Year 1, 15Jan12

I did something over the holidays I thought I would never do. When asked about how many children did we have, I said 'one'. Immediately, I sensed it was wrong but I did not correct myself. I felt it would have been more awkward correcting myself at the time. What would have been awkward is this occurred at our company holiday party and I was speaking with the head of western regional sales and his wife. This has been on my mind since it occurred. Why did I do it? Should the situation have played into my thinking? Later that evening, Cathie emphatically and poignantly asked me why it did it. I have tried to stay true to myself and Alicia but for some reason, I let this slip. At all other times, I have stated we 'had' two children with one still with us. Then when asked, I would explain Alicia had died. I have tried to speak with him to clear my conscious, but he has not been in the office when I have walked by.

Year 1, 02Jan12

The 2011 Holidays are now behind us. This has been the holiday season that almost wasn't. The calendar told me it was Christmas and New Years. Friends spoke to holiday shopping and parties. Yet, it felt as if we were like automatons programmed to go through the motions. Yes, we bought went shopping. We bought gifts for each other. We attended my company holiday party. We hung 4 stockings and hung icicle lights on the house eves. We even baked our traditional holiday banana breads for gifts. But it was hallow. Just under the surface was a void of the holiday spirit. A coldness just under a thin veneer. At times, it surfaced. While we did buy a tree, we only got so far as hanging lights. In one creative burst, Cathie created circular cutouts from an old Chinese book, strung them together with red string, and draped the tree. Our usual ornaments did not sparkle as they would had they been allowed to grace our tree. We did not send out holiday cards, emails, or family updates. We were barely here. As meekly as this holiday season came upon us, it has ebbed away. What lights had been strung are now in their storage boxes. The stockings carefully put away. I hope this is not the way our holidays will continue and 2011 was abhorration. Yet I am reminded, we are still groping to find our new 'normal'.