Day 253 28Nov10

Thus begins our first holiday season as a family of 3.

We went to our cabin in Tahoe as we have mostly done for the past 4-5 years. This year there was tons of fresh snow and even more fell during our stay. Alicia used to love some of the holiday food such as a jell0-cranberry-fruit salad/relish. This recipe came to us via close friends a few years back and had become a staple.

Going to the cabin brought back memories of Alicia. The times we spent playing in the new snow. The hours of games we played as a family. How Cathie used to struggle to get her and Jasmine out of the cabin. I felt a certain spark was missing this year. Her giddiness and general light outlook on things were at times silly, bit none the less, welcome. Especially when we played board games (Monopoly and Scrabble), the emptiness was exaggerated.

When we came home Saturday, I went into Alicia's room and looked around. I reread her mirror with her college thoughts and "To Do List" which included a note "buy a gift for Papi". I poked around her desk and was overwhelmed with emotion. I found her small digital camera I bought for the girls last Christmas. I recharged the batteries and scrolled through the pictures. She had taken a few of her UCSF internship, a various objects for her photo class.

We also had some friends (Alicia's classmates) drop bye before they returned to college. I am forever grateful that they still make the time to visit us. They are continuing to spread their wings and will soon take flight in life. I hope that we will remain a part of their lives.

I need to come to grips with our reality. How do I grapple with my sentimental emotions with her room? I know it does not make sense to keep it as it is forever. Cathie has put forth plans for the room with which Jasmine has agreed.

It's gonna be a tough Holiday Season.

Day 246, 21Nov10

I was watching a movie based on the Mitch Albom book 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven'.

I had purchased this movie quite a while ago and have enjoyed watching it. This time around I began to wonder who were the five people waiting for Alicia as well as if she would be one waiting for me. For Alicia, she had not know many people who died before she did. The most recent would have been my aunt in Feb'10. Alicia was at her bed side when she died. My uncle who she did not know well did die about 2 years ago. So most of the folks she would have been met by may have been tangentually known to her. For me, I hope she will be the first person to greet me.

Coming home this week from NY, the car driver asked about Alicia. The driver owns a car company which I have been using for about 1 year and we both like to talk/share. It struck me that I had not shared this with her. She did note that I had stopped travelling for a period last Spring. I told her about my aunt, Alicia, and my dad all dying in 2010. I still have a hard time controlling my emotions when recounting the details. I imagine that I will continue to get these questions although hopefully less so over time.

Will this ever get easier?

Day 238, 13Nov10

This week was a emotionally hard therapy session. We talked about the up coming holidays and Alicia's room. I teared up at least 3 times over the course of a 1 hour session. I resisted using kleenex... I guess as a show of machismo.

Last week the girls suggested we convert Alicia's room into a reading room library. I had not thought about what to do with her room and asked them to hold off. They were prepared to begin immediately, I was not. Alicia's clothes, books, and belongings have been thinned out. Some given to her friends and some used by the girls. But there are still alot of things which we have not delved into such as the nooks and crannies of her roll top desk. There are quite a few cubby holes/drawers which are filled with Alicia's stuff I have not even looked at. This will be a lot of heavy emotions for me.

The therapist asked if I wanted to keep her room as is for memories. I do not. We do need to move on. I guess I just need to be prepared emotionally.

The holidays are also coming. TDay is not a big deal for us thus it should be fine. We're headed to the mountains. I'll go up earlier to get away and maybe do some fishing. My brother will likely join us as well as a friend and her partner. I am more concerned about XMas. This... will be hard. The first year of not having her put fort her ever growing wish list. I may still purchase/do something as a memento of the 1st year.

Day 231, 06Nov10

It's club volleyball season again. Tryouts began today for both Marin clubs. Jasmine has decided not to tryout this year. Along with her dropping out of CYO volleyball this fall, this is probably the end of volleyball. It's been 5 years that either Alicia or Jasmine has been in volleyball.

I clearly recall the 1st club volleyball clinic Alicia attended with Marin Juniors. This was her 8th grade year at KDBS. She had played 2 years with KDBS but not club. Did did OK the 1st clinic. They spent a significant amount of time on the basics which she picked up quickly. Then they had her hit from the outside hitter position. Behold, she performed scissor kick right before hitting the ball. Caring spent a little bit of time trying to get her to stop the kicks which takes energy away from the hit. She went on to attend a 2nd clinic before try outs.

She was so nervous a her 1st try outs. Most of the girls knew each other from CYO except for Alicia. One of her KDBS classmates, Michaela also tried out. Alicia was sitting on pens and needles waiting for the call. She did well enough to be invited to play on the White team (3rd team). She was happy to make a team but wanted on the Green team (2nd). She accepted. The next day, she was invited to play on the Green team with Cherlyn and Earle.

That year, was the beginning of a 4 year volleyball career for her. She played high school and club. She had the benefit of playing with Marin Juniors and Absolute VC. I tried to see as many of her matches as I was able. I provided our tents,benches, tables, blankets,and chairs.

With Jasmine not playing this year, I am up in the air with my reffing. Club season is long with full weekends consumed by the tournaments. I used to love talking with Alicia and Jasmine abut some of the things I saw on the court. Jasmine really was not interested but Alicia was. What to do?