Day 74, 03Jun10

What is my new normal? What does 'ok' feel like any more? I do not expect that I will ever get back to these states as before Alicia's death. There will always be a hole, a missing piece where Alicia once stood. So I must re-establish my 'normal', my 'ok'. I suspect without Alicia, my joys will always be a bit less, my emotional highs will be a little bit lower, but I must guard against my 'lows' being even deeper and my darkness enveloping me. Over time, these may begin to feel 'normal' or 'ok' to me. Am I settling? Am I not pushing myself enough?

I've gotten pretty good at 'covering'. Good enough to function at work, to socialize with friends. I realize that my 'cover' is only a thin veneer. If you scratch just a little, you'll find my raw emotions. Is this a good thing? Am I processing my grief? Or am I just forgetting about my emotions? I have noticed that with each conversation, my veneer become just a little bit thicker. My emotions are running just a bit deeper. Thus I appear to be together, but I am still hanging on for now.

Cathie and I met a friend who works at Pixar for lunch and toured their facility. Wow! What an impressive organization even after Steve Jobs left. The benefits they offer their employees to keep their creative juices going is amazing. Pixar reminds me of old Genentech on steriods. I love seeing life size statues and charactures of their movie characters such as Sully and Mike from Monsters Inc, Nemo and Dorey from Finding Nemo, a Lego Buzz Lightyear and Woody from Toy Story 3. My friend was the main editor on Toy Story 2 and 3. What a trip. He explained what he does and the whole movie making process at Pixar. Fascinating.

Alicia would have been ecstatic today. She had such an exuberance for silly movies such as these. We both loved animation and especially the Pixar shorts like Geri's game, Bounder etc. I felt sad when I arrived in the lobby looking at all the amazing things around us. I felt sad because Alicia was not here to enjoy it with us. I hope she is looking down right now and enjoying what we got to see today.