Well, I made it to my birthday (yesterday)...yipee. Once again, I am away from home on my bday. I am attending a conference in Boston for anti-infective therapies. I spent my bday catching up on invasive pulmonary infections, revised treatment guidelines, latest developments in ventilator associated pneumonia, and the like. I started at 7am and ended at 7pm. I went out for dinner with a few colleagues afterwards. No pomp or circumstance. No one around me was aware. But I received quite a few well wishes via the 'book from friends and family. So while I was not able to spend it with them, I felt their presence and support.
Today I tied off a few emails this AM then spent the rest of the day with my mentor and good friend in the Boston area. During our lunch, I found myself unable to talk about Alicia without tearing up. It was hard just to get through my thoughts much less convey them. I felt very self conscious tearing up at a busy lunch restaurant. We were getting into spiritual matters and thoughts of heaven and earth. I could not control the tears as they flowed. It was a hard lunch. I kept seeing your college students about the town. I recalled her trip up to Boston to visit colleges last October while I was in NY. I recall how she was beaming thinking of colleges and the future that lay before her.
Just the other day, Cathie and I talked about some of my dark thoughts in which I ask the unanswerable questions and blame myself for not taking time that Friday to stop and talk to her before she bolted out the door. How just the act of stopping her and talking may have made a difference... or it may not have made any difference. I try not to go down this route of thinking but at times, I do find myself there.
5 days and counting...
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