We survived the high school graduation season. We did not attend the Redwood HS ceremony which I felt could have been a bit drawn out with 400 some graduates. It was hard enough to sit with my emotions during the Tamiscal HS graduation. The garlands of paper cranes, the empty chair, and a tassel were a solemn reminders of Alicia's absence. This should have been a time of celebration and joy for us instead of sadness and remembrance. Alas...that was not meant to be.
The joys which we experience on this earth are such fleeting moments. We get caught up in ourselves and our busy schedules that we often neglect the joys of what is right before us. I still think back to the Thursday before she went out to T-vally, she and I 'belly-bumped' and laughed. It are these small moments which forever remind me of Alicia's essence. She had a lightness of spirit and sense of family which is a rare combination.
I am beginning to brace myself for Alicia's birthday, July 10th. Her first birthday since her death. Jasmine will be out of town in LA with family and friends. Cathie and I will left to our own devices and emotions. A friend once suggested we should consider a simple gesture, action, event, etc to mark the occasion such as a meal with her favorite food, her favorite hike or music. I think it is a great idea. I'd like to think of my hikes to T-valley as this but Cathie and Jasmine are not ready to return just yet. I feel it is a good thing to do. Something simple in remembrance.
Speaking with my therapist today, it flashed across my mind that Alicia will be forever frozen in time and space. While our family and her friends will continue to grow old, she will always exist as I last saw her, a limitless 17yo about to take wing on her own. I would have been thrilled to see how high and far she would have gone. My heart aches and my eyes tear with these thoughts.
God speed girl.
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