Day 224, 30Oct10

Yesterday we received FDA approval for our new antibiotic, Teflaro to treat the "Superbug" MRSA. This is the 3rd time I have been involved ina successful drug development program. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity. There are folks in the industry who go their entire career without an approval and I have now been involved in 3. Cool.

It would have been nice to share this with Alicia. I have been working on this product for the past 5 years. I have flown the world over for this product which Alicia felt contributed to my be absent from her life.

Last night, Cathie and I had dinner with a good friend who edited the videos from Alicia's memorial and posted them on You Tube. We had a wonderful time. We covered the waterfront of topics which included Alicia. I teared up twice during the conversation. Once when we talked about Alicia and once when we talked about the people whic died this year. It has been a very rough year. I can hardly wait to get out of 2010.

All of these emotions are just under my skin ready to explode when there is an opportunity. I imagine it will be this way for a while. I need accept these moments as a 'gift of memory'.

Day 217, 23Oct10

I spent 4 days this week in NY. We drove by the apartment I had rented almost 1 year ago when Alicia wanted to check out colleges in Boston and NJ. As we drove by on the way to JFK, I recalled that week Cathie and Alicia came along. The apartment was great and the girls had a fun visit. For the most part, it was a pleasurable memory.

But during the flight home, I was crammed into a window seat in coach. When we were within 60 mins of landing, the memory of telling my dad that Alicia had died on that Sunday resurfaced. He kept saying how it should have been him instead of her. I clearly recall the strained tone of his voice, his crying and anguish. He passed out within 5 mins of the news. It was too much stress in his weak state. I could not get up, so I sat there and just cried by myself. I looked out the window and wondered if she was with me or at least looking down at me. What would she say? Maybe a one of her usual "Silly pops".

In the end, he was able to see Alicia before we will be able to see her again. For that, I am very sad.

Day 210, 16Oct10

How am I holding myself together? That is a question I often reflect upon. Is it that I was raised on a farm in central IL as the only Asian family for more than 50 sq miles? Thus I had to be more resilient? Or maybe the way we were raised to control our emotions or risk being seen as weak.

I have come to recognize that I have a thin veneer which covers my emotional turmoil. The slightest scratch of the surface, then boom. Here it all comes. The tears, the memories... everything. It feels as if Alicia died just yesterday when this happens. My emotions are frayed and mind racing. I do not think this will change for me for a very long time if not forever.

Today when Jasmine and I were meeting with the family therapist, he asked how many times I had thought about Alicia this week. Just by him asking that question, I teared up. As I recalled a few of the instances this week, the tears kept coming. I diverted my mind to get my mind and tears under control.

Day 204, 10Oct10

We had our first family therapy appointment yesterday. For me, it was a first uncomfortable but became less so. I am glad we are making an effort to have all three of us together. There are things we used to do as a family before Alicia died that we have not done since. I'm not entirely sure this is purposeful, but it is fact. We used to play game together such as "Apples to Apples" or "Scrabble". We used to have regular dinners together which have decreased in frequency. Why? Is there something we are avoiding? Memories? We'll give it a go with the therapist for a while. Jasmine seems to be handling her emotions around Alicia well. But an area which needs attention is Cathie's mother/daughter relationship with Jasmine.

This is going to be a year of 1sts. We will have to endure the holidays without Alicia. We have a vacation planned for the 3 of us to Hawaii. These have the potential of being emotionally difficult for me, especially the holidays. We have a tradition during the holidays to bake banana breads to give as gifts. The two girls would help me and we crank out over 20 mini-loaves in 1-2days. I used to look forward to this. Now...I'm unsure both for myself and Jasmine.

Day 197, 03Oct10

Normal. According to Merriam-Webster, one of the many definitions is... "conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern". Where we are, 'normal' is an elusive theoretical construct. Are we deluding ourselves thinking we can achieve a sense of 'normalcy'? More than 6 months since Alicia's death, we are still struggling if we can redfine 'normal' for us.

Just the other day, someone asked if things are getting back to normal. The question struck me as one which I can give a nonchalant or more serious answer. In that instance, I opted for the less intense answer of "we're trying". But in reality, we are not living a normal life. The thought of Ward and June Cleaver we are not. We will always struggle with Alicia's death.

To this day we feel the familiar pangs of grief with various thoughts and memories. On Friday we met with a therapist in preparation for our 1st all family session next weekend. He asked how did Jasmine find out about Alicia being missing and her death. As I was relaying the events, I became overrun with emotions. I found myself struggling even with this simple question. Up to now, no one had asked me to recite the events of that weekend. I sense that recalling new memories, I struggle. If I had previously described it, I am better keeping myself together. I guess there is something to the old addage ... practice makes perfect.