Wow. It has been 30 days since Alicia has died. The weeks have been a blur. I remember the events and how I felt as if they happened yesterday. I am not as emotionally raw as I was then but I am still crying when something reminds me of her or I have too much idle time. This morning, I was driving to work on the bridge when I was struck that today was the 1 month mark. I started remembering the events from that weekend and the emtions flooded my senses and I started to cry. I almost had to pull over but I managed to pull it together.
Looking back at the last 30 days, I can find things for which I am grateful. I am grateful for the closeness with Cathie and Jasmine. We are now closer together than ever. We have cried, laughed, endured, and again cried together. I have heard from friends throughout the US and am trying to keep in touch. I feel bad that it takes a huge lose for everyone to reconnect and for us to pull together. I am also grateful to the staff and students at Tamsical and the TEAM program who have embraced us in their community. I am especially grateful for the Alicia's TEAM friends who have reached out to Jasmine. Everyone means a lot to Jasmine.
I am having dreams in which I am speaking with Alicia about leaving. Its weird in that it is the smae dream I have had a few times now. Maybe it is my subconcious not ready to let go.
I had my therapy appointment today. We talked about a lot of things, but I felt compelled to ask if she flet that I was ducking my emotions. Cathie mentioned this about a week ago which has festered within me. I do not feel as if I have been. I have cried much more with Alicia's death than my mom's, my uncle's, and my aunt's deaths. My therapist thought about it and felt that I am not supressing my emotions. She stated that I am emotionally stable and was definitely greiving.
Cathie spent the day with my dad in the hospital talking to MDs/RNs, social workers, and patient advocates. She has done so much to support my dad. It is amazing. She relayed ny dad has a blood infection on top of the urinary tract infection. They also performed a CT looking for brian infarcts to confirm if her had a stoke. We will get the results tomorrow. Cathie has begun the process of switching dad to MediCal away from Secure Horizons who have limited some ofthe benefits compared to MediCal. This may take up to 45 days to process in the mean time we are figuring out a way to get him into a RN home. His care is well beyond the abilities of Juliana and Sam.
Jasmine, Cathie, and I talked about buying 2 more chicks to keep Jacosta company. Cathie had talked to a good friend as to how to handle little chicks with a larger bird. So we have an idea as to how to handle this. Jasmine was surprisingly not affected by Catigny's death. Cathie admitted she was really strung out. But I beleive that was secondary to seeing the remains of Catigny.
I did not attend the monthly Compassionate Friends meeting this evening. I felt it was more important for me to be at home with the family. I do want to attend these meetings, but this month the timing did not work out.
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