Day 47, 07May10

Well is has been 3 days since my dad has died. I returned from Paris on the 5th late in the evening. I spent yesterday just getting caught up a little with work, but mostly with my family and Jim. My dad is in the process of cremation at a local place. Juliana called Cathie and wanted to clean out my dad's stuff out of thier apartment. So Cathie went over to help her box up the donation stuff (clothes etc). They also went trhough the myriad of boxes of stuff he had collected. Juliana is moving quickly. I met with Jim last night to review details of the estate. It appears that his estate is well below the value at which probate comes into play. If that is true, this should be easier than my aunts. I guess these are just the mechanics of death.

Emotionally, I am numb. I am sad but I do not break down over his death. I feel as if I am emotionally exhausted. It had been 45 days between Alicia and dad. I am still coming to grips with Alicia's death now this added burden as been added. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad. But he suffered greatly with pain secondary to cancer these past 6 months or so. So I rationalize that he is in a much better place now. So I have shed tears, but I am also comforted.

But this rationalization does not work with Alicia. I can not rationalize her death at all. I can find no reason, no logic, to her death. It has brought upon the 3 of us such emotion that I could not have even imagined. I just start crying at some small things such as finding a new picture of her online. But other things, looking through her room to find a plug, I'm cool with. Why?

I had always beleived there to be a God. Even though I had not attended any organized relgious ceremony on my own for about 20 years, I still believed. Now through Alicia's memorial, I have started attending the Unity Church in Berekely. We had met Dr Rev Patricia Keel via referral from CorStone. I have found her intpretation of the bible much aligned with my own. I search with my reconnection to God for assurance Alicia is OK. I need her to know that I love her and always will love her. I miss her beyond any words can convey.

I guess they day life is a journey. These past 90 days of this journey, I never want to experience again. First my aunt, Eleanor Jue died on 04Feb10. Then Alicia died 20Mar10. Now my dad, Robine CL Lee does 04May10. I hope they are all reunited with my mom looking down upon us and smiling.

I saw a move onboard my flight home from Paris via Frankfurt. It was called 'Hachiko a Dog's Story'. Richard Gere was the exec producer and main actor. The movie was based on a true story in Japan about an Akita and his owner. Everyday, the dog would follow his owner to the train station in the morning then return at night to greet his owner and walk home together. The owner dies but the dog continues to come at night to await the return of his owner until his death. At the moment of death, he sees the owner and the memories of his life flashes before his eyes.

Is that the same for us? When we die, does our life flashes before our eyes? Or is our spirit released from our bodies such that we look down upon ourselves as we begin the next journey? I guess we'll never know until it is our time.