Day 345, 28Feb11

We're within 20 days of the 1st anniversary of Alicia's death. In honor of where we are today, I will share some of my memories of her for the next few posts.

About this time last year, I remember when Alicia began receiving her college acceptance letters. Prior to March 20th, she had been accepted first at Willamette, Colorado College, and Cal State San Luis Obispo. Of those three, she was the most excited with Colorado College. She had visited with Cathie and fell in love with their 'block program'. This fit perfectly with her periods of intense study followed by taking a break. She loved the idea of taking time abroad and discovered Colorado College had study abroad blocks built into their program. Wow. She was elated. Coupled with the ability to hike and camp in the Rockies, she was in heaven.

Reality of the tuition at Colorado College cam crashing down on her utopia. Of the 3 schools, this was by far the most expensive. She began trying to find scholarships to lessen the burden. She struggled. I struggled even more. Here she was with a 4.02 GPA. An athlete, avid rock climber, and outdoor enthusiast. She worked and studied her butt off and she got into her dream school... and I could not afford it. Ugh! It tore my heart out to see her struggle with something she had no control over. I felt as if I had failed her. Sue she could and probably would have gone to Willamette. But it would have been a settle.

Alas... it was not to be.

Day 338, 21Feb11

This has been an interesting few days. I think Cathie found this picture from May'02 of the girls and I in an old fashion photo booth. When I first saw the picture on the dresser, I was struck. I stumbled about a bit and had to get a hold of myself. I felt as if I had just struck by something unexpectedly. Alicia would have been 9 yo and Jasmine 4 yo. Life was so much emotionally simpler back then even though my mom had still died before.

I have been watching Grey's Anatomy on our Netflix account and a few other movies. I must have seen at least 2 various intpretations of heaven or at least the step in-between both places. In the Grey's Anatomy version (Season 3), the principle is met by two people who had preceded them in death to help explain and ease the transition. In this particular story, they principle character was forced to return to life because it was not her time thus she did not belong.

What was interesting was the people who had died still felts links to those living who were close to them. Like a cool breeze was one walks down a hallway that gives you a calm feeling that person is there. When I watched that episode it reminded of many times when I thought I felt Alicia's presence while just going about life. In my head I hear her saying 'silly pops' in her mocking voice. I immediately snap out of my thoughts. I likened this to a scene in City of Angels when an angel touches a person to help guide them.

At dinner last night in SF, I ran into an old friend whose daughter went to school with Alicia. They had been good friends and played some soccer together. I was leaving Picaro as they walked in. Her daughter and her friend were all together. I was struck as to how mature she she had become. I have not seen them both since Alicia's memorial last March. Wow. Life is certainly moving on yet I feel part of me is stuck. Stuck in March of last year. Stuck. Emotionally stuck.

We're just less than 1 month away from the 1st anniversary.

Day 327, 10Feb11

Last night I attended a private retirment celebration at the Kalpan Penthouse in the Rose Building in the Lincoln Center NY city. This was a beautiful reception and dinner with wonderfully catered meal. Attending were people selected by the guest of honor to celebrate his retirement.

During the evening, a Tony award winning performer regaled us with several Broadway songs. In her set, she performed several Disney songs inclusing one from Aladdan. I was overcome with emotion as I recalled Alicia's love of the animated Disney movies. She was silly in her all out love of Aladdan, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, etc. Her love of these movies mirrored my own. I have not been able to watch any of these movies since she died. I have often considered just doing it, but I was not sure if I could make it through the entire movie.

Cathie reminded me we are closing in on the 1 year mark of Alicia's death. We will be in Tahoe with a very close family friend for teh weekend. It is also my brother's bday for which I will need to figure out a plan. We have not discussed if and how we want to mark the anniversary. I can not beleive it has been almost 1 year. Her friends have moved on with their lives as they should. We are lucky that a few have chosen to stay a part of our family. For that I am eternally grateful. It is hard to watch a gaggle of college kids without thinking about Alicia wondering how things would have turned out differently. Yes... I know. The unanswerable questions still arise. At least somewhat less frequently now.