Year 1 Day 133, 31Jul11

Before we leave Alicia's 19th BDay month, I took a stroll down memory lane my You Tube site. I watched the picture montage I collated last month, and a few of the video clips from her memorial. As I watched, I felt as if it were only last month. The emotions are still churning just under the surface. All it takes is a small fissure through which they all rush out into the light of day. At these times, I am laid open for the world to see. To share in my sorrows...my tears... these memories. I find my self at times having to retell her story. I am able to struggle thought it.

Still Alicia's room stands as a memorial to her. Her TEAM acceptance letter still on her tack board. Her thoughts and struggles with which college to attend. Her fancy shoes she only wore once or twice are still there. I go into her room to remember when I feel the need and peruse her belongings...my memories. What will we do with Alicia's things? Her soccer trophys...clothes...furniture...books... I guess the time will come when it feels right. Until then, time stand still her her room.

Year 1 Day 125, 23Jul11

Bang...zing. Just like that, I'm struggling to keep myself together Usually because something triggered a memory of Alicia. A sound...a smell...a place...a feeling. I have come to expect Alicia to receive birthday wishes from places such as her dentist... an old summer camp she attended 4 years... a coupon from her fave store. But this past week, she received a Marin Superior Court jury summons.

Wow... Bang zing. I recall the first time I received a jury summons. It was such a thrill. Kinda of a right of passage. I stood there staring at the summons. Ok...ok. I have to call. I called the jury assembly room and spoke to a jury clerk. There was a fairly raucous background noise, so obviously they were busy. She asked for the juror number. I explained it was Alicia's. 'Ok...that will work' she stated. I explained to her Alicia had died last March. She stopped. I could sense her mind reeling. She began to stammer and eked out she would make a note in the system and take care of this. She conveyed her sorrow for my loss. Bang zing...

Cathie finally did it! She summitted Shasta last week (pix from prev attempt). This had been a culmination of months of planning with the final 4 weeks of training in Tahoe. She almost did not make the attempt due to inclement weather conditions. But the guide encouraged her through it. This has been a significant goal for almost 2-3 years when she last attempted it. Alicia would have been very proud of her. This is the kinda of trip they both would have loved to do together. Jasmine was supposed to make the climb but she had issues with significant exertion at altitude in Tahoe.

Year 1 Day 121, 19Jul11

Life is very different now. The things I used to let bother me are no longer important. Some of the things I loved to do with Alicia, I can barely make the effort.

This past weekend was the Women's World Cup and the US team was in the finals. We used to love watching some of the matches together. I recall the time when the Women's Professional Soccer league had a team in San Jose, the Stingrays. Alicia and I attend a match with a few girls from Jose's teams. She got to go out onto the field with the other girls soccer players to welcome the home team. Afterwards, we stood on the runway to get autographs. She was very excited that we were able to get Brandi Chastain's autograph. We still have that ball.

Motivation is a funny and fickle thing. I still log a lot of hours at work. Probably too many hours. For me, work has been a solid support for me. My colleagues have supported me through last year. I have kept very busy which is a good thing not to have too much time on my hands. I really love what I do...but even that has begun to wane. Motivation. What motivates me? Is it family? Love? Being important? Feeling needed? Certainty? A lot has changed. Do I even know who I am anymore?

I just watched parts of a movie called Damaged. It's dripping with suspense and anticipation. There is a part where the lead looks into the mirror but the person looking back at her is only her in appearance. A shell of what they are supposed to look like. At times, that is what I feel like...a shell. An empty shell of my former self. I grope for things to fill the vast void...to satiate the emptiness. But I have yet to find what can make me feel whole again. That one thing may not exist. But I keep looking...for now.

Year 1 Day 112, 10Jul11

Happy 19th Birthday Ichi! Monica and Alana dropped off a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You would have loved them. as I drove your car to Tahoe this weekend, I remembered Jen's story of her first ride with you in the Miata and smiled.

Imagine, today you would have been 19 years old. You would have just completed your freshman year at college either at UC Davis, Wilamette, Cal-Poly, or even Colorado College. You probably would be hanging out with mom in Tahoe this week. Hiking, camping, and just enjoying the outdoors. I am sure it would bug you to no end that Jasmine is as tall as you now.

Alas, today's harsh reality is insurmountable. At times, it envelopes me. I would be just driving across the bridge when a memory of you would softly alight in my memory like a graceful butterfly. As quietly as the memory would appear, it's impact upon me would be powerful and pointed. I'd be awash reliving the memory just for a fleeting second. A smile would find it's way to the surface only to be pummeled by the reality of today.

I have stopped trying to make any sense of your death. There is none. I used to get mad at myself, you, and everything around. But it did not change anything nor did it illuminate any reason. So I simply stopped.