Today was the first day I did not cry for Alicia. I'm not sure...is this progress? Or am I forgetting? For some reason, I am feeling guilty for not crying today. We still have the big poster size pictures from her Memorial service around the house along with cards. Her room has been cleaned but not put away. I have also put folder paper cranes in all the cars. So it's not like I have hidden things out of the way. I guess it comes down to I am questioning how I am grieving.
So far, I have been hiking to the bunker in Tennessee Valley once a weekend. I perform some touch up/ clean up on the bunker memorial that Craig put up. Last week someone had eaten the oranges and left the peels on the bunker. I cleaned up the peels and straightened out her Memorial program and flowers. I then hike up the hill a bit further even with the landing and reminisce. The last two times I preserve the writings on the bunker for her as well. I plan to go again thius Saturday morning.
Cathie had begun to speak with Lauren about scattering Alicia's ashes. She is not sure when, but before summer. Jasmine wants to spend time with Lauren and Tat in LA this summer. Lauren agreed so we'll work this out. Jasmine is reaching out to relatives whom she had little contact thus far. Good for her!
Cathie freaked me out today. She forwarded an email to me from Alicia's gmail account. I glanced at my phone and saw something from Alicia. I stopped and held my breath. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I stopped in my tracks. When I read the email, I realize cathie forwarded it to me. I did not cry or breakdown.
My dad is in bad shape and getting worse. He has a blood and bladder infection concurrently. He has evidence of an old stroke which we did not know about. He still can not communicate except for head nods. He has not eating or drinking for the past 2-3 days. They gave him liquid nourishiment today and IV fluids but the MD stated they can not continue with this. They want to put in an NG tube to pump nutrition into his stomach. He also has atrial fibrilation for which they want to give him some blood thinners to lessen his risk of a blood clot. Cathie and I agree that we would prefer not to take these measures and let things run their course. I feel this is now just a matter of time before he dies. Maybe 1 week if he refuses to eat and drink without an NG tube. Maybe longer depending on what is decided.
This is such a hard period. My aunt died on 04Feb10 at 11:30pm. Alicia died 20Mar10 at 1am. Jen's chicken died 18Apr10. Something is not right in the Universe or someone did something to piss someone off. Jeeze. How much can one be expected to endure?
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