Day 55, 15May10

It's been almost 2 months since Alicia died. Yet it feels like last week. From the rush of adrenalin of Rory's call on that Saturday to the memorial ceremony a week later, it all feels fresh and raw. Yet my brain realizes it has been 55 days since her death but my heart senses less elapsed time. My emotions are still raw. My patience has dwindled to almost non-existent. At best my concentration is fleeting. How long will this last? I read posts from other parents on TCF website that still struggle with the same questions/ emotions years after their child died. Years?!?!

I still break down and cry thinking of Alicia... of our past and future. We speak with Alicia's friends about their plans for prom, summer, and college. We still rejoice and celebrate with them their accomplishments. We mark their lives milestone. But in the back of my brain, I mourn that Alicia does not have these opportunities anymore. She would want us to continue to live life to it's fullest as she did during her short stay with us. This dichotomy is a struggle and I sense will be a struggle for a while. I still refer to 2 children when asked. I even found my self asking about what folks know about Colorado College since they lived in Boulder CO. When will I stop? Is this a charade? Am I not accepting the fact she is dead? When will 'present tense' turn into 'past tense'?

I feel time is passing through new dimension. A dimension that ebbs and flows in a non-linear and uneven manner. While my brain understands today is Saturday, I feel disoriented. What does Saturday mean to me? This day does not hold an more significance than say Tuesday or Wednesday. I can not track it has been 55 days since Alicia died. My body goes through the motions of work but my mind wanders. I have traveled to Florida, France, and North Carolina... yet it feels as if I have never left. The feeling of emptiness haunts me where ever I am.

Today, we attended a ceremony to dedicate a bench for Alicia at Katherine DelMar Burke's school in San Francisco. Today was a typical summer day in SF. Foggy. Cold. She had spent half of her life (9 yrs) with the same girls at Burkes. Burkes had just completed construction of a new building and addition of a playground where there used to be tennis courts. It is in this area, the Class of 2006 dedicated a bench to her. Alicia would have absolutely loved the new play area. She probably would have been embarrassed with the thought of dedicating a bench in her honor. Ms Wholman, head of Upper School re-read to all who gathered the character statement's read at her graduation (I gotta get a copy of these remarks). It described her inner strength, her silliness, and her dedication. As Ms Wholman reflected, this is still an accurate description...4 years later.

It was great to have the support of Burkes, of the families who attended and who were unable to attend. It has been too long since we connected with this community and I hope we are able to find ways to keep connected with the families of Alicia's classmates as well as Burkes itself.