Dat 285, 30Dec10

Well, this is likely my last post of 2010. I can not say I am disappointed that 2010 draws to a close. I am grateful for everyone's support which enabled me and the family to cope with Alicia's, my dad's, and aunt's death. I can not say I am a stronger person from the experience, but I can appreciate the depths of emotions.

These holidays have been weird. I have taken the last 2 weeks off of work. Yet most of the time has been spent apart. When we are together, the 'holiday cheer' is at most thin veneer and most of the time not even present. I am going through the traditional holiday motions of buying gifts, decorating the tree, listening to holiday music, baking breads, dropping of gifts etc but with little internal cheer. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoying giving, but the emotions are quite a bit duller. I have read and been told that this is 'normal' and over time, things will improve.

I was filling out the 2011 family calendar we buy every year. This is a calendar which has up to five columns for people. I began filling it in, but caught myself before I wrote Alicia's name. I readjusted myself, then wrote Jasmine's name leaving two empty columns. I marked the birthdays and vacations. I want to mark March 20th, and July 10th but could not find a subtle way to doing so. These are dates that will be with me forever.

I decided to get a tattoo in remembrance. I had been thinking of a tattoo for a few years but could not decide on a design. Cathie had a feather tattoo on her hand (webbing between thumb and forefinger) in Aug/Sep of this year. With my extra time during the holidays, it struck me that I would like an angel. So I began searching on line and found quite a few designs. Most were on people's backs. This made sense to me in that when it is my time, Alicia will be there to show me the way. I searched the net for different designs and found the design above on a great website for tattoo designs (www.tattoojohnny.com). I went to our local tattoo parlor, Spider Murphy's (www.spidermurphys.com) and made an appt. Heather Bailey was did a great job in about an hour.

So with my new tattoo, I look forward to 2011.

Day280, 25Dec10 (Christmas Day)

Here is our family letter for this year...

2010

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~ from a headstone in Ireland

Cathie, Jasmine, and I would like to thank you and all of our dear friends who helped us emotionally, physically, and mentally survive the events of the past year. Through friendships such as ours, we have managed to the next day… then the next… and so on. We continue to struggle to find a new balance in our lives while cherishing the memories of my aunt, Eleanor Jue (Feburary 3rd), our daughter, Alicia Lee (March 20th), my father, Robine Lee (May 4th).

During these times of world wide political strife, an excellent balanced education is vital for the generations to come. Yet time and time again, public education funding is being slashed. Art, music, outdoor programs, and teacher’s aides are disappearing. In that spirit, we ask that everyone consider a tax-deductible donation to the scholarship fund we have established in Alicia’s name for the TEAM program via the Tamalpais High School District. Donations can me sent to:

Alicia Lee Scholarship Fund
C/O Tamalpais Union High School District
Attention TEAM Program
PO Box 605
Larkspur, CA 94977
Tax ID # 68-0194361

Day 274, 19Dec10

No matter what I do, listen to, eat, drink or watch, I can not get into the holiday spirit. The lights are up. The house is decorated. The stockings have been hung. The banana breads have been baked. Yet, I can not get into the spirit. After a visit to the gym this AM, I went into SF and walked around Chestnut street with the intention of gift buying. I ambled down Chestnut, then Scott, back to Fillmore, then back. I watched shoppers walking around with arms full of shopping bags, pushing strollers, negotiating with their kids as to where next. I found my self watching and wishing, but not inspired.

I walked by the Squat and Gobble which was Alicia's fav restaurant. I had never been. It was packed with holiday shoppers today. I briefly glanced at the menu. Nothing really special. I am still curious what was it that drew Alicia to it. I will try to eat there soon.

I am an inspirational shopper. But with Jasmine skiing in CO and Cathie tied up, I am not able to self motivate. I used to love this time of year. Buying gifts, window shopping with the girls. Alas, I find myself feeling being on the outside looking in on folks who are into the spirit.

I feel as if I should probably start seeing a therapist again. The veneer I wear at work is still thick enough. I am taking the next 2 weeks off, but I have nothing planned at home. I have found too much time by my self is not a good thing. I acutely feel the absence of Alicia. I wish will all of my heart and soul you still feel my love.

Day 267, 12Dec10

I continue to be amazed with the life of Elizabeth Edwards who had lost a son, Wade at the age of 16. In her recent book, 'Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities' she shares how she managed through her tragedy. I find inspiration in her descriptions of her emotions, and thoughts on God and life. She was a strong women and should be an inspiration for us all.

I found a lot of similarities with her thoughts/emotions with my own. With that, I guess I find comfort and inspiration. We are still within 12 months of Alicia's death, where as she was 14 years beyond. Her descriptions of her emotional and family's evolution are bittersweet and heartfelt.


With the holidays upon us, I am truly struggling. I used to look forward towards decorating a tree, putting up the house icicle lights, hanging the stockings, baking banana breads, and holiday shopping with the girls. It is now all different. Alicia used to be the first to help. Jasmine and Cathie would join in after Alicia and I had started. This year, I feel as if these activities have fallen upon me mostly due to circumstances and timing (eg trainings, parties). Even holiday music has not gained a foothold in our house this year.

I hung 4 stockings as I usually do. I thought about it as I was hanging them. For me, Alicia's stocking has another meaning. This is a stocking that my mom crocheted for me when I was little. I was happy that Alicia like using that stocking a few years back as a memory of my mother.

This weekend was my banana bread baking weekend. I bake breads for the holidays as gifts. Usually Alicia and Jasmine would help and we'd knock it out in a weekend. This year, Jasmine had other plans, Thus I still baked the breads. I find cooking a joy but baking without the girls was heart wrenching. Too much time for me to reminisce.

Day 262, 07Dec10

Terrible news. The passing of Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of once a presidential candidate John Edwards from North Carolina. I read an article about her on Yahoo (
I was touched deeply by the story of her strength and courage in dealing with the death of her son at 16yo, the diagnosis of breast cancer, the news of her ex-husband's philandering, and the recurrence of her cancer. My gosh that lady endured so many hard emotional events and never lost her grace.

I can relate to what the article relays about dealing with her son's death. I too find myself with small things, songs, smells, sounds, triggering memories of Alicia. It happens in various places. I rarely can see it coming before it hits me. WAP... broadsided by my emotions. These memories often start out pleasantly until I recall she died. Then it all goes into the toilet.

This week begins the Holiday parties. The Marin Search and Rescue party begins our season. Cathie has relayed that they will plan to speak about several of their searches this year which includes the search for Alicia. Then they plan to 'reveal' the 'white elephant' which is Cathie is now part of their organization. I've thought about this and know I will have a hard time emotionally during that portion. I suspect I will emotionally relive those memories. I know I will cry. But I also want to be there for Cathie. She has given me a pass if I want to not attend. I will be there for her.

I need to get better controlling my emotions at events as such. This will not be the last time I will attend an event during which Alicia will be mentioned. Part of me feels as if I am honoring her memory with each tear I shed. Over time, these tears may become precious.