It has been over 1 week since I last posted. I sit here and have no idea where to start. I still struggle with the same things surrounding Alicia's death. I am accepting of her death. I accept the facts but I still consider 'what would Alicia would have done/liked'. As a good friend reframed for me, it is a gift. The gift of memory. I would give the world to turn back time and change the memories into reality. But that glass slipper no longer fits.
I feel as if Alicia is slowly slipping away...from me & my memories. I was thinking recently that I can not recall what she smelled like. I can still clearly remember her voice and the sound of her laughs. But things are slipping away. I no longer have any text messages on my phone due to a phone malfunction.
I listen to her ipod. I am amazed at the variety of songs. Her musical tastes travel well beyond my own. It reaches back into time well before my birth and extends to the present. I find myself amazed and grateful that I continue to get to know her.
So on one hand, things are slowly dissolving yet on the other hand, I continue to learn more and more about who she had become. The paradox of life.
We now have all the videos upon YouTube from the ceremony. Memories shared by her friends, stories shared during the ceremony, and montage of the ceremony. I will warn all, be prepared with kleenex or at least a clean sleeve when you watch. It is gut wrenching.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Dy 122, 20Jul10
Yesterday, another 17yo from Philly vacation with his family fell off a cliff near Muir Beach. He fell about 400 feet and died. My thoughts and prayers go out to the family. When I heard the tragic accident, I became emotionally paralyzed. I was instantly transported back to 3/20 and my mind was reliving that whole nightmare.
Recently, I was with a few friends. The daughter of one of them was married within the past 2 weeks. The conversation turned toward the details of the event and the happy couple. I listened passively, but could not bring myself to contribute other than a 'congratulations'. I was really stuck emotionally. I did not want to be insensitive and leave nor could I engage. I kept day dreaming how Alicia would have loved her own wedding. How beautiful she would be in a wedding dress, they type of service she would have loved etc. I know this is how it will be and I am powerless to change it.
Separately someone who works for me was just married this past weekend and a few folks attended. He was riding high when he returned to work. There was a lot of discussion about the events and details of his wedding. Once again, I felt the same emotions running through me as before. Will these situations ever get easier? Should I just excuse myself rather than put myself through it? I was able to keep myself together during these conversations.
Below is a link to my YouTube site with the various video clips from Alicia's memorial.
http://www.youtube.com/user/ASL92dad
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 120, 18Jul10
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 115, 13Jul10
Cathie, Jasmine, and I are all seeking help from professionals. Initially after Alicia died, Cathie and I went for an intake interview at CoreStone (formerly Center for Attitudinal Healing)in the 1st week. I did not feel a connection with the person assigned to me. We were searching for people to help all three of us individually. Unfortunately, the people assigned to each of us did not fit with our needs. I subsequently contacted a person I had seen approximately 5 years ago for about 4 months. This has been a good fit for me and I continue with this person today.
For Jasmine, we contacted more than 6 people and meeting 3 of them spread as far south as Palo Alto (60 mins 1 way). In the end, we found a person with whom she felt comfortable near by. Jasmine has been asking, pushing us that she no longer wants to see her person. She states they talk a lot about her i-phone and the apps. Her therapist has asked us for more insight into Jasmine so that she can use it in her sessions. But I did get a sense any one way or another than the sessions were progressing or not.
Cathie found a person with whom she is comfortable speaking. This person was one of about 3 names given to me from our HR person at work who is also a professional therapist. Cathie has seen this person regularly now for a few weeks so it must feel comfortable for her. At first, it was emotionally difficult but it seems to have settled a bit.
Given Jasmine's push back, we are considering family sessions. A very dear friend of ours suggest family therapy. Family therapy worked for their situation. Cathie and I talked about family sessions previously, but it was not the right timing. Now that we have all been in sessions, we will try as a family this Fall. Our idea is to support each other and the family together. We are all suffering in our own private ways. It is my hope we will find a way to bridge our individual needs with each other so that we become a closer family.
For Jasmine, we contacted more than 6 people and meeting 3 of them spread as far south as Palo Alto (60 mins 1 way). In the end, we found a person with whom she felt comfortable near by. Jasmine has been asking, pushing us that she no longer wants to see her person. She states they talk a lot about her i-phone and the apps. Her therapist has asked us for more insight into Jasmine so that she can use it in her sessions. But I did get a sense any one way or another than the sessions were progressing or not.
Cathie found a person with whom she is comfortable speaking. This person was one of about 3 names given to me from our HR person at work who is also a professional therapist. Cathie has seen this person regularly now for a few weeks so it must feel comfortable for her. At first, it was emotionally difficult but it seems to have settled a bit.
Given Jasmine's push back, we are considering family sessions. A very dear friend of ours suggest family therapy. Family therapy worked for their situation. Cathie and I talked about family sessions previously, but it was not the right timing. Now that we have all been in sessions, we will try as a family this Fall. Our idea is to support each other and the family together. We are all suffering in our own private ways. It is my hope we will find a way to bridge our individual needs with each other so that we become a closer family.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day 112, 10Jul10
Happy 18th Birthday Alicia. You'll be forever 18 to me. Not as day older. I wish you were here with us in body as well as spirit.
I strolled down to the bunker this morning. It was cold and foggy... usual summer weather. I cleaned up the old program and cranes with new ones. I also placed a dozen roses there. I always loved the smell of roses.
Curious thing, when I was about to leave the bunker, a runner came up and started looking at the program and bday card. I began walking down the hill when she caught up with me. She asked how I knew Alicia. She offered words of encourgament and support. We talked a bit more then hugged before she ran off. Just that exchange opened me up to the point that I cried almost the whole way back to the car...about 1.7 miles. The tears would ebb and flow. Just the simple act of kindness this morning was enough to lay my emotions bare. Like a scab with the emotions running just underneath.
We've been characterized as a 'sad house'. I guess that is true. We are all mourning in our own ways. Are we so sad that people & friends may be avoiding us? Are we so caught up in our world that people are uncomfortable with us? I hope this is not the case. I would hope that our friends would be understanding enough to realize we need outside support to pull out of this.
Here is a poem I had posted late March which I really like. Enjoy!
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other Then...
someone at my side says;"There, she is gone!""Gone where?"
Gone from my sight.
That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout,"Here she comes!"
And that is dying
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 111, 09Jul10
Here we go. Tomorrow is Alicia's 18th birthday. Jasmine flies back from LA tomorrow morning. Jim will be here in the afternoon to help with my Dad's paperwork. So we will definitely have a BBQ tomorrow. Alicia loved ribs. Of all the BBQ food stuff, ribs were her thing. So I bought a decent slab or pork ribs for the grill tomorrow. Hopefully a few of Alicia's friends will drop by to share the day with us.
It is so weird and extremely depressing to think of tomorrow without Alicia. She usually began dropping gift hints at least 2 weeks ago. By now there would have been a list of potential gifts on either her or our bedroom mirror just in case I did not pick up on her 'hints'. On her bday, she would come into our bedroom all silly reminding us it was her bday.
I plan to go down to the bunker in T-Valley tomorrow morning. I will take some flowers to the memorial. This will be a lonely walk...more lonely than usual.
Yup... it is her birthday.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Day 109, 07Jul10
Three days and counting. Saturday is a day I have been dreading. Alicia's 18th birthday. The thought of this day is enough to send Cathie into tears. I would like to find a way to mark the occasion in a low key way with a few close friends of Alicia and us. I will probably hike down to the bunker on Saturday with flowers for the bunker. I will post this in f'book if anyone wants to come along.
For me, sharing the experience feels good. I don't want to make a big deal, but I also find sharing the experience comforting. I guess this fits...after all I am writing this blog and putting it out on the 'net.
Today I was driving to work when images of the TEAM prayer flags for Alicia streamed into my consciousness followed by images of the prayer flags from India that were sent to us from India. Then my emotions burst forth. I almost pulled the car over for safety but there was no where to pull over. I continued driving...crying... until I had to stop for a stop light. I looked up to the sky and just took in the views. My crying stopped and I was able to continue driving. I was able to get through the rest of the day without another emotional flood. Wow... such a rush of raw emotion and intense moment... and intense 'gift'.
I have been good not asking the unanswerable questions such as "why". These thoughts do creep into my psyche but I am able to accept no answer. I focus on how much she meant to me and how lucky I am to have had her in my life. I remember the silly moments we shared. Hearing her laugh, snort, and call everyone silly nicknames. My life changed for the better when she entered it and it changed when she died. I hope she is back together with g'pop, mom, and r-ee. When my time comes and I depart this earth, I look forward to seeing them all again.
For me, sharing the experience feels good. I don't want to make a big deal, but I also find sharing the experience comforting. I guess this fits...after all I am writing this blog and putting it out on the 'net.
Today I was driving to work when images of the TEAM prayer flags for Alicia streamed into my consciousness followed by images of the prayer flags from India that were sent to us from India. Then my emotions burst forth. I almost pulled the car over for safety but there was no where to pull over. I continued driving...crying... until I had to stop for a stop light. I looked up to the sky and just took in the views. My crying stopped and I was able to continue driving. I was able to get through the rest of the day without another emotional flood. Wow... such a rush of raw emotion and intense moment... and intense 'gift'.
I have been good not asking the unanswerable questions such as "why". These thoughts do creep into my psyche but I am able to accept no answer. I focus on how much she meant to me and how lucky I am to have had her in my life. I remember the silly moments we shared. Hearing her laugh, snort, and call everyone silly nicknames. My life changed for the better when she entered it and it changed when she died. I hope she is back together with g'pop, mom, and r-ee. When my time comes and I depart this earth, I look forward to seeing them all again.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Day 107, 05Jul10 (part 2)
Today was my first stroll down to T-Valley in more than 1 month. It was cold, foggy, and windy so much so that there were very few other people. It has been a long time since I had last gone for a visit. I had hurt my knee fly fishing which took me out for a few weeks then my travel. I was very happy to see that the program and cranes were still on the bunker vent. Someone had loosened it up so that they could read the program but it was all there.
After I secured things, I sat down on the bunker and pulled out my ipod and listened to a haunting song from Sanvean called 'I am Your Shadow'. As the song progressed, I became transfixed on a bird effortlessly riding the air currents and I cried. I'm not sure when it began, but there it was. Just me sitting on the bunker on a cold, windy, and foggy, watching a bird, and crying. The moment felt right. It felt right being at the place Alicia drew her last breath. It's hard for me to explain, but it just feels right.
I hiked up above the bunker and looked to the spot where she fell. I felt very very sad. I wish I could have been there... to protect her. To grab her as she precariously ambled toward the cliff. That is what a father is supposed to do, right? Protect and provide. I feel inadequate.
We raised her the best we knew how. She was a smart, fun loving kid. I would not change 1 thing with how we raised her. But losing her is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It strains all of our family ties, our psychs, our faith, and outlook on life. Right now, I am able to hold it together for the most part. I sense that my emotions are running a little deeper now.
After I secured things, I sat down on the bunker and pulled out my ipod and listened to a haunting song from Sanvean called 'I am Your Shadow'. As the song progressed, I became transfixed on a bird effortlessly riding the air currents and I cried. I'm not sure when it began, but there it was. Just me sitting on the bunker on a cold, windy, and foggy, watching a bird, and crying. The moment felt right. It felt right being at the place Alicia drew her last breath. It's hard for me to explain, but it just feels right.
I hiked up above the bunker and looked to the spot where she fell. I felt very very sad. I wish I could have been there... to protect her. To grab her as she precariously ambled toward the cliff. That is what a father is supposed to do, right? Protect and provide. I feel inadequate.
We raised her the best we knew how. She was a smart, fun loving kid. I would not change 1 thing with how we raised her. But losing her is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It strains all of our family ties, our psychs, our faith, and outlook on life. Right now, I am able to hold it together for the most part. I sense that my emotions are running a little deeper now.
Day107, 05Jul10
We spent this afternoon with a friend who's daughter attended school and played soccer with Alicia. It was a sunny but windy day on the bay. The last time I had sailed was with the same friend about 8+ years ago with Alicia. It was another sunny day on the bay. I recall sitting back thinking this was almost perfect. So sailing had a little edge to it emotionally for me.
This evening, we went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D. I had met the film's editor in Germany on our way home from Paris. The whole Andy college thing snuck upon us. The scene where his mom walks into a nearly bare room and broke down with memories started the emotional flood gates. Of all things, to sit in a nearly empty theater crying at a cartoon movie. This was a scene we would have loved to have experienced but it will be another 5 years.
We went to the movie in lieu of seeing fireworks at the Marin County fair. As a family, we had gone to watch the fireworks the past 2 years in the same spot from above the fairgrounds. This year without Jasmine, we decided not to go. The thought of watching again from spot from which we watched the past 2 years was a little much.
On Friday a good friend who I had met via The Compassionate Friends (TCF) shared with me his special place. The spot was set amongst a outcropping of trees over looking a reservoir. He had setup a beautiful area to read, write, and bask in her memory. The hike was beautiful and the intention was genuine. As we sat, we shared stories and moments about our daughters.
Alicia's friends are still posting on her F'book page. There are some amazing yet totally gut retching as well.
Five more days until her 18th bday. We are likely to keep it low key. Exactly what eludes us at this time.
This evening, we went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D. I had met the film's editor in Germany on our way home from Paris. The whole Andy college thing snuck upon us. The scene where his mom walks into a nearly bare room and broke down with memories started the emotional flood gates. Of all things, to sit in a nearly empty theater crying at a cartoon movie. This was a scene we would have loved to have experienced but it will be another 5 years.
We went to the movie in lieu of seeing fireworks at the Marin County fair. As a family, we had gone to watch the fireworks the past 2 years in the same spot from above the fairgrounds. This year without Jasmine, we decided not to go. The thought of watching again from spot from which we watched the past 2 years was a little much.
On Friday a good friend who I had met via The Compassionate Friends (TCF) shared with me his special place. The spot was set amongst a outcropping of trees over looking a reservoir. He had setup a beautiful area to read, write, and bask in her memory. The hike was beautiful and the intention was genuine. As we sat, we shared stories and moments about our daughters.
Alicia's friends are still posting on her F'book page. There are some amazing yet totally gut retching as well.
Five more days until her 18th bday. We are likely to keep it low key. Exactly what eludes us at this time.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Day 105, 03Jul10
The big day has almost arrived. Seven more days until Alicia's 18th birthday. We're struggling how to celebrate, mark, remember...not sure of the right verb Alicia's birthday. This year, Cathie and I will be here but Jasmine will still be in LA. So what... make a big deal of Alicia's bday? Spend it with some of her friends? Or keep it low key. Do soemthing that she enjoyed doing (eg rock climbing) or eating (Squat & Gobble). We're likely to keep it low key but maybe with some of her friends.
I can not beleive it has been 105 days since Alicia has died. Time seems to be flying by but as I had previously written about, my emotional time feels like it should be Day 30. Just Friday, I was in the coffee room at work at 7:30am before my 8am telecon when I was overcome with emotion. I began to cry. There was anyting that triggered this outburst. I was just waiting for my cup of coffee. It felt as if all the emotions of Alicia's death came back to me instantously.
A good friend also living with a loss, calls these outburts as 'gifts'. Gifts of emotion and memories to treasue. Wow...that is an elightening way to comtemplate emotional moments.
I'm including a picture we found recently. This must have been taken in 1993 when Alicia was just under 1 year old. In the picture is me holding Alicia, with my dad and my grandfather sitting next to him. At the time of this picture, my grandfather was late 80s. What struck me when I saw this picture is that of the 4 generations in the picture, only I am still around.
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