How am I holding myself together? That is a question I often reflect upon. Is it that I was raised on a farm in central IL as the only Asian family for more than 50 sq miles? Thus I had to be more resilient? Or maybe the way we were raised to control our emotions or risk being seen as weak.
I have come to recognize that I have a thin veneer which covers my emotional turmoil. The slightest scratch of the surface, then boom. Here it all comes. The tears, the memories... everything. It feels as if Alicia died just yesterday when this happens. My emotions are frayed and mind racing. I do not think this will change for me for a very long time if not forever.
Today when Jasmine and I were meeting with the family therapist, he asked how many times I had thought about Alicia this week. Just by him asking that question, I teared up. As I recalled a few of the instances this week, the tears kept coming. I diverted my mind to get my mind and tears under control.
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