Year 4... 09Jul14

Tomorrow we would have been celebrating your 22nd BDay.  I often wonder what you would look like, what course of study you would have liked, who you would have been dating, what your thoughts are the years post college/university.  I have caught myself peering around restaurants and public places imagining what you would look like.

Many of your friends have now graduated from college/university.  This past graduation season has been a bit rough on the psych.  Still some of your friends keep in touch which has been wonderful but now as they begin to disperse into the far reaches of the world, I sense a little bit more of you slipping away with them.

Jasmine will be the same age as you were next spring.  She has taken her SATs and is has begun to consider schools.  The next year will likely be even more turbulent emotionally as she pushes forward beyond her Senior year of high school.

We've established a financial award in your name at TEAM.  They have awarded it 3 times thus far to various people for various activities.  We are trying to formalize the process and criteria.  The basic tenants are that TEAM had a significant impact on their life's trajectory coupled with a boundless love of the outdoors.  Simple.  In essence it embodies as best we are able to your spirit in hopes the monies will enable someone else to reach their goals.

I have not posted a blog in quite some time.  I have considered taking it down but I have not been able to do so.  Thus I will endeavor to write to you periodically throughout this year and see where it takes us.'

Miss you.

20Mar14

Well...today marked the 4th anniversary of Alicia's death.  Cathie and I marked the anniversary with a stroll down to Tennessee Valley beach then hiked to the bunker and even beyond.  It was a gorgeous day, sunny and high 60sF.  We had brought flowers to place in the bunker chimney and to toss over the edge.

As I stood on the bunker and reflected upon my memories of Alicia, two small seals popped up in the cove below and frolicked in the surf.  I was told later that a whale breached off shore as well.  Too good.  She would have loved it.

I stopped visiting the bunker and even Tennessee Valley a while ago.  I feel that I do remember Alicia everyday from everywhere thus I do not feel the need to go visit.  As I stood there today, I felt a tinge of guilt and began wondering if that decision was incorrect.  A lot of things had changed, topography of the hill above the bunker, permanent restrooms vs portapotties yet the one thing that is consistent, this was where she drew her last breath.

I still struggle.  The pain changes, but it is ever present.  The memories fade yet images of Alicia will forever be etched in my mind's eye.  She will always remain 17...a bit goofy....light spirited... determined.

Tues 18Mar14

Who ever thinks it gets easier over time is full of it... It really does not.  I have developed a subtle way to work it in a conversation when asked about kids.  If the hint is not picked up and the conversation continues, I am able to state that Alicia had died and move on.  But when qthe conversation comes up unexpectedly...woah!   Here we go again.

A couple of weeks ago, I joined a friend for dinner and she had a few other friends over.  We had a great home cooked Thai meal.  I always love these 'good food and good friends' situations.  What seemed like Out of the blue in the middle of dinner, one person stated they had heard about Alicia via a mutual friend and that she had no idea it was our daughter as she followed the news about the search efforts.  She went on to ask how are we doing and qto express her condolences.

WHAM!!!!

I stammered a bit and was able to eek out that it is hard and I think about Alicia everyday.  I felt the 'gifts' begin gathering themselves in my eyes.  When asked further, I went on to describe Alicia's uniqueness...the 'gifts' began to appear.  It was awkward to say the least.  Casual dinner with friends ends up with me sharing these 'gifts'.  I guess in a way, I should be pleased that I was able to share Alicia with others who did not know her.

But after 4 years, it does not get any easier.