OMG... Alicia's friend sent the following to her Facebook as a message to her. It is an unbelievably heart wretching dream. One which I feel we all would want to have ... just one more time.
This coupled with a friend told Cathie today that she works with a spiritualist who told her Alicia is 'stuck' right now and Cathie can help her. But only on nights of a full moon.
_______________
Dear Alicia,
For you and for your parents, I had a dream last night about Alicia. I don't know how much you and your parents believe in being able to connect with people from the past but it felt so real to me so I thought I'd share it. In the dream, I could see you Alicia, yet no one else could, I hesitated when I saw you come down and sit one the bench with everyone, I knew that you had passed away and couldn't believe that I could see you. We walked down a street together and you asked me how my mandarin class was going since you were in for a couple months of last year. I told you that it would be so much better if you were still there. I asked you, will you explain how you passed away, you hesitated then I said, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You said to me, it is too soon since you passed away to tell your story. Being just over a month since you passed away you said. We continued to walk down the street chatting about how you had an AB Calc test coming up that you didn't like, and how you wished that you could have made it to take the AP Exam. You told me of the labs you did in Honors Biomed, and how when you got into the class you jumped with joy. You told me of how going to Tamiscal gave you a new perspective on learning, one that you preferred over the teaching style at Redwood. I asked you, how are you feeling right now. You told me that at times you feel the sadness of the people close to you that didn't get a chance to say goodbye, yet at other times you feel the relaxation of knowing that your parents and all your friends will always love you, you said the word love is so corny but there is no other word to describe the emotions that your friends and family feel towards you. You told me that you got visit tenessee valley and sit at the campsite where you and your friends stayed the night before, and watch as people run down the small beach. I asked you why you go back, and you said to me, that there is an obvious answer to that, that you had been extremely happy that night while you were there and that every time you come back here, you feel the warmth of your friends as though they are nearby. I then smiled and began to walk away, you waving goodbye and saying to me that though you did no know me well, you were glad that I came and took a walk with you. I woke up today feeling something I hadn't felt in a while, it was sadness and joy combined as one and this dream has stuck with me all day. I don't normally believe in that kinda thing but this seemed so real to me. I just thought I'd share that to you and your parents. May you rest in peace Alicia
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Day 37, 27Apr10
I have decided not to visit my therapist this week. I have seen her twice since Alicia's death as well as I have seen 1 person at CorStone. I feel as if I am doing pretty well. I have my creative outlets, eg Facebook and blogging. I have my work to focus on most of the day. I have also tapped into an online grief community such as TCF as well as made new friends who had a similar experience. I will switch to every other week with her.
Jasmine has met with her therapist three times now. She had previously meet with 2 separate people at CorStone and a referral. She did not connect with the therapists at CorStone but she felt better with the referral. But the referral is just too far 90 minutes one way. Now, she wants to stop therapy. She relays she does not feel connected. I am wondering if they are working on something she does not want to deal with emotionally. We'll have to sort this out. She does have her creative outlets which include journaling and Facebooking.
Cathie on the other hand had partially connected with a referral. She had previously not seen someone individually. But she has not made a follow up appointment and does not plan to do so. She may not be ready yet but I would like to make sure when she is ready, she already has a connection.
Jasmine has met with her therapist three times now. She had previously meet with 2 separate people at CorStone and a referral. She did not connect with the therapists at CorStone but she felt better with the referral. But the referral is just too far 90 minutes one way. Now, she wants to stop therapy. She relays she does not feel connected. I am wondering if they are working on something she does not want to deal with emotionally. We'll have to sort this out. She does have her creative outlets which include journaling and Facebooking.
Cathie on the other hand had partially connected with a referral. She had previously not seen someone individually. But she has not made a follow up appointment and does not plan to do so. She may not be ready yet but I would like to make sure when she is ready, she already has a connection.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day 36, 26Apr10
I have reached out and posted on the Compassionate Friends website. TCF posts 1 question daily to which people respond. Thequestion I responded to was about people's use of the internet as support or coping strategy. I relayed that I am blogging as a way to express my emotions and inner struggle. I also post on Facebook where I have loaded a lot of pictures of Alicia.
Yesterday, two people responded to my post on TCF. One of whom lives close and lost their 20 yo daughter 2 years ago on 19Apr08. Their daughter fell from an area close to where Alicia had fallen. She relayed that they were near when the search ended and felt grounded where they were. She felt compelled to reach out once she figured it out. It was a bit strange initially, but I confirmed her story. I plan to reach out to her today or tomorrow. I feel a kinship with this person without even meeting. I feel she understands what we are experiencing.
I forgot to mention, with the the untimely death of Catigny, we got 3 new chicks to raise. They are named Sultan (a white Sultan chicken), Raja (replacement for Catigny), and Jafar (dark brown spotted chicken). Jen was over Sunday when she returned from Spain where she was stranded with her family during the volcano eruption in Iceland. We broke the news of Catigny which she seemed to take in stride. Much unlike how Cathie handled it but similiar to Jasmine's reaction. I post more on the chicks later.
Alicia's part-time high school had contacted us for pictures of her and may be a poem of sorts. I pulled together some higher DPI pictures and sent them off. Cathie was looking for a pad to practice her calligraphy when she ran across a note pad of Alicia's. There was a car pool schedule for a TEAM bonfire, a list of pros and cons as to which high school to attend for her Senior year. But incidentally, it also contained a 2 page essay about her mortality. It is really very heavy emotionally. I was unable to read it all the way through in1 sitting. I kept crying. It is uncannily prophetic and extremely close to reality. There are parts which are 'dark' and intraspective. After showing this to one of her close teachers, I decided to majorly edit the document and provide a few lines to the yearbook. I may post it here.
Yesterday, two people responded to my post on TCF. One of whom lives close and lost their 20 yo daughter 2 years ago on 19Apr08. Their daughter fell from an area close to where Alicia had fallen. She relayed that they were near when the search ended and felt grounded where they were. She felt compelled to reach out once she figured it out. It was a bit strange initially, but I confirmed her story. I plan to reach out to her today or tomorrow. I feel a kinship with this person without even meeting. I feel she understands what we are experiencing.
I forgot to mention, with the the untimely death of Catigny, we got 3 new chicks to raise. They are named Sultan (a white Sultan chicken), Raja (replacement for Catigny), and Jafar (dark brown spotted chicken). Jen was over Sunday when she returned from Spain where she was stranded with her family during the volcano eruption in Iceland. We broke the news of Catigny which she seemed to take in stride. Much unlike how Cathie handled it but similiar to Jasmine's reaction. I post more on the chicks later.
Alicia's part-time high school had contacted us for pictures of her and may be a poem of sorts. I pulled together some higher DPI pictures and sent them off. Cathie was looking for a pad to practice her calligraphy when she ran across a note pad of Alicia's. There was a car pool schedule for a TEAM bonfire, a list of pros and cons as to which high school to attend for her Senior year. But incidentally, it also contained a 2 page essay about her mortality. It is really very heavy emotionally. I was unable to read it all the way through in1 sitting. I kept crying. It is uncannily prophetic and extremely close to reality. There are parts which are 'dark' and intraspective. After showing this to one of her close teachers, I decided to majorly edit the document and provide a few lines to the yearbook. I may post it here.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Day 34, 24Apr10
Today was a beautiful day so I went this morning to Tennessee Valley and hiked down to the beach, to the bunker, then up the mountain to where Alicia would have been. I hiked by myself. I placed oranges at the bunker to replace the ones eaten last week. The program was still securely placed. Sandra's flowers were still there with the mini-volleyball, a letter, and some other flowers. The 'ASL' was still visible under layers of protective coatings. I hiked up the mountain further to the next view point. The candle and dried flowers were still there under the rocks. Another 50 yards or so, was the final view point. I proceeded slowly even further up the pathway to about where I would need to cross the uneven soft clumpy grass to where she would have been. I decided to stay on the path.
On my way back to the parking lot, I ran into a friend with her daughter, Alicia's age. We walked and talked about Alicia's death, colleges, parental involvement, and life in general. It had been years since I last saw her but Cathie had run into her a few times at the club. During our conversation, I could not but help think about Alicia's college choices and were she would have liked to attend college. Colorado College in Colorado Springs. She had been accepted and given some scholarship money to off set the tuition and board fees.
Speaking of colleges, I received today an acceptance letter from Puget Sound University. She had been accepted at Colorado College, Seattle University, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, & UC Davis. I will call them on Monday to relinquish her acceptance.
Cathie found an essay from Alicia in which she pondered her own mortality. God it was very very hard to read. I immediately began to cry when I realized Alicia had written this within the past few months. Jeeze it was hard to read. We will use it in a collection of her writing with photos she took. We will probably use a portion for the RHS yearbook memorial page.
Cathie and I also spent a significant amount of time today with my dad in a hospital. We are running out of time to make decisions regarding his nutrition, cardiac complications, and discharge locations. He is probably within 10 days of his death if he continues to refuse food and water.
On my way back to the parking lot, I ran into a friend with her daughter, Alicia's age. We walked and talked about Alicia's death, colleges, parental involvement, and life in general. It had been years since I last saw her but Cathie had run into her a few times at the club. During our conversation, I could not but help think about Alicia's college choices and were she would have liked to attend college. Colorado College in Colorado Springs. She had been accepted and given some scholarship money to off set the tuition and board fees.
Speaking of colleges, I received today an acceptance letter from Puget Sound University. She had been accepted at Colorado College, Seattle University, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, & UC Davis. I will call them on Monday to relinquish her acceptance.
Cathie found an essay from Alicia in which she pondered her own mortality. God it was very very hard to read. I immediately began to cry when I realized Alicia had written this within the past few months. Jeeze it was hard to read. We will use it in a collection of her writing with photos she took. We will probably use a portion for the RHS yearbook memorial page.
Cathie and I also spent a significant amount of time today with my dad in a hospital. We are running out of time to make decisions regarding his nutrition, cardiac complications, and discharge locations. He is probably within 10 days of his death if he continues to refuse food and water.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day 32, 22Apr10
Today was the first day I did not cry for Alicia. I'm not sure...is this progress? Or am I forgetting? For some reason, I am feeling guilty for not crying today. We still have the big poster size pictures from her Memorial service around the house along with cards. Her room has been cleaned but not put away. I have also put folder paper cranes in all the cars. So it's not like I have hidden things out of the way. I guess it comes down to I am questioning how I am grieving.
So far, I have been hiking to the bunker in Tennessee Valley once a weekend. I perform some touch up/ clean up on the bunker memorial that Craig put up. Last week someone had eaten the oranges and left the peels on the bunker. I cleaned up the peels and straightened out her Memorial program and flowers. I then hike up the hill a bit further even with the landing and reminisce. The last two times I preserve the writings on the bunker for her as well. I plan to go again thius Saturday morning.
Cathie had begun to speak with Lauren about scattering Alicia's ashes. She is not sure when, but before summer. Jasmine wants to spend time with Lauren and Tat in LA this summer. Lauren agreed so we'll work this out. Jasmine is reaching out to relatives whom she had little contact thus far. Good for her!
Cathie freaked me out today. She forwarded an email to me from Alicia's gmail account. I glanced at my phone and saw something from Alicia. I stopped and held my breath. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I stopped in my tracks. When I read the email, I realize cathie forwarded it to me. I did not cry or breakdown.
My dad is in bad shape and getting worse. He has a blood and bladder infection concurrently. He has evidence of an old stroke which we did not know about. He still can not communicate except for head nods. He has not eating or drinking for the past 2-3 days. They gave him liquid nourishiment today and IV fluids but the MD stated they can not continue with this. They want to put in an NG tube to pump nutrition into his stomach. He also has atrial fibrilation for which they want to give him some blood thinners to lessen his risk of a blood clot. Cathie and I agree that we would prefer not to take these measures and let things run their course. I feel this is now just a matter of time before he dies. Maybe 1 week if he refuses to eat and drink without an NG tube. Maybe longer depending on what is decided.
This is such a hard period. My aunt died on 04Feb10 at 11:30pm. Alicia died 20Mar10 at 1am. Jen's chicken died 18Apr10. Something is not right in the Universe or someone did something to piss someone off. Jeeze. How much can one be expected to endure?
So far, I have been hiking to the bunker in Tennessee Valley once a weekend. I perform some touch up/ clean up on the bunker memorial that Craig put up. Last week someone had eaten the oranges and left the peels on the bunker. I cleaned up the peels and straightened out her Memorial program and flowers. I then hike up the hill a bit further even with the landing and reminisce. The last two times I preserve the writings on the bunker for her as well. I plan to go again thius Saturday morning.
Cathie had begun to speak with Lauren about scattering Alicia's ashes. She is not sure when, but before summer. Jasmine wants to spend time with Lauren and Tat in LA this summer. Lauren agreed so we'll work this out. Jasmine is reaching out to relatives whom she had little contact thus far. Good for her!
Cathie freaked me out today. She forwarded an email to me from Alicia's gmail account. I glanced at my phone and saw something from Alicia. I stopped and held my breath. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I stopped in my tracks. When I read the email, I realize cathie forwarded it to me. I did not cry or breakdown.
My dad is in bad shape and getting worse. He has a blood and bladder infection concurrently. He has evidence of an old stroke which we did not know about. He still can not communicate except for head nods. He has not eating or drinking for the past 2-3 days. They gave him liquid nourishiment today and IV fluids but the MD stated they can not continue with this. They want to put in an NG tube to pump nutrition into his stomach. He also has atrial fibrilation for which they want to give him some blood thinners to lessen his risk of a blood clot. Cathie and I agree that we would prefer not to take these measures and let things run their course. I feel this is now just a matter of time before he dies. Maybe 1 week if he refuses to eat and drink without an NG tube. Maybe longer depending on what is decided.
This is such a hard period. My aunt died on 04Feb10 at 11:30pm. Alicia died 20Mar10 at 1am. Jen's chicken died 18Apr10. Something is not right in the Universe or someone did something to piss someone off. Jeeze. How much can one be expected to endure?
Day 31, 21Apr10
The one month mark was not as hard as I feared. While I did cry on the way to work, I was able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I am finding I do not have time to dwell on Alicia. I feel as if I am neglecting her memories. I know that the pain has faded a bit. It is not on the my surface right now, but probably just under. I hope this is a good thing.
Work is consuming an increasing amount of time and effort right now. My dad's hospitalization and situation is taking almost the rest of my time. He is probably within 4-6 months left. He may have had a left sided stroke which affects his right side muscles. There is what appears to be a droopiness in his face on the right side. He has klebselia blood infection with a UTI both. I'm not sure how I will be able to handle his death.
Work is consuming an increasing amount of time and effort right now. My dad's hospitalization and situation is taking almost the rest of my time. He is probably within 4-6 months left. He may have had a left sided stroke which affects his right side muscles. There is what appears to be a droopiness in his face on the right side. He has klebselia blood infection with a UTI both. I'm not sure how I will be able to handle his death.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 30 (1 month), 20Apr10
Wow. It has been 30 days since Alicia has died. The weeks have been a blur. I remember the events and how I felt as if they happened yesterday. I am not as emotionally raw as I was then but I am still crying when something reminds me of her or I have too much idle time. This morning, I was driving to work on the bridge when I was struck that today was the 1 month mark. I started remembering the events from that weekend and the emtions flooded my senses and I started to cry. I almost had to pull over but I managed to pull it together.
Looking back at the last 30 days, I can find things for which I am grateful. I am grateful for the closeness with Cathie and Jasmine. We are now closer together than ever. We have cried, laughed, endured, and again cried together. I have heard from friends throughout the US and am trying to keep in touch. I feel bad that it takes a huge lose for everyone to reconnect and for us to pull together. I am also grateful to the staff and students at Tamsical and the TEAM program who have embraced us in their community. I am especially grateful for the Alicia's TEAM friends who have reached out to Jasmine. Everyone means a lot to Jasmine.
I am having dreams in which I am speaking with Alicia about leaving. Its weird in that it is the smae dream I have had a few times now. Maybe it is my subconcious not ready to let go.
I had my therapy appointment today. We talked about a lot of things, but I felt compelled to ask if she flet that I was ducking my emotions. Cathie mentioned this about a week ago which has festered within me. I do not feel as if I have been. I have cried much more with Alicia's death than my mom's, my uncle's, and my aunt's deaths. My therapist thought about it and felt that I am not supressing my emotions. She stated that I am emotionally stable and was definitely greiving.
Cathie spent the day with my dad in the hospital talking to MDs/RNs, social workers, and patient advocates. She has done so much to support my dad. It is amazing. She relayed ny dad has a blood infection on top of the urinary tract infection. They also performed a CT looking for brian infarcts to confirm if her had a stoke. We will get the results tomorrow. Cathie has begun the process of switching dad to MediCal away from Secure Horizons who have limited some ofthe benefits compared to MediCal. This may take up to 45 days to process in the mean time we are figuring out a way to get him into a RN home. His care is well beyond the abilities of Juliana and Sam.
Jasmine, Cathie, and I talked about buying 2 more chicks to keep Jacosta company. Cathie had talked to a good friend as to how to handle little chicks with a larger bird. So we have an idea as to how to handle this. Jasmine was surprisingly not affected by Catigny's death. Cathie admitted she was really strung out. But I beleive that was secondary to seeing the remains of Catigny.
I did not attend the monthly Compassionate Friends meeting this evening. I felt it was more important for me to be at home with the family. I do want to attend these meetings, but this month the timing did not work out.
Looking back at the last 30 days, I can find things for which I am grateful. I am grateful for the closeness with Cathie and Jasmine. We are now closer together than ever. We have cried, laughed, endured, and again cried together. I have heard from friends throughout the US and am trying to keep in touch. I feel bad that it takes a huge lose for everyone to reconnect and for us to pull together. I am also grateful to the staff and students at Tamsical and the TEAM program who have embraced us in their community. I am especially grateful for the Alicia's TEAM friends who have reached out to Jasmine. Everyone means a lot to Jasmine.
I am having dreams in which I am speaking with Alicia about leaving. Its weird in that it is the smae dream I have had a few times now. Maybe it is my subconcious not ready to let go.
I had my therapy appointment today. We talked about a lot of things, but I felt compelled to ask if she flet that I was ducking my emotions. Cathie mentioned this about a week ago which has festered within me. I do not feel as if I have been. I have cried much more with Alicia's death than my mom's, my uncle's, and my aunt's deaths. My therapist thought about it and felt that I am not supressing my emotions. She stated that I am emotionally stable and was definitely greiving.
Cathie spent the day with my dad in the hospital talking to MDs/RNs, social workers, and patient advocates. She has done so much to support my dad. It is amazing. She relayed ny dad has a blood infection on top of the urinary tract infection. They also performed a CT looking for brian infarcts to confirm if her had a stoke. We will get the results tomorrow. Cathie has begun the process of switching dad to MediCal away from Secure Horizons who have limited some ofthe benefits compared to MediCal. This may take up to 45 days to process in the mean time we are figuring out a way to get him into a RN home. His care is well beyond the abilities of Juliana and Sam.
Jasmine, Cathie, and I talked about buying 2 more chicks to keep Jacosta company. Cathie had talked to a good friend as to how to handle little chicks with a larger bird. So we have an idea as to how to handle this. Jasmine was surprisingly not affected by Catigny's death. Cathie admitted she was really strung out. But I beleive that was secondary to seeing the remains of Catigny.
I did not attend the monthly Compassionate Friends meeting this evening. I felt it was more important for me to be at home with the family. I do want to attend these meetings, but this month the timing did not work out.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 29, 19Apr10
It is almost 1 month since Alicia died. I vividly recall the Friday evening when she came home with a friend after working at Planet Granite. She bopped in the door, headed straight for her room after the obligatory "Hi Pops". She grabbed a backpack full of stuff and headed out the door. She was supposed to meet up with some TEAM friends and spend the evening. How could I have known that would be the last time I seen her alive?
I remember Saturday afternoon, 20Mar10 receiving a call about 1:30pm from a friend of hers who was visiting colleges in Montana that asked her Alicia was. I recall stating she should be at work by now knowing she had a party shift from noon to 2:30pm. Minutes later, he called back and said not to be alarmed, but Alicia was missing. He relayed that another friend who was with her on Friday would call shortly. Within 1 minute, the other person called and told me what was know thus far and I should meet him at a grocery store near by.
I yelled at Jasmine to get ready to go quickly. Cathie was at the gym working out. Jasmine and I left multiple messages and headed out. We met her friend and followed him up to the park area where we were met by a US Forest Ranger. He explained the situation as far as he knew. Alicia's best friend was there and had called the Marin Search and Rescue of which she was a member. Within 30 minutes, officials and trucks began arriving. Within the next 45 minutes a full command post had been established and the searchers were gearing up. The ramp up by the walking teams, dog teams, horse teams, aircraft, watercraft was absolutely amazing.
I remember Saturday afternoon, 20Mar10 receiving a call about 1:30pm from a friend of hers who was visiting colleges in Montana that asked her Alicia was. I recall stating she should be at work by now knowing she had a party shift from noon to 2:30pm. Minutes later, he called back and said not to be alarmed, but Alicia was missing. He relayed that another friend who was with her on Friday would call shortly. Within 1 minute, the other person called and told me what was know thus far and I should meet him at a grocery store near by.
I yelled at Jasmine to get ready to go quickly. Cathie was at the gym working out. Jasmine and I left multiple messages and headed out. We met her friend and followed him up to the park area where we were met by a US Forest Ranger. He explained the situation as far as he knew. Alicia's best friend was there and had called the Marin Search and Rescue of which she was a member. Within 30 minutes, officials and trucks began arriving. Within the next 45 minutes a full command post had been established and the searchers were gearing up. The ramp up by the walking teams, dog teams, horse teams, aircraft, watercraft was absolutely amazing.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 28, 18Apr10
I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. We all have our limits. God knows we are reaching a very high threshold right now.
1. My aunt Eleanor dies in Feb'10
2. Alicia dies 20Mar10
3. Catigny one of Alicia's chicken is killed and eaten by a predator (likely racoon) today
4. I spend 5 hours with my dad in the ER/hospital because he has not eaten or drank anything for the past 3 days.
Jeeze. 2010 has sucked so far and it does not appear to be letting up. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in Apr'09. Since then, it has mets'ed to his colon, rectum, lung, liver, and abdominal lymph nodes. Stage 4. His oncologist has given up and is only prescribing pallative care. We are taking him another hospital for pain management. But all else have given up. So it is just matter of time. He is so scared. He is not ready to die yet.
Then coming home after the hospital, Cathie finds Catigny. She loses it and decides it is time to buy new soil at Home Depot and replant the front yard planter. I pick up and dispose of her remains. Just yesterday, we were out on the porch talking about these chickens as they scurried about. This hit us like a 2x4. These chickens were Alicia's idea to get and raise them. Now we have only 1 chicken left.
Maybe I am over analyzing this, but I feel this is another vestiage of Alicia which has slipped away from us. This will soon be followed by forgetting her scent, her laugh, the sound of her voice. I am struggling with the though of turning off her cell phone. Kids are still calling and leaving messages for her as part of their road to recovery.
The good news is that we were able to give the HD tapes of Alicia's memorial to my friend to download and edit. Our goal is to place these on YouTube to share. This should happen by Alicia's BDay on 07Jul10.
1. My aunt Eleanor dies in Feb'10
2. Alicia dies 20Mar10
3. Catigny one of Alicia's chicken is killed and eaten by a predator (likely racoon) today
4. I spend 5 hours with my dad in the ER/hospital because he has not eaten or drank anything for the past 3 days.
Jeeze. 2010 has sucked so far and it does not appear to be letting up. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in Apr'09. Since then, it has mets'ed to his colon, rectum, lung, liver, and abdominal lymph nodes. Stage 4. His oncologist has given up and is only prescribing pallative care. We are taking him another hospital for pain management. But all else have given up. So it is just matter of time. He is so scared. He is not ready to die yet.
Then coming home after the hospital, Cathie finds Catigny. She loses it and decides it is time to buy new soil at Home Depot and replant the front yard planter. I pick up and dispose of her remains. Just yesterday, we were out on the porch talking about these chickens as they scurried about. This hit us like a 2x4. These chickens were Alicia's idea to get and raise them. Now we have only 1 chicken left.
Maybe I am over analyzing this, but I feel this is another vestiage of Alicia which has slipped away from us. This will soon be followed by forgetting her scent, her laugh, the sound of her voice. I am struggling with the though of turning off her cell phone. Kids are still calling and leaving messages for her as part of their road to recovery.
The good news is that we were able to give the HD tapes of Alicia's memorial to my friend to download and edit. Our goal is to place these on YouTube to share. This should happen by Alicia's BDay on 07Jul10.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 27, 17Apr10
Wow.... it hasa almost been a month since Alicia died. It does not feel as if a month was passed. I remember that weekend vividly as if it just occured yesterday. I still feel the rush of emotions when I was told she was found. I remember the heroic efforts the rescue crew put forth to return Alicia home to us. I remember negotiating with the Medical Examiner about seeing Alicia that day at Muir Beach. I remember receiving the phone call confirmation from the Medical Examiner that they had matched Alicia's fringer prints from DMV. I remember my heart giving out and losing any vestige of hope.
My emtions are still raw around the edges. I still struggle with mornings and evenings. I find it hard to accept that she is gone and the ashes that remain are not her.
Slowly I am trying to find the "new normal". Everyday brings me new challenges. I struggle with just the basics of how to communicate with Cathie and Jasmine. Everyone of us are experiecing some of the basic 10 stages of grief. When the anger erupts, it is surprising and scary.
I hiked down to Tennesse Valley beach this morning. The sun was shining and it was about 65F. Bottm line, it was beautiful. When I hiked up to the bunker, the memorial program I had taped to the bunker pilar was not there. I had brought a new one just in case. I taped the new one down with duct tape this time. Hopefully it will stick. The mini-volleyball, flowers, and letter were still there. Someone had added an unexposed roll of 400ASA film. I hiked up the ridge to about here the path cuts away from the cliff. Boy... it is awfully steep with small rocks. Footing was difficult even with hiking boots.
Today we met Sudha with Henry and Monica for lunch at Henry's Hunan on Church street. The food was decent and reasonably proced. It as nice have lunch with them. Just talking about their activities and banal things. We later had dinner with Tony at our house. This is the second time we have entertained since Alicia's death. Alyse had gone to Burkes with Alicia since kindergarten. Tony and I used to coach basketball with Alyse, Alicia, Alyson, Lisby, Kaitlyn, Caitlin, in 3rd grade. Tony and I had a ball coaching. Dinner was nice. We had hors d'oeuvers outside then progressed to dinner inside.
I guess life continues.
My emtions are still raw around the edges. I still struggle with mornings and evenings. I find it hard to accept that she is gone and the ashes that remain are not her.
Slowly I am trying to find the "new normal". Everyday brings me new challenges. I struggle with just the basics of how to communicate with Cathie and Jasmine. Everyone of us are experiecing some of the basic 10 stages of grief. When the anger erupts, it is surprising and scary.
I hiked down to Tennesse Valley beach this morning. The sun was shining and it was about 65F. Bottm line, it was beautiful. When I hiked up to the bunker, the memorial program I had taped to the bunker pilar was not there. I had brought a new one just in case. I taped the new one down with duct tape this time. Hopefully it will stick. The mini-volleyball, flowers, and letter were still there. Someone had added an unexposed roll of 400ASA film. I hiked up the ridge to about here the path cuts away from the cliff. Boy... it is awfully steep with small rocks. Footing was difficult even with hiking boots.
Today we met Sudha with Henry and Monica for lunch at Henry's Hunan on Church street. The food was decent and reasonably proced. It as nice have lunch with them. Just talking about their activities and banal things. We later had dinner with Tony at our house. This is the second time we have entertained since Alicia's death. Alyse had gone to Burkes with Alicia since kindergarten. Tony and I used to coach basketball with Alyse, Alicia, Alyson, Lisby, Kaitlyn, Caitlin, in 3rd grade. Tony and I had a ball coaching. Dinner was nice. We had hors d'oeuvers outside then progressed to dinner inside.
I guess life continues.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Day 26, 16Apr10
It's been almost a month since Alicia has died. The cards have slowed down. The visitors have stopped comming over. The flowers have withered away and the Facebook posts have dwindled to almost non-existent. Yet...we still grieve. Not as uncontrollably but we still grieve. The slightest familar smell, funny saying, or pictures brings back a flood of memories. I guess this is the way it will be from now on.
It is still very hard for me in the evenings and early mornings. This is when my mind is idle. Just three nights ago, I dreamed a conversation with Alicia. I remember trying to convince her to stay still for a moment while I get mom. She kept saying 'stop being silly' and that she needed to go. I woke crying.
Slowly but surely, Cathie is cleaning her room. Just the last 2 days, she had took apart Alicia's backpack whe had with her on March 19th with some clothes and her sleeping bags. There is still alot of things in her room. We have nto touched her closet. Her clean clothes still sit in a basket where she last left it. I realize there is no rush to do anything.
Jasmine has finally connected with a therapist. After 3 other therapists, she has finally connected with one. She liked the guy in Palo Alto but he was too far and she did not quite feel right. The new therapist is in San Rafael. Jasmine says this one 'gets it' and gave her the thumbs up. I'm relieved that Jasmine had found someone with whom she can relate. Cathie will she her therapist next week while I will se Beatrice on Tuesday.
I have started jotting down some thoughts about a poem called The Box. These are colelctions of thoughts that flood my brain when I sit down with her ashes. I hope to be able to finish it. But everytime I open the document, it is such a painful experience. Next Tuesday I hope to be able to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting in San Rafael. I have read a fair amount about this support group.
It is still very hard for me in the evenings and early mornings. This is when my mind is idle. Just three nights ago, I dreamed a conversation with Alicia. I remember trying to convince her to stay still for a moment while I get mom. She kept saying 'stop being silly' and that she needed to go. I woke crying.
Slowly but surely, Cathie is cleaning her room. Just the last 2 days, she had took apart Alicia's backpack whe had with her on March 19th with some clothes and her sleeping bags. There is still alot of things in her room. We have nto touched her closet. Her clean clothes still sit in a basket where she last left it. I realize there is no rush to do anything.
Jasmine has finally connected with a therapist. After 3 other therapists, she has finally connected with one. She liked the guy in Palo Alto but he was too far and she did not quite feel right. The new therapist is in San Rafael. Jasmine says this one 'gets it' and gave her the thumbs up. I'm relieved that Jasmine had found someone with whom she can relate. Cathie will she her therapist next week while I will se Beatrice on Tuesday.
I have started jotting down some thoughts about a poem called The Box. These are colelctions of thoughts that flood my brain when I sit down with her ashes. I hope to be able to finish it. But everytime I open the document, it is such a painful experience. Next Tuesday I hope to be able to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting in San Rafael. I have read a fair amount about this support group.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 25, 15Apr10
Well... we are back from Orlando. Cathie and Jasmine flew down on Monday night. They went to see relatives in FL on Tuesday while I attended the conference. Wednesday, I attended the conference until 2pm. Then we all went to Disney's Magical Kingdom. We had decent fun. We visited Stitch's Adventure, rode Space Mountain, watched the Country Bear Band (love this one, rode Pirates of the Caribbean, & rode the mine train.
It was nice to go out and have some fun. Thoughts of Alicia started creeping in as we were leaving the park. Alicia would have loved Disney World given her playful spirit. I am not really happy that we are just now coming to Disney World.
We flew home this moring on the 6am ET flight arriving at 9am PT. We mostly slept on the plane. Cathie became ill during the last half of the flight. When we arrived at home, she curled up in bed to rest. Jasmine watched TV then napped.
The last few days have been surreal with the folks who were aware of Alicia's death. Folks folks that do not have a direct connection to Cerexa knew while others with a direct relationship did not. It made for some ackward moments.
It was nice to go out and have some fun. Thoughts of Alicia started creeping in as we were leaving the park. Alicia would have loved Disney World given her playful spirit. I am not really happy that we are just now coming to Disney World.
We flew home this moring on the 6am ET flight arriving at 9am PT. We mostly slept on the plane. Cathie became ill during the last half of the flight. When we arrived at home, she curled up in bed to rest. Jasmine watched TV then napped.
The last few days have been surreal with the folks who were aware of Alicia's death. Folks folks that do not have a direct connection to Cerexa knew while others with a direct relationship did not. It made for some ackward moments.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Day 22, 12Apr10 (Part 2)
Well, I survived Day one of the conference. Quite a few folks are aware that Alicia died. They have ranged from very gracious to the usual 'I'm so sorry for your loss'. I empthaize with them and say there is nothing that can be said and I very much appreciate their support. Every once in a while there is an ackward moment when I am speaking with someone that is not aware and someone else verbalizes support. This happened a few times today to which some I stopped and struggled with the truth then later I just totally skipped over it all. I'm not sure how to continually handle this situation but will probably just let it happen and see which way I go based on how it feels at the moment.
Its odd to fly my family to Orlando right now. We did not come down here with Alicia. So it does not completely feel right. That hole in my heart is feeling large right now.
The family arrives tonight at 11pm. The idle time on board was hard for me. I hope it is easier for them.
Its odd to fly my family to Orlando right now. We did not come down here with Alicia. So it does not completely feel right. That hole in my heart is feeling large right now.
The family arrives tonight at 11pm. The idle time on board was hard for me. I hope it is easier for them.
Day 22, 12Apr10
I am now in Orlando FL for a conference. I have decided long flights are not good for my pshcye right now. I ended up crying 3 times during the 5.5 hour flight. I was working with some of the pictures from TEAM of Alicia (2 episodes) and while reading the Beyond Tears book.
I ran into several colleagues on the flight. Some of whom had nothing or little to say to me. It was te usual ackward time not knowing what to say. Enevitablly they will say "I am sorry for your loss." I understand it is a difficult place to be for them. But I also chuckle a little inside. My good friends all came up to me a gave me a big hug and shared a tear. While they may not understand completely, I appreciate their support.
I gott arun right now. But I will post again later tonight.
I ran into several colleagues on the flight. Some of whom had nothing or little to say to me. It was te usual ackward time not knowing what to say. Enevitablly they will say "I am sorry for your loss." I understand it is a difficult place to be for them. But I also chuckle a little inside. My good friends all came up to me a gave me a big hug and shared a tear. While they may not understand completely, I appreciate their support.
I gott arun right now. But I will post again later tonight.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 21, 11Apr10
So I've survived 21 days since Alicia died. Each day, I look around our house and still feel her presence. We have quite a few pictures of her from her memorial. The cards from friends and other folks who were touched by her story. At times, I sit in her room looking at all of her belongings. Just exploring bulletin boards and stuff.
The cornor's report was issued on Friday, 09Apr10. I knew that it would be released last week. But I was still shocked to hear it on the radio. I had known she had drank alcohol that night, but to hear it over the radio she was legally drunk...still hit me pretty hard.
It's funny. The nomenclature I am using. I keep saying 'Alicia died' versus 'our loss' or other euphemisms. When I am asked, which I have been since, how many children do I have, I still say 2. I still talk about her in the present tense. These are things which I am sure will change. But it will be a conscious change...one which I will not take lightly.
I've been to therapy twice since she died. I was able to reconnect with a therapist who I had seen for over 1 year about 5 years ago. We had a nice connection. I sense I will see her every other week or so. A very close friend sent us a book called Beyond Tears which was written by 7 women after losing a child. I am relating to alot of what they are expressing. I am planning on attending a Compassionate Firneds meeting in San Rafael next week. This group meets once a month.
I strolled down to Tennessee Valley yesterday with my friend Sandra. This was the 3rd time I have done so since Alicia's memorial. It's about a 3.7 mile hike with a pretty good climb once I get to the beach. I hike up to the bunker where Alicia and her friends were hanging out. I then continue to hike up the hill just about to where she would have last been. The view from there is stunning. It is also scary high above the water and beach below... where she fell. There is a make shift memorial at the bunker with flowers, paper cranes, her memrial program, and a mini-volleyball with messages from some of her coaches. I plan to continue to go every week that I am in town and it is not rainy.
She asked in essence why do I go down there. I do not feel closer to Alicia there. I guess I go because it is the last place Alicia was alive. It rips me apart to know how she fell as described by the coronor and then to see it. Even though I know better, I feel as if I should have been there to protect her. But I also know I could not have.
Over time, I guess life will get easier. I read that the pain does not go away, but that I will be able to deal with it better. I am concerned for my family. We have to find a new 'normal' and forge stronger bonds if we are to survive together.
The cornor's report was issued on Friday, 09Apr10. I knew that it would be released last week. But I was still shocked to hear it on the radio. I had known she had drank alcohol that night, but to hear it over the radio she was legally drunk...still hit me pretty hard.
It's funny. The nomenclature I am using. I keep saying 'Alicia died' versus 'our loss' or other euphemisms. When I am asked, which I have been since, how many children do I have, I still say 2. I still talk about her in the present tense. These are things which I am sure will change. But it will be a conscious change...one which I will not take lightly.
I've been to therapy twice since she died. I was able to reconnect with a therapist who I had seen for over 1 year about 5 years ago. We had a nice connection. I sense I will see her every other week or so. A very close friend sent us a book called Beyond Tears which was written by 7 women after losing a child. I am relating to alot of what they are expressing. I am planning on attending a Compassionate Firneds meeting in San Rafael next week. This group meets once a month.
I strolled down to Tennessee Valley yesterday with my friend Sandra. This was the 3rd time I have done so since Alicia's memorial. It's about a 3.7 mile hike with a pretty good climb once I get to the beach. I hike up to the bunker where Alicia and her friends were hanging out. I then continue to hike up the hill just about to where she would have last been. The view from there is stunning. It is also scary high above the water and beach below... where she fell. There is a make shift memorial at the bunker with flowers, paper cranes, her memrial program, and a mini-volleyball with messages from some of her coaches. I plan to continue to go every week that I am in town and it is not rainy.
She asked in essence why do I go down there. I do not feel closer to Alicia there. I guess I go because it is the last place Alicia was alive. It rips me apart to know how she fell as described by the coronor and then to see it. Even though I know better, I feel as if I should have been there to protect her. But I also know I could not have.
Over time, I guess life will get easier. I read that the pain does not go away, but that I will be able to deal with it better. I am concerned for my family. We have to find a new 'normal' and forge stronger bonds if we are to survive together.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 20
Well...today is 20 days after Alicia's accident. She fell early in the monring on 20Mar10. The first day of Spring and my brother's bday.
We still are receiving acceptance letters and miscellanous information from colleges. So far, she was accepted at Colorado College, UC Davis, Willamette Univeraity, & Seattle College. She absolultely fell in love with Colorado College. I have asked the colleges to allow me access to her essays and personal statements. When she was writing these, she gaurded them very closely and would not allow us to see them.
I'm following up on a suggestion made during her memorial service to collate an e-book with her writing and photography. This sounds like a nice suggestion. Tamsical will be providing her journals and essays. I'll have to get her pictures from her photography teacher to pull this together. I also started writing a poem/note about my feelings. Hopefully I can finish it.
I walked down to Tennessee Valley beach today with my friend Sandra. It was a cold, windy, overcast day. We hiked up to the bunker and placed new flowers on the memorial. We hiked up further to the cliffs where she was hanging out that night. Why do I keep going back to this spot? Sandra asked if I feel closer to her there but I don't. I go there because that is the last place she was seen alive.
Jon
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday, 04Apr10
Saturday, 20Mar10. A date that will haunt me for the rest of my life. This was the day Alicia was reported missing. The next day, she was found 1.5 miles away.
http://www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_14725818?IADID=Search-www.marinij.com-www.marinij.com
We held a memorial service the following Saturday. That week was a blur of emotions, family reunion, friend visits. and shock.
Saturday, 20Mar10. A date that will haunt me for the rest of my life. This was the day Alicia was reported missing. The next day, she was found 1.5 miles away.
http://www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_14725818?IADID=Search-www.marinij.com-www.marinij.com
We held a memorial service the following Saturday. That week was a blur of emotions, family reunion, friend visits. and shock.
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