I have watched the video clip of Alicia's Memorial probably about 10 times already. I am drawn in and I end up crying ... guarenteed. The memories and emotions come flooding back. I feel transported back in time to that day. One of these days, I will be able to watch the video without crying. But I suspect the sorry empty feeling with always be there. (BTW- I have put a link to the video in the 'FavLinks' section of this blog. It is also up on YouTube and my F'book)
Memory is a funny thing. I can still can hear Alicia in my head but I'm losing how she sounded like. So I found myself calling her cell phone number today. I wanted to hear her voice in an attempt to indelibly imprint her voice in my memory. Things are starting to slip from my head such as her scent. I guess this is enevitable...although hard.
I have gotten better at 'covering'. I can enagge in a conversation and without batting an eye acknowledge we have two kids and give just enough detail for Alicia to satisfy 90% of the conversations. There are times while at work that all my emotions and memories of Alicia and the memorial impact me. Sometimes these moments are not preceed by a trigger which make them harder. I have excused my self to go to the restroom during meetings to gather myself. This has happened a couple of times last week.
Some of Alicia's belongings are slowly being disseminated to her friends who have reqeusted them such as a special t-shirt, or a favorite jacket. We were asked to donate shoes to help people in other countries for which Cathie combed through Alicia's shoes and ended up donating most of them such as her 'holey' green keds, pink crocs etc. But sentimental shoes such as her high heels from Chirstmas we still have. I think she had seen these shoes in SF (Hayes Valley store) and had to have them. I found them on Endless.com. Pretty shoes. She wore them at least once outside the house. With these shoes, she towered over most folks. She was 5'8" without these 2" heels.
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