her. And with these memories is a profound feeling of loss. Loss of such a beautiful spirit...my daughter... our Alicia. I am lapsing in meetings a little more frequently now. What used to be occasional lapses, I find myself thinking of Alicia and feeling my loss about once or twice per meeting. I imagine this is what it will be for a while. I sense I am Ok but just struggling emotionally. On a conscious level I have compartmentalized Alicia's death, but sub-consciously...maybe not as well as I had hoped.

I am also struggling to find our 'new normal' at home, with Cathie, with Jasmine, and our family. I used to have dinners togehter, but we are maybe sitting down once a week at best. I miss this ritual. This allowed us to get caught up with everyone and discuss the events.

Jasmine suffered a hairline fracture of her ankle on Monday night after volleyball. She was playing with her team on some play structure when her ankle was caught. Cathie was with the team as a chaperon and took her to the ER in Sacramento where xrays revealed the fracture. They placed a splint on her ankle and suggested she follow up with an orthopod when they returned from Sactowne. Bummer. This will really cramp her summer activities.

Day 92, 21Jun10

Again another 1st. This was my first father's day without Alicia. Father's day was never a big event for us but recently we started spending time with my dad as well. Last year we took him out for dinner with some of his friends which he enjoyed thoroughly. Jasmine called from her volleyball tourney to wish me a Happy F'day. Cathie and I went out for lunch at a new restaurant, Dish. We came home and worked on a muslin covering for our trellis over the patio.

I watch some of a soccer match in San Rafael between two Hispanic teams. It brought me back memories of Alicia's soccer teams and travelling to the away games with the team in tow. I really enjoyed all the trials and tribulations of the Purple Penguins, Green Giants, Panthers, then MFC. She really enjoyed the game under Jose and would have continued playing had he been her coach. The memories...

I am greatly appreciating the visits from Kristin, Madison, Jen, and Monica today. They stopped by at various times this evening to wish me a happy Father's day. They brought flowers and stayed a bit to talk. This was unexpected and very much appreciated.

So today had an especially empty feeling without my dad and Alicia. With Jasmine at an away volleyball tournament, today was very low key. I guess I had hoped for some special acknowledgement of F'day today. It would have have been nice. Don't get me wrong, I do feel appreciated for what I do.

Day 90, 19Jun10

I have watched the video clip of Alicia's Memorial probably about 10 times already. I am drawn in and I end up crying ... guarenteed. The memories and emotions come flooding back. I feel transported back in time to that day. One of these days, I will be able to watch the video without crying. But I suspect the sorry empty feeling with always be there. (BTW- I have put a link to the video in the 'FavLinks' section of this blog. It is also up on YouTube and my F'book)

Memory is a funny thing. I can still can hear Alicia in my head but I'm losing how she sounded like. So I found myself calling her cell phone number today. I wanted to hear her voice in an attempt to indelibly imprint her voice in my memory. Things are starting to slip from my head such as her scent. I guess this is enevitable...although hard.

I have gotten better at 'covering'. I can enagge in a conversation and without batting an eye acknowledge we have two kids and give just enough detail for Alicia to satisfy 90% of the conversations. There are times while at work that all my emotions and memories of Alicia and the memorial impact me. Sometimes these moments are not preceed by a trigger which make them harder. I have excused my self to go to the restroom during meetings to gather myself. This has happened a couple of times last week.

Some of Alicia's belongings are slowly being disseminated to her friends who have reqeusted them such as a special t-shirt, or a favorite jacket. We were asked to donate shoes to help people in other countries for which Cathie combed through Alicia's shoes and ended up donating most of them such as her 'holey' green keds, pink crocs etc. But sentimental shoes such as her high heels from Chirstmas we still have. I think she had seen these shoes in SF (Hayes Valley store) and had to have them. I found them on Endless.com. Pretty shoes. She wore them at least once outside the house. With these shoes, she towered over most folks. She was 5'8" without these 2" heels.

Alicia_Scott_Lee_Memorial_3-10.mov

OK. Here it is. Here is the video of Alicia's memorial service held on 27Mar10 at the Corte Madera Community Center. We will publish more clips as we are able to process them.

Day 85, 14Jun10

We survived the high school graduation season. We did not attend the Redwood HS ceremony which I felt could have been a bit drawn out with 400 some graduates. It was hard enough to sit with my emotions during the Tamiscal HS graduation. The garlands of paper cranes, the empty chair, and a tassel were a solemn reminders of Alicia's absence. This should have been a time of celebration and joy for us instead of sadness and remembrance. Alas...that was not meant to be.

The joys which we experience on this earth are such fleeting moments. We get caught up in ourselves and our busy schedules that we often neglect the joys of what is right before us. I still think back to the Thursday before she went out to T-vally, she and I 'belly-bumped' and laughed. It are these small moments which forever remind me of Alicia's essence. She had a lightness of spirit and sense of family which is a rare combination.

I am beginning to brace myself for Alicia's birthday, July 10th. Her first birthday since her death. Jasmine will be out of town in LA with family and friends. Cathie and I will left to our own devices and emotions. A friend once suggested we should consider a simple gesture, action, event, etc to mark the occasion such as a meal with her favorite food, her favorite hike or music. I think it is a great idea. I'd like to think of my hikes to T-valley as this but Cathie and Jasmine are not ready to return just yet. I feel it is a good thing to do. Something simple in remembrance.

Speaking with my therapist today, it flashed across my mind that Alicia will be forever frozen in time and space. While our family and her friends will continue to grow old, she will always exist as I last saw her, a limitless 17yo about to take wing on her own. I would have been thrilled to see how high and far she would have gone. My heart aches and my eyes tear with these thoughts.

God speed girl.

Day 80, 09Jun10

We survived the Tamsical HS graduation! The ceremony was tastefully understated. Alicia was mentioned in name twice. They had an vacant seat where she would have sat with a large bouquet of flowers and her tassel. They had more cranes draping the stage wall as well. So unless folks were clued in on these signs, they would not have noticed.

During the ceremony, I kept looking up at the trees waving in the wind looking for a sign that Alicia was there. I imagined that she was there looking down upon us and all of her classmates. Jeeze... that was hard. I cried several times through out the ceremony. Just seeing the open chair with a bouquet and the tassel sent me in a tailspin. I recalled my graduation and how I felt so on top of the world. Alas...Alicia never experienced this feeling.

The graduation was really hard on Cathie. She kept it under control during the ceremony, but when she was handed the bouquet afterwards, that did it. It all started to become undone. We will probably skip the Redwood HS graduation Thursday. While there are kids we'd like to see walk, it will probably be too much.

On Monday, I met a friend, Dave after work just to talk. Dave is also part of this 'club'. He is in his second year since his daughter died. She died pretty close to where Alicia died. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was nice just to be able to talk and not worry about any awkwardness. I hope we will continue to just talk when possible.

Day 78, 07Jun10

Graduation season is in full swing now. This week Alicia would have graduated from Tamiscal Highschool this week. We still plan to attend the graduation ceremony on Tuesday. TEAM plans to formally announce the 1st annual Alicia Scott Lee scholarship. On Thursday, Redwood Highschool Alicia attended part-time has they graduation ceremony. We will go to see a few of her friends matriculate.

Emotionally this will be a difficult week. Tamsical has given us their graduation t shirt which still has Alicia's name silk screened on it. Redwood will give us a yearbook with a tribute page. I guess time moves forward and life goes on. It's hard to even think about these events and how Alicia would have relished the emotions with her friends. How we would have been very very proud of her. Alas... this is not to be.

I am feeling guilty that I did not hike down to T-valley. This past weekend we were very busy with art shows, benefits, team party, and store openings. All things Alicia would have loved. Yet I did not make the time to get down there. I am questioning how can I continue to honor Alicia. Would she want me to continue to hike to T-valley or would she say "silly pops". I guess I am struggling to find my way to continue to connect with her.

I tried church for a little bit. The Unity church in Berekely is where we attended for a bit following Alicia's memorial. We connect with the Rev. Dr Keel. But we are not overly religious and attending feels OK not entirely comfortable. I had been thinking since my aunt's death of attending church so it seemed like a good idea. I will still probably attend on occasion.

I am having motivational issues with working out in the mornings still. Last week I tried doing email for an hour, going to the gym then coming home to get Jasmine off to school. I did OK with the early email routine. But I ended up going to the gym twice last week which is a 100% improvement for the previous week. I used to be able to bound out of bed at 4:20am then get out by 4:40am. Anymore, I get up and turn off the alarm before crawling back into bed. What is up with that? I have keep this routine up for about 2 years so why am I struggling now?

I've been working on an e-book with a collection of Alicia's essays and snap shots. I am struggling to find enough pictures which correlates with her essays. Like I found an essay she wrote about my mom's death which I had never seen before. We do not have a lot of digital pictures with them both. So I'm sorting through old photographs to find some relevant shots to scan. I am probably 75% finished with the 1st rough draft. There is still alot of work left but mostly it should be editing.

The YouTube video is also ready to go. I've held off at Cathie's suggestion until after graduation week. Hopefully by then, the other video snippets will also be ready for publishing. I have created a 'channel' on YouTube for Alicia. I send up signal flares when I release the video.

Day 76, 05Jun10

So far, this weekend has been fun. It has been our art weekend. We attended several wonderful events this weekend for various causes. But it got us thinking, why did we wait to participate in these events? We didn't we try to keep in touch with some friends that we do now? Shouldn't we have relished sharing all of these experiences with Alicia and Jasmine all along? I'd like to think Alicia is smiling upon us and saying 'about time'. Why now and not as much back then? Am I trying to fill our days to keep our minds busy to avoid thoughts of Alicia's death? Is it that I need to be around people right now to help me sort through my grief? There probably quite a bit of truth in the last statement. Dunno...dunno.

Friday evening, we attended a bday party in Redwood City. The bday boy and his band played for a couple of hours at a restaurant in downtown RWC. The party was a fund raiser for the RWC school district to whom we donated funds. It was a great idea and a fun way to raise funds. The bday boy is very talented. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves despite the food.

Saturday morning, We started off at the Bacon'fest which was a pancake and bacon benefit this morning in Ross for Marin Search and Rescue. We owe a great deal to Mike St John and the Marin SAR team during the search for Alicia. The SAR team mounted an intense and thorough search for her.

Glasshoff annual sculpture and art party (www.glashoffgallery.com). The Glasshoff's invite a plethora of local artists to show their art. There are always great bands, good food, adult and kiddie beverages. This year was no exception. The art was off the hook, crowds were large, the food tasty, the beverages quenching, and music was reminiscent of times gone past.

We have been to the Glasshoff event for the past 3-4 years. Alicia liked looking at the art while Jasmine begrudgingly attended. I recall last year, there was a gentlemen who had a real live male baboon. He had worked for years at Marine World previously. It was amazing to see a baboon up close. They also have other exotic animals such as zebras and yaks on the farm.

This year, we invited Jen, Alicia's best friend, with us. As usual, today was a warm (80F) with bright sunshine. Jasmine and Jen seemed to have had a decent time by themselves. Although clearly they were ready to go within an hour and a half.

This evening, we were invited to an art show called Portraits from a Darkroom by Mike Garlington at the Boomerang gallery within the HeeBe JeeBe store in Petaluma. It was fun to see his exhibit and a dear friend Drew this evening. The show was a bit dark, and it was shot in black and white. It artist added dark whimsical elements to his photographs. The store is a great find in Petamula with irreverent toys and nick-knacks. I definitely bought a few things which I can not wait to open.

Sunday should be a good day to kick back and get some chores done around our house.

Day 74, 03Jun10

What is my new normal? What does 'ok' feel like any more? I do not expect that I will ever get back to these states as before Alicia's death. There will always be a hole, a missing piece where Alicia once stood. So I must re-establish my 'normal', my 'ok'. I suspect without Alicia, my joys will always be a bit less, my emotional highs will be a little bit lower, but I must guard against my 'lows' being even deeper and my darkness enveloping me. Over time, these may begin to feel 'normal' or 'ok' to me. Am I settling? Am I not pushing myself enough?

I've gotten pretty good at 'covering'. Good enough to function at work, to socialize with friends. I realize that my 'cover' is only a thin veneer. If you scratch just a little, you'll find my raw emotions. Is this a good thing? Am I processing my grief? Or am I just forgetting about my emotions? I have noticed that with each conversation, my veneer become just a little bit thicker. My emotions are running just a bit deeper. Thus I appear to be together, but I am still hanging on for now.

Cathie and I met a friend who works at Pixar for lunch and toured their facility. Wow! What an impressive organization even after Steve Jobs left. The benefits they offer their employees to keep their creative juices going is amazing. Pixar reminds me of old Genentech on steriods. I love seeing life size statues and charactures of their movie characters such as Sully and Mike from Monsters Inc, Nemo and Dorey from Finding Nemo, a Lego Buzz Lightyear and Woody from Toy Story 3. My friend was the main editor on Toy Story 2 and 3. What a trip. He explained what he does and the whole movie making process at Pixar. Fascinating.

Alicia would have been ecstatic today. She had such an exuberance for silly movies such as these. We both loved animation and especially the Pixar shorts like Geri's game, Bounder etc. I felt sad when I arrived in the lobby looking at all the amazing things around us. I felt sad because Alicia was not here to enjoy it with us. I hope she is looking down right now and enjoying what we got to see today.

Day72, 01Jun10

Painful & slowly the circle of life turns. As it circumnavigates it's predefined pathway, we move by life, death, love, happiness, despair, depression and all the emotions and milestones of life. It feels as if our circle is ever slowly moving. Trying to recycle back to birth or creation. Leaving the cold icy grip of death.

Well we had a visit from our friendly (NOT!) raccoon again. Around mid-night, the raccoon was able to reach inside the cage and mangle the right wing of one of our new birds. We were able to scare it away and move them inside. The new bird's right wing was really mangled but she was able to survive. So this morning, I bought much smaller vinyl covered mesh. Jasmine and I installed the new mesh inside the old bigger mesh. We also set the cage on new concrete post supports to get it further off the ground.

The big thing was how Jasmine came home from a sleep over and decided to help install the new mesh and clean out the cage. I asked her to help clean out the cage, but she also helped with sizing and installing the mesh. This took about 3 hours to do and it was probably about 78F with no breeze. We talked and worked together. It was a great project. She even skipped a block party invitation to help finish up with the concrete post supports.

I am heartened that we were able to just talk during this project. Again... the circle is slowly turning.

I'm really excited. We are 1 day away from posting the 1st segment of Alicia's memorial service video on YouTube. When it is ready, I'll post the link (URL) to share. The video is 10 minutes long and was lovingly edits by a very good friend, Rick. He was gracious with his talents and time to help with this video and subsequent ones.

Day 70, 30May10

Well... today was my father's birthday. Happy Birthday Dad. Say "Hi' to Alicia for me.

He would have been 86 today. He had an amazing life and specifically an adventure leaving China during the communist revolution. In combing through his documents, I found several scraps of paper in Chinese dating back to April 1951 with the story of his adventurous trip to the United States. He also recorded his story which I'll have to have someone transcribe for us. I'll write more about his journey later.

Cathie reminded me that life truly is a circle with death just being a portion of the circle. For us right now, we seem to be stuck in this phase. We can not seem to be able to escape where we are right now. We found a picture of four generations of the Lee family with my grandfather, my dad, me, and Alicia. It struck us when we found it, that everyone in the picture is now dead except foe me. I suspect we'll continue to find things like this over time.

On Saturday morning at 2am, a fat raccoon killed Raja and Sultan (2 of the 3 newest chickens). I forgot to put them away this evening after dinner with friends. I did not even think about it when I came home. They were in their home but the raccoon entered and killed em. Jacasta and Jafar escaped. I hear some chicken noise at 2am. I threw on some clothes and ran out with Cathie. The fat raccoon was in the tree about 5 feet away from the bird cage. It just hung in the tree. I grabbed a flash light to keep it trained on the 'coon which Cathie grabbed a garden rake. The raccoon retreated a few feet on the fence after we started advancing on the tree. Cathie found the two in the cage dead. She found Jacasta in the back door alive and later found Jafar hiding in the garden. We kept the birds in the house until the next morning to foil the return of the raccoon. I cleaned up the cage and locked it up tight for the rest of the night/morning.

Also a spouse of someone at work died unexpectedly last week. I was asked to connect with this person and get a sense if she needed anything. I suggested to them a few options/ideas. It took more than a few moments to prepare myself for this conversation. It is never easy to speak with someone in this situation. I had to put myself in a place where I would be able to detach a bit from my emotions. This is not where I have even been close to recently. I am glad I was able to help this person with some ideas and things we did but it was not easy.

I walked down to Tennessee Valley this morning. It has been over 3 weeks since I last hiked down to the bunker. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day today. When I arrived at the bunker, the program and cranes were gone. I peered into the structure and could not find the mini-volleyball and letters. There were a couple of cranes left and the candle. All the rest were gone. I'm glad I was prepared with another program and a few cranes. I was able to rescue these items on the bunker itself. I guess I was not totally surprised. Time moves on and as such, I would venture to guess the Park Rangers 'cleaned up' the bunker. I suspect the items could grossly be considered graffiti or minimally refuse.

Day 66, 26May10

Today Jasmine and I went out for dinner. We saw some girls Alicia used to play soccer with from MarinFC at the restaurant. They were out with their high school team probably celebrating the end of their season. Seeing them brought back memories of when Alicia played with MarinFC with their Red Team. This was a good group of girls with varying soccer skills but a lot of heart. Alicia loved playing soccer but really struggled with MFC's style of soccer.

The girls saw me but did not make eye contact. Since they were with their team, I did not want to intrude and say hello. I felt it would have been an awkward moment.

Alicia learned her soccer skills playing with a coach from El Salvadore who loved the ball control Brazilian style of play. 'Short passes'. She developed good ball handling skills and had a knack to be in the right place at the right time. She loved playing for Jose and he respected her. It was tough when we disbanded the Panthers in her 8th grade year. But we were in Marin and we barely had enough players to put a team on the field. So it was the best decision at the time.

I'm not sure the pain of Alicia's death will diminish. I am beginning to suspect it will always be there. Its just a matter of it dominating my emotions or senses. I do feel guilty that I somehow am able to function. I am able to go to work, concentrate, and accomplish what I absolutely need to do. I have pictures of Alicia and a crane on my desk. I am reminded of her and relish seeing the pictures. But in the pit of my stomach, I know she is dead and I will only see her in my dreams. I'm glad one of my last times with Alicia was a silly moment when we 'belly bumped' in the office prior heading of to bed. She was such a silly and light person.

As much as I struggle, I struggle the same communicating with Jasmine. Alicia played an intermediary role between Jasmine and us. Now I am struggling to relate to Jasmine. She is a lot more social. She buries herself in TV shows on the internet and with friends. She has streaks of talent which at times burst out of her which is amazing to see. But most of the time, that streak is pent up within her. She riles against suggestions to paint... learn music... that we offer up. I hope that she keeps up with vball as a physical outlet. She seems to enjoy playing although at times, she is resentful of how practices impinge upon her social life.