Day 66, 26May10

Today Jasmine and I went out for dinner. We saw some girls Alicia used to play soccer with from MarinFC at the restaurant. They were out with their high school team probably celebrating the end of their season. Seeing them brought back memories of when Alicia played with MarinFC with their Red Team. This was a good group of girls with varying soccer skills but a lot of heart. Alicia loved playing soccer but really struggled with MFC's style of soccer.

The girls saw me but did not make eye contact. Since they were with their team, I did not want to intrude and say hello. I felt it would have been an awkward moment.

Alicia learned her soccer skills playing with a coach from El Salvadore who loved the ball control Brazilian style of play. 'Short passes'. She developed good ball handling skills and had a knack to be in the right place at the right time. She loved playing for Jose and he respected her. It was tough when we disbanded the Panthers in her 8th grade year. But we were in Marin and we barely had enough players to put a team on the field. So it was the best decision at the time.

I'm not sure the pain of Alicia's death will diminish. I am beginning to suspect it will always be there. Its just a matter of it dominating my emotions or senses. I do feel guilty that I somehow am able to function. I am able to go to work, concentrate, and accomplish what I absolutely need to do. I have pictures of Alicia and a crane on my desk. I am reminded of her and relish seeing the pictures. But in the pit of my stomach, I know she is dead and I will only see her in my dreams. I'm glad one of my last times with Alicia was a silly moment when we 'belly bumped' in the office prior heading of to bed. She was such a silly and light person.

As much as I struggle, I struggle the same communicating with Jasmine. Alicia played an intermediary role between Jasmine and us. Now I am struggling to relate to Jasmine. She is a lot more social. She buries herself in TV shows on the internet and with friends. She has streaks of talent which at times burst out of her which is amazing to see. But most of the time, that streak is pent up within her. She riles against suggestions to paint... learn music... that we offer up. I hope that she keeps up with vball as a physical outlet. She seems to enjoy playing although at times, she is resentful of how practices impinge upon her social life.