Yr 1 Day 7, 27Mar11

Last week I attended the formal commercial launch of our new drug. This was the 3rd time that I had worked on a successful product (one with Genentech and one with Inhale). Product launches mark high points in people's careers in development. This one was bitter sweet for me. I always loved sharing with her some of the technical portions of my work. I recall when she was working as an intern at UCSF. She was so jazzed to be running some gels. We'd sit and talk about what she was doing. Her eyes would light up just thinking about it. She absolutely loved her time at UCSF.

Art... it just has a way to finding it's way into our lives. Since Alicia's death we have been given and gathered some lovely pieces. This past weekend, we were struck by wire sculptures crafted by Sunila Baraj (see picture). The piece was created with wire from window screens. Wow. There are several more pieces in the collection but this one was special. Separately it reached out to Cathie and me.

We received several lovely notes and flowers last week. Thank you to all. It is comforting to know Alicia will live forever in our memories. I feel the hardest part for me is now past and the memories still remain. The metamorphosis of our lives will continue while we struggle to keep parts of Alicia still within our us. Her playfulness ... her zest for new experiences... her off kilter sense of humor... and of course her love of Disney movies.

Yr 1 Day 3, 23Mar11

Looks like we're doing OK. We've past the anniversary of Alicia's death. No more "Year of Firsts". We're on to the year of 2nds.

While I was driving last week, I accidentally called Alicia's old cell phone. I reached her voicemail. I was startled and momentarily incapacitated...frozen. Where was I? What day was it? Then I felt sad...very sad. I had to pull over for a little bit to recompose myself. I was leaving downtown Oakland at night. Probably not the best place to pull over, but I needed it. I have kept her cell phone active to this day. She still receives text messages and voice mails once in a while. I do not have the fortitude to read or listen to them. I still as if I am invading her privacy. Funny I am. But it just feels right.

Day 365, 20Mar11

Today last year was utterly a surreal day of which I will never forget. The morning was non-descript with Cathie going to work out at the club. Jasmine and I staying at home. At around 10:30 or so, I received 'The Call'. At first, it was Alicia's friend calling if Alicia had come home from the night before. I stated no but she was supposed to work at Planet Granite this morning anyway. A few minutes later, Alicia's friend called back stating s/he was in Montana and not be be alarmed, but Alicia was missing. She had spent the night out at Tennessee Valley with friends and was not there although her car was still in the lot. Planet Granite confirmed that she was not there.

My mind went racing. I could feel my heart rate racing. Jasmine and I ran out the door to meet the kids near T-vally. We left Cathie messages to come to T-valley. I followed them to the lot. Alicia's best friend was already there with the rest of the camp-out kids. Marin Search and Rescue had just been called. A spoke to a Park Ranger about what they knew at that time. Cathie then arrived and spoke to all the kids.

The rest of the day was all about the 'Search'. I guess the term is 'hasty' search. MSAR began asseemblying quickly. There were folks on horses, dogs & handlers, walkers, ATVs, planes, helicopters, boats, and sea-doos. The search started around 3pm and went until dark. We were asked to stay in the stables area to allow the search teams to do their thing. Some of Alicia's friends fanned out to hand out flyers to the day hikers in the area.

Before nightfall, Cathie and I were taken to the spot they last think Alicia was so that we could see the terrain and talk about next steps. They continued the search until well after dark. I stayed and spoke to the searchers after their de-brief. I also personally thanked everyone who helped with the search.

I returned home around 10pm or so. That night was the longest of my lifetime. Every minute that passed was a minute that I wanted and needed to be out there seaarching for her. Cathie and I woke early and headed out to TValley again. Cathie joined a dog tracking crew. I stayed behind at the stables. Later around 1pm, I walked down to the bunker with a couple of friends. At 2pm or so, they came to pick us up and took us back to the stables. Jim and I were seated at the picnic table in the back when they came. Jasmine was out front walking around. That is when the MSAR leader relayed they believe they found Alicia in the water at Muir Beach. Jasmine came around the corner. I got up and told her the news. We cried together. Cathie came within minutes. We all cried together.

Our world had changed. Forever.

Day 364, 19Mar11

It was almost exactly to this hour 1 year ago. The last time I saw Alicia alive. She came home quickly with a friend before heading out. She was supposed to meet her best friend and stay out for the night. She was bubbly as usual. I think she came back from climbing at Planet Granite that Friday evening. I was watching a movie. She came in with her usual "Hi pops". She introduced me to her friend then went into her room. She came back out then they left.

She went to the bunker at Tennessee Valley with friends on a night without any moon light so they could see the stars more clearly. She was crazy high up above the bunker on the cliff line.

To this day, I regret that evening. The lackadaisical exchange. I didn't even try to slow her down even for a moment to chill. The things I took for granted... especially that evening haunt me still. The things not said... the 'belly bumps' not accepted... the hugs never to come again. Why is that? Why do I allow these things to slip by?

As I have said many times on this blog, it feels like just yesterday. The pain is still raw. I have gotten pretty good controlling it. But when I speak about her and her death, I lose it. Just last week someone at work asked about how we were doing, it caught me by surprise. I had to gather myself but even then, my eyes teared. I suspect this will be the way it will always be.

One of Alicia's friends dropped off a bouquet of flowers today. I was driving back from Tahoe and was not home. When I drove up and saw it, I was taken aback. Someone remembered.

To all...thanks for remembering Alicia. She will always be a part of us...forever.

Love you! Take care of g'pop, my mom, and ree-ni.

Day 358, 13Mar11

We're getting closer... 7 days and counting.

I found this picture of her from KBDS 8thgrade year volleyball. I was not able to attend hardly any of her volleyball matches at KDBS, but this one I did attend. I remember they were leading my a hefty margin so Ms Guererro told her to jump serve which they had not practiced. The first time she mis-tossed the ball up tried to hit it anyway...net. Her time service, she tried again (see picture). She tossed the ball behind her a bit but she was able to hit it over the net. She was laughing so hard she could hardly stay focused on the play.

I was sorting through some of my dad's files today when I ran across some Birthday cards my dad had saved. I found one from 2008 which I remember clearly... an elephant sitting in a convertible VW Beetle. In the card, Alicia had signed it. It caught me by surprise and I stopped. Memories of her came flooding through. 'All' (not nearly enough) the birthday/holiday cards I 'made' the girls sign over the years. How my dad would dote over Alicia when she was little. The times Alicia spent with dad paying his bills and organizing his papers. The moment I had to tell him Alicia had died. His outburst... uncontrollable crying...then passing out. I stood there, immobilized by these memories and emotions.

When will this get easier? When will I be able to look at her things be it art, pictures, or clothing and smile warmly on the inside instead of tearing up?

Day 353, 08Mar11

Alicia loved playing sports. She was a good athlete. Dedicated. Hard working and a consummate team player.

At first, she played soccer on a team coached by Brett, Tony, and I even helped out. This would have been 2nd grade, about 1999. The team was called the Purple Penguins. She continued to play for 8 years on progressively competitive teams. During the mix of teams, I started and managed a team called the Panthers. She continued to play in HS for MarinFC but not for her HS team.

During her 7th and 8thgrade years at KDBS, Alicia started playing volleyball. She instantly took to volleyball. She played volleyball through her junior year in HS. She also played club volleyball with Marin Juniors and Absolute Volleyball Club. She had a knack for volleyball. For a few seasons, she played middle even at 5'8".

During her KDBS years, she also played badminton recreationaly. She was pretty good and fast. She continued to play against us in our front yard during her Sophomore year.

Day 350, 05Mar11

One of my fondest memories was when I coached A YMCA youth basketball team with Brett & Tony that had Alicia, Alysse, Allison, Lisby. Lizzy, and a few others. This must have been 2 or 3rd grade. Alicia was one of the shortest girls on the team but she made up for it with tenacity. Brett was a HS BB coach to off set Tony and my lack of experience. I remember having a ball working with the girls trying to teach them how to run 'the weave'. What an experience... The team played well that year. They were aggressive on the court and always played hard.

The photo above was taken that year. Alicia is standing next to Allison. I tried to get involved when it came to sports and the girls. These were some of the best times I shared with both kids.

Day 346, 01Mar11

OK...enough with the melancholy memories! The morning of the day Alicia was born, started off as normal day. Except Cathie told me her water had broken over night but she felt no contractions thus she went back to sleep. When she told me, we talked about what should we do since she was not feeling anything. We settled on 'better safe than sorry' so we headed into the hospital.

Everything moved very quickly when we arrived. It progressed so rapidly that they did not have time to set in an epidural even though she wanted it. This was gonna be au naturale. Once her contractions started, Alicia arrived 90 minutes later.

When they placed Alicia on Cathie right after birth, they asked for her name. Cathie and I had a short list of names, but instead Cathie said Alicia. I was surprised, so I asked her how she wanted to spell it. I ended up spelling the name as I recall a HS friend had spelled it. Kinda cool...almost a palindrome.