Two more days until it the century mark since Alicia's death AND 14 more days until what would have been her 18th birthday. These two milestones are very hard to accept. It does not feel as if it has been 100 days since March 20th. I have come to accept her death. I know I will never see her bound through the doors again with a "Hey Pops". My memories of her scent have started to fade. My memories of her as a person will never fade but also I will never know who she may have become.
All of this is surreal. There exists a hole in my heart and spirit which will never fully recover. She will always occupy those places without satisfaction.
The contents of Alicia's room is slowly shifting. Pictures are being re-arranged. Some of her stuff is being given to others who have requested specific mementos of her. But we still have not touched her mirror which details her thoughts on colleges; her bulletin board which still has a copy of her TEAM acceptance letter; her desk packed full in every drawer. I imagine slowly these will change over time.
The one thing in her room I really am avoiding right now is the grey box of ashes. We have a plan. We have agreement on arrangements but no schedule as of now. I do not think of these as what is left of Alicia anymore. I have degraded them in my mind to just ashes. This will probably make it easier to make the arrangements and schedule the scattering.
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