Year1, 04Nov11

As we hurtle headlong towards our second holiday season without Alicia, I am finding myself losing little memory bits of her such as her scent. Memory is such a fickle thing. I will never forget Alicia as she will always be a part of me, & our family. Yet memories will slip away like leaves from a tree. Slowly... but steadily until we are left with the essence of who she is. I want to forestall this slow erosion. How? Maybe I should spend a day in remembrance of Alicia..who she was...what she believed in....etc. To this day, I still feel the urge to cry when I speak of her. Last week I was chatting with a new employee who played semi-pro soccer as a left mid-fielder and I recalled memories of Alicia paying with the MYSL Panthers in that same position. When asked is she playing today that unfortunately she is not and that she had died. I felt my eyes fill with tears but I did not want this person to feel uncomfortable so I choked back what I could and let the few tears run their course. To turn 'on & off' these emotions is probably unrealistic but I need to be cautious with the surroundings. During a TEAM car wash last week, I met a Burke's alumni parent who now has a kid in TEAM and lives in Corte Madera. She reminded me that if it not for Alicia, she would have never heard of the TEAM program. She also thanked me again for helping her with the paperwork and logistics when starting up a select soccer team with Jose Caballero for her kid. I felt touched that she would remember that since it would have been over 8 years ago. I guess that demonstrates that we all leave impressions behind.

Year 1, 26Sep11

Another birthday has come and gone for me. Quiet. Unassuming. I was attending a two-day meeting in Delaware with a commercial partner. I had dinner that evening just outsider of Philly with a colleague and a consultant we are using. No fanfare. No hoopla. Friends kicked down on the 'book all day. It felt kinda nice. When I returned home later that week, Cathie and Jasmine gave me 'The Face' before heading out on a 3 night Mother/Daughter camping trip with a couple of Jasmine's friends. Home...alone. No fanfare. No hoopla. No cake or ice cream. Just me. Don't get me wrong, I love 'The Face'. Cathie and I saw this artist about 1 year ago at a ceramics art expo in SF. She made several creations of similar nature. Some were rabbit faces...1 was this one. By the time I went back to purchase 'The Face', it had been sold. There is something about it, the determined look, the goggles, something which still draws me. It has dovetails nicely with a book I have been reading called The Host by Stephanie Meyer. I guess she is the creator of the Twilight vampire series. The main character in this book shares the body with another conscious form the previous person. Kinda like two people within the same brain. Sharing yet separate. Feeling yet detached. It's a good story and I'd suggest you read it. It is not like the Twilight series. I have often thought as I have read more, if Alicia's soul is in a new host. What experiences she is feeling. What memories does she have of us...if any at all.

Year 1, 28Aug11

Within this past 2 weeks, there have been 2 acquaintances who did not realize Alicia was our daughter. In both instances, the person was well aware of Alicia's death, but did not recognize I was her father. I was shocked that the one person was not aware. Multiple people with whom we had both worked or interacted knew I was Alicia's dad. When I saw this person, they asked how both kids were. I provided a response about Jasmine after which he asked about our second child. I stammered a bit before stating she had died the previous year. They provided their condolences and I moved the conversation along. Later that evening, I received an email apology stating that they knew of Alicia's death but did not know I was her father.

The 2nd situation was with a person driving me home from the airport. They asked about children to which I offered up my usual 'past tense' response. This person went on to ask about ages and began comparisons to their children. I responded with a brief sketch of Alicia's death. The driver stated that he remembered that incident last year and offered his profound condolences.

Two very different circumstances yet within 2 weeks of each other. Prior to this, it had been months since the last time I had to convey Alicia's story. I am content with how I responded both verbally and emotionally. It does get easier...but it still gnaws at me.

I have been recently drawn to fiction about people overcoming the emotional turmoil and aftermath of death. I feel a little bit narcissistic reading these books. I am not exactly sure what I am getting out of these books. I venture to guess that just reading about how others handle the emotions, pull their lives back together, and in some books even progress is inspirational. Almost always, I find myself shedding a tear during the raw emotional passages. No matter where I am, it happens. I am so absorbed in the story, I can not help myself.

My most recent read used an unique vantage point. It was written from the point of view of the deceased as she watches her husband collapse emotionally and how her friends coalesce around him due to various circumstances.

Cathie and I discussed that this book ties into my belief that souls move on and are reborn in others. The memories are not, but the life experiences are conserved.

Year 1 Day 133, 31Jul11

Before we leave Alicia's 19th BDay month, I took a stroll down memory lane my You Tube site. I watched the picture montage I collated last month, and a few of the video clips from her memorial. As I watched, I felt as if it were only last month. The emotions are still churning just under the surface. All it takes is a small fissure through which they all rush out into the light of day. At these times, I am laid open for the world to see. To share in my sorrows...my tears... these memories. I find my self at times having to retell her story. I am able to struggle thought it.

Still Alicia's room stands as a memorial to her. Her TEAM acceptance letter still on her tack board. Her thoughts and struggles with which college to attend. Her fancy shoes she only wore once or twice are still there. I go into her room to remember when I feel the need and peruse her belongings...my memories. What will we do with Alicia's things? Her soccer trophys...clothes...furniture...books... I guess the time will come when it feels right. Until then, time stand still her her room.

Year 1 Day 125, 23Jul11

Bang...zing. Just like that, I'm struggling to keep myself together Usually because something triggered a memory of Alicia. A sound...a smell...a place...a feeling. I have come to expect Alicia to receive birthday wishes from places such as her dentist... an old summer camp she attended 4 years... a coupon from her fave store. But this past week, she received a Marin Superior Court jury summons.

Wow... Bang zing. I recall the first time I received a jury summons. It was such a thrill. Kinda of a right of passage. I stood there staring at the summons. Ok...ok. I have to call. I called the jury assembly room and spoke to a jury clerk. There was a fairly raucous background noise, so obviously they were busy. She asked for the juror number. I explained it was Alicia's. 'Ok...that will work' she stated. I explained to her Alicia had died last March. She stopped. I could sense her mind reeling. She began to stammer and eked out she would make a note in the system and take care of this. She conveyed her sorrow for my loss. Bang zing...

Cathie finally did it! She summitted Shasta last week (pix from prev attempt). This had been a culmination of months of planning with the final 4 weeks of training in Tahoe. She almost did not make the attempt due to inclement weather conditions. But the guide encouraged her through it. This has been a significant goal for almost 2-3 years when she last attempted it. Alicia would have been very proud of her. This is the kinda of trip they both would have loved to do together. Jasmine was supposed to make the climb but she had issues with significant exertion at altitude in Tahoe.

Year 1 Day 121, 19Jul11

Life is very different now. The things I used to let bother me are no longer important. Some of the things I loved to do with Alicia, I can barely make the effort.

This past weekend was the Women's World Cup and the US team was in the finals. We used to love watching some of the matches together. I recall the time when the Women's Professional Soccer league had a team in San Jose, the Stingrays. Alicia and I attend a match with a few girls from Jose's teams. She got to go out onto the field with the other girls soccer players to welcome the home team. Afterwards, we stood on the runway to get autographs. She was very excited that we were able to get Brandi Chastain's autograph. We still have that ball.

Motivation is a funny and fickle thing. I still log a lot of hours at work. Probably too many hours. For me, work has been a solid support for me. My colleagues have supported me through last year. I have kept very busy which is a good thing not to have too much time on my hands. I really love what I do...but even that has begun to wane. Motivation. What motivates me? Is it family? Love? Being important? Feeling needed? Certainty? A lot has changed. Do I even know who I am anymore?

I just watched parts of a movie called Damaged. It's dripping with suspense and anticipation. There is a part where the lead looks into the mirror but the person looking back at her is only her in appearance. A shell of what they are supposed to look like. At times, that is what I feel like...a shell. An empty shell of my former self. I grope for things to fill the vast void...to satiate the emptiness. But I have yet to find what can make me feel whole again. That one thing may not exist. But I keep looking...for now.

Year 1 Day 112, 10Jul11

Happy 19th Birthday Ichi! Monica and Alana dropped off a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You would have loved them. as I drove your car to Tahoe this weekend, I remembered Jen's story of her first ride with you in the Miata and smiled.

Imagine, today you would have been 19 years old. You would have just completed your freshman year at college either at UC Davis, Wilamette, Cal-Poly, or even Colorado College. You probably would be hanging out with mom in Tahoe this week. Hiking, camping, and just enjoying the outdoors. I am sure it would bug you to no end that Jasmine is as tall as you now.

Alas, today's harsh reality is insurmountable. At times, it envelopes me. I would be just driving across the bridge when a memory of you would softly alight in my memory like a graceful butterfly. As quietly as the memory would appear, it's impact upon me would be powerful and pointed. I'd be awash reliving the memory just for a fleeting second. A smile would find it's way to the surface only to be pummeled by the reality of today.

I have stopped trying to make any sense of your death. There is none. I used to get mad at myself, you, and everything around. But it did not change anything nor did it illuminate any reason. So I simply stopped.

Year 1 Day 92, 20Jun11

Jasmine is now 5'8.5" which is the last height I had recorded for Alicia in Oct'09. When I measured her, I felt a little pain knowing that Alicia would forever in my mind be the same height and 17 years old. I would not have the pleasure of guiding her through college, life, and beyond. That feeling washes over me like a wave of water on a beach. One second, I am staring right at it and the next, I am fully enveloped in my emotions.

When I watched the Rascal Flatts video "Here comes Goodbye" I thought of Alicia, my father, my mother, my uncle, and my aunt. Like above, this video caught me a little off guard. It is a beautifully made video and a wonderful song.

After watching the video, I was inspired enough to try my hand at rending a slide show on our Mac. The resulting video, I have put on my YouTube channel. I used a few pictures from when Alicia was in TEAM. I used Eric Clapton's unplugged 'Tears in Heaven' song and titled the video TEAM Memories. I hope you enjoy it. The pictures capture the essence of her free and lively spirit.

Until we meet again ichi.

Year 1 Day 85, 13Jun11

Graduation season is upon us. The TEAMies have returned from college. It is a hard feeling to see all the kids back after their 1st year in college. Alicia had so looked forward towards college and the experiences it would bring. We still have her acceptance letters and the condolence letter from the UC Chancellor with a note she had been accepted at Davis.

I missed the TAMASCAL graduation where Alicia's scholarship was bestowed upon Stephanie Kyne which will help her with a NOLs course in Patagonia. Congrats!

TEAM held a reunion last weekend to celebrate the retirement announcement of Chuck. Chuck has been the heart and soul of the TEAM program for over 20 years. Alicia really blossomed in the team program and continued to grow at Tamascal HS. We will reach out to some parents we know from TEAM to discuss establishing a not-for-profit foundation benefiting TEAM. After Chuck retires, I want ensure that this wonderful program is able to continue for future generations of kids. We'll probably need to off-set the salary of 1 teacher to ensure budgetary issues do not kill it.

I watched a video called 'Here Comes Goodbye' by Rascal Flatts. I lost it. The video was very well done and surprising. I must have cried for 5 minutes. Here is the link below.
http://youtu.be/17VudJ6lr4k

Year 1 Day 77, 05Jun11

Well...here it is. Our family picture as we stand today. When we went to review the proofs, we talked about how it felt without Alicia. We both shared a tear. It's not easy to look at these and feel that not having her with us is just 'off'.

Tamasical Graduation is this Tuesday. Alicia's scholarship will be bestowed for a 2nd year. The scholarship award person this year is unknown to me. I am conflicted a bit. We had established the scholarship loosely to allow Chuck flexibility. The award is supposed to be bestowed upon a person that best exemplified Alicia's qualities. Speaking with Cathie, I would like to ensure this will always be the case. To do so, I need to draft some of my initial thoughts and engage Chuck and the new principle of Tamasical HS.

Year 1 Day 71 30May11

Happy Birthday Dad. G'pop would have been about 88 years old. A few years back, he recorded his story of leaving China via Vietnam and France during the cultural revolution. He immigrated to the US via Ellis Island to NY. We have several cassette tapes with him retelling his story.

On Saturday, we had an appointment for a family and individual photo session in Petaluma. This was the 1st time we had a photo session in almost 6 years. The session went well with the photographer getting some good shots. But it also reminded Cathie and me that Alicia was not with us. It does feel that we are not whole. There is still a huge portion of us...gone. I definitely miss her lightness of spirit. As a family and individuals, we still struggle to find our paths. I'm not so sure this we'll ever find it but we will make new paths in uncharted emotional territory.

That reminds me of the Shel Silverstein book, the Missing Piece. Eventually this will too end like the book, but not on this earth.

Cathie has just started playing her guitar again. She has not been able to take it up since Alicia had died. I'm glad to hear her play music again. She loved teaching herself and playing the guitar. The girls were always embarrassed by it. But persist, Cathie did.

Year 1, Day 62, 21May11

Today was the last last of the TEAM car washes for this year. TEAM heads to out for a Lost Coast hike this week for 5 days. As I pulled into the Tamascal HS driveway for the1stof 2 car washes, I remember seeing Alicia and her class, bumbling about washing cars to generate money for their camping trips. Their playfulness and purposefulness ever present. Music of that time blaring on the stereo pulled into the courtyard.

As I watched the TEAMies wash the Miata, I was transported back to the Jen's story at Alicia's Memorial about the first time she took a ride with Alicia. Stalling out at stop signs, music blaring, gears grinding, but hysterical laughter all the time. That in a sentence captured her spirit.

It was great to see Chuck and Nicole and get caught up with events a TEAM. With graduation being right around the corner, June 7th, they are winding things down for another successful TEAM program year. This program was the catalyst through which Alicia blossomed and came unto her own. She became much more self assured and confident. Through the individual attention of Chuck and Patchen as well as the Tamasical teachers, she excelled. She could not longer attend a traditional HS with their impersonal approach to teaching.

Alicia's friends have started returning for the summer. I ran into Cat from soccer working at a local MV ice cream place and Chelsea from volleyball at a burger joint. I think Cathie and me are looking forward to seeing some of the TEAMies from Alicia's class.

Year 1 Day 56, 15May11

I have found myself lately reading books in which there is a common theme which the personel struggles overcoming the death or deapture of a loved one. With my recent travels, I read three e-books books by Michael Baron all of which have this theme, Spinning, Crossing the Bridge, and Since You Left. I'm not sure what I am drawn to in these books. It may be the struggle to overcome their emotional obstacles. Their emotions as they continue to tip toe thought an emotional mine field. But none the less, I continue to read.

Yesterday we participated in the annual Postal Carriers Food Drive. Cathie and I were trying to recall if this was the 4th or 5th year participating. This year it was just Cathie and I. We were at the Sausalito Postal office unloading, sorting, and reloading donated food to be driven to the Marin Country Food Bank. We later went to the Food Bank to help them unload and sort the donation until about 7:15pm or so. We used to do this as a family. This year Jasmine did not want to participate electing to shop with some friends.

But we did all have dinner together last night. It was nice to all sit down for a meal and just talk. Cathie was not hungry but she joined us anyway. I do very much miss having these dinners as they have become fewer. We used to eat together at least 5 days per week. This has probably dropped to 3-4 days per week with Cathie's evening Search And Rescue meetings, Jasmine and Cathie climbing days, and our general business during the weekends. I still feel strongly that we need to continue having dinner together. Jasmine pointed out that of her friends, we are the only have make it a point to do this.

Year 1, Day 50, 09May11

We've just passed Jasmine's bday, Cathie's bday and Mother's day all in a 8 day stretch. I am of the mind set that these events are all to be celebrated. Yet this year, there was reluctance for anything special.

As we shared Mother's Day brunch, I was struck that Jasmine shares little of her thoughts with us. There we were, the 3 of us at a nice restaurant to celebrate yet she only contributed to the conversation if directed right at her. She's embroiled in her teenage years trying to establish herself. She's pushing back very hard on Cathie constantly. She pushes on everything. Cathie quickly tires of the constant pressure.

I so miss Alicia's light heartedness and spirit. I fondly remember that when she entered the room, she always had a lightness in spirit which followed her.

Year 1, Day 44

And the struggles continue... Trying to find our family's new 'center' has proven to be elusive. I guess as with all things, it is the journey not the destination which matters most. We progress seems to be 1 step forward, 1 or 2 steps sideways, 1 small step forward, followed by 2 steps back. I'm not sure we are even holding ground. Now is the time we need each other the most, but it seems now is when we are the furthest apart.

We've just passed Jasmine's 14th birthday. She refused to consider anything that would require any planning what so ever. She just called at 5pm and asked to take her posse out for dinner at7pm followed by a sleep over with a few girls. We made it happen and enjoyed the impromptu event with 7 of her friends. I bought her some clothes she wanted from A&F plus some spending money in her saving account. We had a cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Yum.

Tome, birthdays are to be celebrated with friends, food, and gifts. I am disappointed with anything less. Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed even though it may be someone's birthday and not my own when this happens. This is becoming more of the norm now days.

Yr 1 Day 30, 20Apr11

I was sitting in the waiting room to see my primary care physician when I began to think about Alicia. I remembered taking Cathie to the office to check out her rampant poison oak rash. This had to have been late March or early April last year. Cathie had been walking through chest high bushes at Tennessee Valley with a dog team during Alicia's search. The poison oak had festered and spread to the point it was extremely uncomfortable.

Then my mind raced to what I will call "The Dream". The Dream came to me within the 1st week of Alicia's death. In The Dream, Alicia & I were sitting at a picnic table somewhere non-descript. I was doing all the talking and she was nodding her head listening. It was so vivid I recall she was wearing her red plaid patterned shirt. It was a sunny comfortable day. After what seemed like minutes, she stood up to leave. I asked her to stay longer with me. She just gave me her sly smile and began leaving. I called out to her she just turned and smiled. I awoke from my dream but tried sleeping again to recapture it.

Since then, this dream has not reoccurred nor has it continued in any fashion. I am not a superstitious person by any means. Yet I do find the timing of this dream was ... Purposeful? Probably not coincidental. Was she telling me to let her go? It was time for her to depart this world? I wholly detest even the idea of "it was time". At 17 years old, college acceptances due in just weeks...it was not her time. She had a full life ahead her.

We're what I would describe as agnostic in our beliefs. Cathie put forth recently is she feels religion is an artificial construct that allows people to survive these type of events. Religion allows people make sense of things that can not be explained or defy logic.

Yr 1 Day 27, 17Apr11

It has been almost 3 weeks since I last posted. I have hardly been in town with work travel and 5 days of vacation towards the end. We just returned from Hawaii where we stayed in Paia on Maui with relatives. They have a beautiful house right on the beach. We went snorkeling, stand up boarding, boogie boarding, surfing, kite surfing, zip-lining, & volcano viewing. For those that know me, the stand-up boarding was not happening for me on a 10' board. I needed a 'barn door'. It was warm and beautiful. We ate at Mama's Fish House, The Fish Market in Paia, the General Store in up-country

Cathie reminded me that I had previously written that we had completed our year of firsts, but this was our 1st trip back to HI without Alicia. She used to love hanging out in the water and snorkeling. Alicia had my skin tone which meant she tanned very quickly. She and I used to compare the color of our arms to see who was darker. Yup... I did think of Alicia daily. She would have absolutely loved where we stayed and the things we did.

Cathie is planning to go to NY with Jasmine this summer. This will another 1st, the 1st time Cathie has returned to NY since we were there with Alicia in Fall'09 looking at colleges. I am sure we'll continue to run across these 1sts for some time. I guess for me, it will be a welcomed reminder of her.

The picture is a sunset from the top of Haleakala. It was a beautiful way to end my days in HI.

Yr 1 Day 7, 27Mar11

Last week I attended the formal commercial launch of our new drug. This was the 3rd time that I had worked on a successful product (one with Genentech and one with Inhale). Product launches mark high points in people's careers in development. This one was bitter sweet for me. I always loved sharing with her some of the technical portions of my work. I recall when she was working as an intern at UCSF. She was so jazzed to be running some gels. We'd sit and talk about what she was doing. Her eyes would light up just thinking about it. She absolutely loved her time at UCSF.

Art... it just has a way to finding it's way into our lives. Since Alicia's death we have been given and gathered some lovely pieces. This past weekend, we were struck by wire sculptures crafted by Sunila Baraj (see picture). The piece was created with wire from window screens. Wow. There are several more pieces in the collection but this one was special. Separately it reached out to Cathie and me.

We received several lovely notes and flowers last week. Thank you to all. It is comforting to know Alicia will live forever in our memories. I feel the hardest part for me is now past and the memories still remain. The metamorphosis of our lives will continue while we struggle to keep parts of Alicia still within our us. Her playfulness ... her zest for new experiences... her off kilter sense of humor... and of course her love of Disney movies.

Yr 1 Day 3, 23Mar11

Looks like we're doing OK. We've past the anniversary of Alicia's death. No more "Year of Firsts". We're on to the year of 2nds.

While I was driving last week, I accidentally called Alicia's old cell phone. I reached her voicemail. I was startled and momentarily incapacitated...frozen. Where was I? What day was it? Then I felt sad...very sad. I had to pull over for a little bit to recompose myself. I was leaving downtown Oakland at night. Probably not the best place to pull over, but I needed it. I have kept her cell phone active to this day. She still receives text messages and voice mails once in a while. I do not have the fortitude to read or listen to them. I still as if I am invading her privacy. Funny I am. But it just feels right.

Day 365, 20Mar11

Today last year was utterly a surreal day of which I will never forget. The morning was non-descript with Cathie going to work out at the club. Jasmine and I staying at home. At around 10:30 or so, I received 'The Call'. At first, it was Alicia's friend calling if Alicia had come home from the night before. I stated no but she was supposed to work at Planet Granite this morning anyway. A few minutes later, Alicia's friend called back stating s/he was in Montana and not be be alarmed, but Alicia was missing. She had spent the night out at Tennessee Valley with friends and was not there although her car was still in the lot. Planet Granite confirmed that she was not there.

My mind went racing. I could feel my heart rate racing. Jasmine and I ran out the door to meet the kids near T-vally. We left Cathie messages to come to T-valley. I followed them to the lot. Alicia's best friend was already there with the rest of the camp-out kids. Marin Search and Rescue had just been called. A spoke to a Park Ranger about what they knew at that time. Cathie then arrived and spoke to all the kids.

The rest of the day was all about the 'Search'. I guess the term is 'hasty' search. MSAR began asseemblying quickly. There were folks on horses, dogs & handlers, walkers, ATVs, planes, helicopters, boats, and sea-doos. The search started around 3pm and went until dark. We were asked to stay in the stables area to allow the search teams to do their thing. Some of Alicia's friends fanned out to hand out flyers to the day hikers in the area.

Before nightfall, Cathie and I were taken to the spot they last think Alicia was so that we could see the terrain and talk about next steps. They continued the search until well after dark. I stayed and spoke to the searchers after their de-brief. I also personally thanked everyone who helped with the search.

I returned home around 10pm or so. That night was the longest of my lifetime. Every minute that passed was a minute that I wanted and needed to be out there seaarching for her. Cathie and I woke early and headed out to TValley again. Cathie joined a dog tracking crew. I stayed behind at the stables. Later around 1pm, I walked down to the bunker with a couple of friends. At 2pm or so, they came to pick us up and took us back to the stables. Jim and I were seated at the picnic table in the back when they came. Jasmine was out front walking around. That is when the MSAR leader relayed they believe they found Alicia in the water at Muir Beach. Jasmine came around the corner. I got up and told her the news. We cried together. Cathie came within minutes. We all cried together.

Our world had changed. Forever.

Day 364, 19Mar11

It was almost exactly to this hour 1 year ago. The last time I saw Alicia alive. She came home quickly with a friend before heading out. She was supposed to meet her best friend and stay out for the night. She was bubbly as usual. I think she came back from climbing at Planet Granite that Friday evening. I was watching a movie. She came in with her usual "Hi pops". She introduced me to her friend then went into her room. She came back out then they left.

She went to the bunker at Tennessee Valley with friends on a night without any moon light so they could see the stars more clearly. She was crazy high up above the bunker on the cliff line.

To this day, I regret that evening. The lackadaisical exchange. I didn't even try to slow her down even for a moment to chill. The things I took for granted... especially that evening haunt me still. The things not said... the 'belly bumps' not accepted... the hugs never to come again. Why is that? Why do I allow these things to slip by?

As I have said many times on this blog, it feels like just yesterday. The pain is still raw. I have gotten pretty good controlling it. But when I speak about her and her death, I lose it. Just last week someone at work asked about how we were doing, it caught me by surprise. I had to gather myself but even then, my eyes teared. I suspect this will be the way it will always be.

One of Alicia's friends dropped off a bouquet of flowers today. I was driving back from Tahoe and was not home. When I drove up and saw it, I was taken aback. Someone remembered.

To all...thanks for remembering Alicia. She will always be a part of us...forever.

Love you! Take care of g'pop, my mom, and ree-ni.

Day 358, 13Mar11

We're getting closer... 7 days and counting.

I found this picture of her from KBDS 8thgrade year volleyball. I was not able to attend hardly any of her volleyball matches at KDBS, but this one I did attend. I remember they were leading my a hefty margin so Ms Guererro told her to jump serve which they had not practiced. The first time she mis-tossed the ball up tried to hit it anyway...net. Her time service, she tried again (see picture). She tossed the ball behind her a bit but she was able to hit it over the net. She was laughing so hard she could hardly stay focused on the play.

I was sorting through some of my dad's files today when I ran across some Birthday cards my dad had saved. I found one from 2008 which I remember clearly... an elephant sitting in a convertible VW Beetle. In the card, Alicia had signed it. It caught me by surprise and I stopped. Memories of her came flooding through. 'All' (not nearly enough) the birthday/holiday cards I 'made' the girls sign over the years. How my dad would dote over Alicia when she was little. The times Alicia spent with dad paying his bills and organizing his papers. The moment I had to tell him Alicia had died. His outburst... uncontrollable crying...then passing out. I stood there, immobilized by these memories and emotions.

When will this get easier? When will I be able to look at her things be it art, pictures, or clothing and smile warmly on the inside instead of tearing up?

Day 353, 08Mar11

Alicia loved playing sports. She was a good athlete. Dedicated. Hard working and a consummate team player.

At first, she played soccer on a team coached by Brett, Tony, and I even helped out. This would have been 2nd grade, about 1999. The team was called the Purple Penguins. She continued to play for 8 years on progressively competitive teams. During the mix of teams, I started and managed a team called the Panthers. She continued to play in HS for MarinFC but not for her HS team.

During her 7th and 8thgrade years at KDBS, Alicia started playing volleyball. She instantly took to volleyball. She played volleyball through her junior year in HS. She also played club volleyball with Marin Juniors and Absolute Volleyball Club. She had a knack for volleyball. For a few seasons, she played middle even at 5'8".

During her KDBS years, she also played badminton recreationaly. She was pretty good and fast. She continued to play against us in our front yard during her Sophomore year.

Day 350, 05Mar11

One of my fondest memories was when I coached A YMCA youth basketball team with Brett & Tony that had Alicia, Alysse, Allison, Lisby. Lizzy, and a few others. This must have been 2 or 3rd grade. Alicia was one of the shortest girls on the team but she made up for it with tenacity. Brett was a HS BB coach to off set Tony and my lack of experience. I remember having a ball working with the girls trying to teach them how to run 'the weave'. What an experience... The team played well that year. They were aggressive on the court and always played hard.

The photo above was taken that year. Alicia is standing next to Allison. I tried to get involved when it came to sports and the girls. These were some of the best times I shared with both kids.

Day 346, 01Mar11

OK...enough with the melancholy memories! The morning of the day Alicia was born, started off as normal day. Except Cathie told me her water had broken over night but she felt no contractions thus she went back to sleep. When she told me, we talked about what should we do since she was not feeling anything. We settled on 'better safe than sorry' so we headed into the hospital.

Everything moved very quickly when we arrived. It progressed so rapidly that they did not have time to set in an epidural even though she wanted it. This was gonna be au naturale. Once her contractions started, Alicia arrived 90 minutes later.

When they placed Alicia on Cathie right after birth, they asked for her name. Cathie and I had a short list of names, but instead Cathie said Alicia. I was surprised, so I asked her how she wanted to spell it. I ended up spelling the name as I recall a HS friend had spelled it. Kinda cool...almost a palindrome.

Day 345, 28Feb11

We're within 20 days of the 1st anniversary of Alicia's death. In honor of where we are today, I will share some of my memories of her for the next few posts.

About this time last year, I remember when Alicia began receiving her college acceptance letters. Prior to March 20th, she had been accepted first at Willamette, Colorado College, and Cal State San Luis Obispo. Of those three, she was the most excited with Colorado College. She had visited with Cathie and fell in love with their 'block program'. This fit perfectly with her periods of intense study followed by taking a break. She loved the idea of taking time abroad and discovered Colorado College had study abroad blocks built into their program. Wow. She was elated. Coupled with the ability to hike and camp in the Rockies, she was in heaven.

Reality of the tuition at Colorado College cam crashing down on her utopia. Of the 3 schools, this was by far the most expensive. She began trying to find scholarships to lessen the burden. She struggled. I struggled even more. Here she was with a 4.02 GPA. An athlete, avid rock climber, and outdoor enthusiast. She worked and studied her butt off and she got into her dream school... and I could not afford it. Ugh! It tore my heart out to see her struggle with something she had no control over. I felt as if I had failed her. Sue she could and probably would have gone to Willamette. But it would have been a settle.

Alas... it was not to be.

Day 338, 21Feb11

This has been an interesting few days. I think Cathie found this picture from May'02 of the girls and I in an old fashion photo booth. When I first saw the picture on the dresser, I was struck. I stumbled about a bit and had to get a hold of myself. I felt as if I had just struck by something unexpectedly. Alicia would have been 9 yo and Jasmine 4 yo. Life was so much emotionally simpler back then even though my mom had still died before.

I have been watching Grey's Anatomy on our Netflix account and a few other movies. I must have seen at least 2 various intpretations of heaven or at least the step in-between both places. In the Grey's Anatomy version (Season 3), the principle is met by two people who had preceded them in death to help explain and ease the transition. In this particular story, they principle character was forced to return to life because it was not her time thus she did not belong.

What was interesting was the people who had died still felts links to those living who were close to them. Like a cool breeze was one walks down a hallway that gives you a calm feeling that person is there. When I watched that episode it reminded of many times when I thought I felt Alicia's presence while just going about life. In my head I hear her saying 'silly pops' in her mocking voice. I immediately snap out of my thoughts. I likened this to a scene in City of Angels when an angel touches a person to help guide them.

At dinner last night in SF, I ran into an old friend whose daughter went to school with Alicia. They had been good friends and played some soccer together. I was leaving Picaro as they walked in. Her daughter and her friend were all together. I was struck as to how mature she she had become. I have not seen them both since Alicia's memorial last March. Wow. Life is certainly moving on yet I feel part of me is stuck. Stuck in March of last year. Stuck. Emotionally stuck.

We're just less than 1 month away from the 1st anniversary.

Day 327, 10Feb11

Last night I attended a private retirment celebration at the Kalpan Penthouse in the Rose Building in the Lincoln Center NY city. This was a beautiful reception and dinner with wonderfully catered meal. Attending were people selected by the guest of honor to celebrate his retirement.

During the evening, a Tony award winning performer regaled us with several Broadway songs. In her set, she performed several Disney songs inclusing one from Aladdan. I was overcome with emotion as I recalled Alicia's love of the animated Disney movies. She was silly in her all out love of Aladdan, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, etc. Her love of these movies mirrored my own. I have not been able to watch any of these movies since she died. I have often considered just doing it, but I was not sure if I could make it through the entire movie.

Cathie reminded me we are closing in on the 1 year mark of Alicia's death. We will be in Tahoe with a very close family friend for teh weekend. It is also my brother's bday for which I will need to figure out a plan. We have not discussed if and how we want to mark the anniversary. I can not beleive it has been almost 1 year. Her friends have moved on with their lives as they should. We are lucky that a few have chosen to stay a part of our family. For that I am eternally grateful. It is hard to watch a gaggle of college kids without thinking about Alicia wondering how things would have turned out differently. Yes... I know. The unanswerable questions still arise. At least somewhat less frequently now.

Day316, 30Jan11

"The Walk'
I had not been back to T-valley in quite few months. So last Sunday, I decided to go ahead and do it. It was a beautiful sunny day. A little nippy but for me perfect for a hike. I had in my sac my usual is is a program from the memorial inside a 1 gallon plastic zip-lock bag with a paper crane with the plastic seal taped on the backside. I also brought an tangerine.

As I walked down to the beach, I marveled at the subtle changes with the landscape since I last did 'the walk'. The old ranger's house was demolished. The outdoor paddocks at the stables had a roof for shading and protection from the rain.

I made my way down to the beach passing salamanders in pools of water and birds of prey soaring high above. My mind turned towards the events of last March. The calm phone call from Rory in Montana saying not to worry and that Alicia was missing... my frantic scramble to meet Josh at Delino's near T-Valley...the drive to the T-Valley. etc etc It all came rushing back as if it were just yesterday.

As I climbed up to the bunker, I recalled that Sat night when The MSAR folks, Cathie, the sheriffs, and I hiked up to the point Alicia had last been. At least 75 feet above the bunker on a very steep pitch. When I reached the bunker, I kept going up and up to the last semi-flat area half way between the bunker and area she was last. I just kept gazing at the spot. Then I looked down to the ocean. I stayed for about 20 mins then I returned to the bunker. I left my package in the flue of the bunker to protect it from the winds and not to draw attention.

What a beautiful spot. Now with a stigma in my mind which will not allow me to enjoy the beauty without recalling Alicia's accident. Someday this may fade a bit but I'll never forget.

Day 308, 22Jan11

"Wakey...wakey...eggs and bakie." Immortalized words Alicia would call out to wake someone up. These Seuss'ian words reflected her playful nature. She brought levity when I used to get wound up about things with her instance of a 'belly bump'. Her lightness of spirit has left our household.

Jasmine calls our place 'a sad house' and as such, she spends significant time away from home with friends. I am sad with this development. There are periods of time when I do not get to see her much given my travel scheduled with her social calendar. She has grown up fast both physically and emotionally.

I have hiked Tennessee Valley in a long time. The weather is beautiful this weekend. I thought I would take the hike tomorrow AM. I laminated a copy of the memorial program which I will leave at the bunker. I usually put 1 program with a crane inside a plastic zip lock bag and tape it to the bunker. Hopefully this will last longer.

I have decided not to referee club volleyball this season. I am traveling a lot this year and would like to preserve the weekends to get chores done. I may ref HS this Fall again to stay close to the game but with Jasmine not playing, I'm not sure if I will even do that. For me it is not the pittance of money. It was about staying close to the girls, seeing more of their games, and being able to talk to them about their vball matches/tournaments.

Day 301, 15Jan11

I was in NY this past week and stayed in Soho. The first day I was returning from mid-town, the taxi took me past the apartment Cathie, Alicia, and I stayed Oct'09 when she went to visit colleges. It kinda snuck up on me. As we were driving, I began to see some familiar restaurants then there it was. Wham... a flood of memories from that trip.

We spent 1 week in NY. I was working most of the week spending time between NJ and NY. The girls were exploring and visiting 2 schools. They took day trips to visit 1 school in NJ and 1 in Boston. Alicia had an old camera and was taking pictures for her photography class.

On the flight home, I recognized someone as a father of someone Alicia had played soccer with for 3 years. It took me a bit to place him but I am sure it was him. His daughter played on a traveling soccer team I had managed, the Panthers. It was a bit ackward as I sensed he was trying to avoid me. When he walked bye, I tried to get his attention then I tried speaking to him. He looked away. I am a memorable kinda guy...biggest Chinese person you're likely to meet. So it felt purposeful.

I guess I have to get used to that some people may not feel comfortable or 'know what to say'. To these folks I would relay... just say 'Hi'. There is nothing that can be said about Alicia's death and I would not bring it up.

Day 294, 08Jan11

With the New Year, we have begun to repurpose Alicia's room. We have taken her bed and moved so Jasmine can use the mattress and frame. We found all kinds of 'stuff' under it. Surprisingly, we found 'izzy'. Izzy is a pink beanie style lizard which has been part of our family for quite some time. I am not sure when izzy joined the family but it had to have been over 5 years ago. Izzy now sits with 'monkey' another of her favorites.

We're probably going to stop the family counseling. Jasmine really does not want to continue at all. In all rights, she is doing very well. Her attendance, grades, etc are pretty good so far. Cathie is not getting much out of these sessions compared to her pvt sessions. I feel I am doing well enough and do not need the input of a therapist weekly. Cathie and I do agree that some of the topics he brings up are good for us to talk about but this does not outweigh the other considerations to end it. We promised to return for 1 last session in 2-3 weeks to inform him of our decision.

We will continue to pay attention to how we are all doing so that we can engage with someone if needed.