Today was my first stroll down to T-Valley in more than 1 month. It was cold, foggy, and windy so much so that there were very few other people. It has been a long time since I had last gone for a visit. I had hurt my knee fly fishing which took me out for a few weeks then my travel. I was very happy to see that the program and cranes were still on the bunker vent. Someone had loosened it up so that they could read the program but it was all there.
After I secured things, I sat down on the bunker and pulled out my ipod and listened to a haunting song from Sanvean called 'I am Your Shadow'. As the song progressed, I became transfixed on a bird effortlessly riding the air currents and I cried. I'm not sure when it began, but there it was. Just me sitting on the bunker on a cold, windy, and foggy, watching a bird, and crying. The moment felt right. It felt right being at the place Alicia drew her last breath. It's hard for me to explain, but it just feels right.
I hiked up above the bunker and looked to the spot where she fell. I felt very very sad. I wish I could have been there... to protect her. To grab her as she precariously ambled toward the cliff. That is what a father is supposed to do, right? Protect and provide. I feel inadequate.
We raised her the best we knew how. She was a smart, fun loving kid. I would not change 1 thing with how we raised her. But losing her is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It strains all of our family ties, our psychs, our faith, and outlook on life. Right now, I am able to hold it together for the most part. I sense that my emotions are running a little deeper now.
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