Day 59, 19May10

I attended my first The Compassionate Friends (TCF) meeting last night in San Rafael. Before the meeting, I sat in my car looking for an excuse not to attend. Not to face the emotions which I was sure would well up within me. I watched as people began arriving and collecting. I forced myself out of the car to join. I was immediately greeted warmly by one of the facilitators. After signing in, I sat down with one of the helpers who turned out to be the TCF Coordinator for N. Cal. She explained to me about the meeting as I completed a 1 page info sheet. I was given a packet of information for first time attendees which I read a few things from and skimmed other parts.

The meeting itself was about 35 folks from various walks of life. But all with the common thread of death either a child or sibling. They went around the room and we introduced ourselves which was pretty hard. I stated my name, Alicia, her age, when and how she died. Short... but hard to say out loud. We then read guidelines for the meeting which I was surprised that I was to read one since I sat close to the facilitator. The facilitator then suggested a topic to discuss but asked if any of the new members would like to speak. I raised my hand and conveyed the enormity of my situation and the overwhelming sense of numbness.

The conversation then took off with one of my general questions which was 'how many kids do I have?' how do I respond to this question. The husband of the couple next to me piped up and stated that recently he was asked and he said 2 with a 3rd on the way. It struck him to reconsider. Several folks relayed that where they are. Most were in agreement that they felt most comfortable including their deceased child. One person was even militant about it. He puts it out there that he has a child who has deceased. He felt it was an issue for the other person and that their discomfort would pass.

There were a number of new members at this meeting. The couple sitting next to me had lost their young child with a chromosomal abnormality about 1 year ago. They are expecting a 3rd child in a few months but wanted to connect with TCF near the anniversary of their child's death. There was another couple for whom my heart reached out with compassion. They had lost a 9mo child within the past month. There was a gentlemen who came to connect with TCF at his child's anniversary. And there was a young women who had lost a young brother.

The person whom I began corresponding with via Facebook who had lost their 22yo daughter in a similar accident to Alicia was there. I was glad I was able to meet and talk to her. Her significant other and I reached out to each other. I shared how their lives had been interwoven with the ripples of Alicia. I was deeply touched. We discussed going on a hike together to a place he goes to remember. I look forward to that walk.