Life is very different now. The things I used to let bother me are no longer important. Some of the things I loved to do with Alicia, I can barely make the effort.
This past weekend was the Women's World Cup and the US team was in the finals. We used to love watching some of the matches together. I recall the time when the Women's Professional Soccer league had a team in San Jose, the Stingrays. Alicia and I attend a match with a few girls from Jose's teams. She got to go out onto the field with the other girls soccer players to welcome the home team. Afterwards, we stood on the runway to get autographs. She was very excited that we were able to get Brandi Chastain's autograph. We still have that ball.
Motivation is a funny and fickle thing. I still log a lot of hours at work. Probably too many hours. For me, work has been a solid support for me. My colleagues have supported me through last year. I have kept very busy which is a good thing not to have too much time on my hands. I really love what I do...but even that has begun to wane. Motivation. What motivates me? Is it family? Love? Being important? Feeling needed? Certainty? A lot has changed. Do I even know who I am anymore?
I just watched parts of a movie called Damaged. It's dripping with suspense and anticipation. There is a part where the lead looks into the mirror but the person looking back at her is only her in appearance. A shell of what they are supposed to look like. At times, that is what I feel like...a shell. An empty shell of my former self. I grope for things to fill the vast void...to satiate the emptiness. But I have yet to find what can make me feel whole again. That one thing may not exist. But I keep looking...for now.
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